A Grim Fairy Tale

BEWARE!

Be prepared for very offensive language and adult themes from the start and throughout.

That's this year's Channel 5 warning at the start of Celebrity Big Brother and the same goes for this blog with the prospect of 3 weeks of Katie Fucking Hopkins and a bedroom full of tattooed tits and muscles.

I was gonna say Happy New Year but 2015 hasn't got off to a great start.  A convicted rapist is getting offers of a big pay packet to kick a ball around for the pleasure of some knuckle dragging misogynists.  Cult loons are on the loose in Paris, murdering cartoonists.  Steve McDonald has clinical depression and Cain Dingle's got an aneurysm. James Cordon is singing again and worst of all........Katie Hopkins is in the Celebrity Big Brother House!

Can I pass on that one for now!  I've got too much to say about that stupid woman for this blog.  I'll save that for later if you don't mind.

The first 'real' housemate out of the eye was Patsy Kensit in a wrestler's cape and swearing like a trooper.  I like Patsy.  She looks like an angel but I bet she's a filthy minx.  Dead cert that she didn't use rubber gloves and Cillit Bang to give Liam Gallagher a blow job.  

Next in was Perez Hilton. The social media queen is clearly suffering from withdrawal from his iPhone.  Over active. Over bearing. Over by week 2. 

Reg Holdsworth!  He was one of my teachers at secondary school in Edinburgh.  Mr Morley was a great teacher and loved by everyone.  Quite an achievement when your dealing with a load of spotty Jocks with raging hormones who would rather be smoking Embassy Regal by the Waltzers at The Gyle Fair with skinny birds in pencil skirts.

Cami Li is apparently a tattoo model. Is that even a thing?  I'd love to be a School Careers Officer these days. Ken was keen on her body art.  It was like watching him leering at Raquel over the fish fingers at Bettabuys.

Calum Best. Tabloid hunk. His claim to fame is being the spawn of an alcoholic football player and shagging Lindsay Lohan during her chemical years.  He's got form so could do well.

Alicia Duvall was next. 350 cosmetic procedures to look like a goldfish at a Halloween party.  She claims that her whole face was removed and replaced.  Shame they put it back inside out.

Alexander O'Neal??? Wonder which celebrity chickened out? What happened to the sharp suits man? He looks more like a Nigerian mini cab driver these days in a baggy two piece and over-sized comfy shoes from the Sunday Mail supplement.  Don't mean to Criticize but If You Were Here Tonight I'd have burnt that suit and chucked the shoes in Asda's recycling skip. Hopefully we'll love him by Saturday.

Nadia Sawalha. This years loose woman and a master chef.  Could go the distance without having to get her baps out in the jacuzzi. 

Hobie from Baywatch. Jeremy Jackson is almost as deranged as his TV Dad, The Hoff.  All mad eyes and sinewy body like a young Steven Tyler in a Rita Fairclough fun fur.

Kavana is the annoying porky popster who had a meltdown on The Big Reunion due to feeling inferior to Gareth Gates and Adam Rickitt.  Doesn't bode well......does it.

Drag Hag Michelle Visage is my favourite so far. Letting her gut out as soon as she got through the door.  A woman after my own heart. One to watch.

Chloe who? So someone else not turned up then?

Last one in was the legend that is Keith 'Cheggers' Chegwin!  I wonder if he was rat arsed every Saturday morning on Swap Shop.  He was always a tad over excited and bog eyed as I remember.  The thought of him banging Maggie Philbin was more disturbing than John Craven's jumpers.

A brilliant cast (with one exception).  Let's hope this fairy tale has a happy ending and the Wicked Queen doesn't make it to the final page.

Oh and before I forget.  If Ched Evans is really looking for employment they're advertising for shelf stackers in Lidls in Croydon.  Just saying....