I Don't

So the Pope has resigned.  Wonder if he's planning on joining 5ive to replace Jay on the Big Reunion Arena Tour?

The ex-Nazi says he's too old to carry on his role with so many challenges facing the church. Age is not an excuse for ignorance and intolerance. Let's hope the next winner of Pope Idol preaches love, compassion and safe-sex.  The catholic church and their leader have refused to budge on their condemnation of contraception, masturbation and anal sex.  Why?  Because any form of birth control impacts the growth of their church.  Over 20 million of their faithful followers in Africa are living with AIDS and over 1 million die every year. The Pope's power over these people could put an end to this tragedy and also stop female circumcision and gay Africans being murdered.  Turning a blind eye to this genocide and barbaric cruelty is surely a sin of epic proportions.  Isn't it?

Despite my personal view of organised religion I have to admit that when it comes to gay marriage I'm sitting on their side of the fence but not for the same reasons.  They spout a load of crap about marriage being all about the procreation of children.  They quote the writings of ancient story tellers who claim to have been personally given the word of their God via a burning bush, a thunderous voice up a mountain or from a fit bloke with white wings.  Seriously?  Now this might have worked in ancient times with a load of dim witted, primitive goat farmers but it just doesn't wash with anyone with half a modern brain.  Sure it's a great story but then so is The Little Mermaid.

If I came back from a hike up Ben Nevis claiming to have the word of God on my Android Tablet people would just think I'd had a few too many cans of Special Brew last night or shove me on Jeremy Kyle for a drugs test.

So what do I think of gay marriage?  Well I could take it or leave it if I'm honest.  Why would I want to walk down a church aisle with my beloved when clearly the landlord doesn't want me there and he thinks I'm an abomination?  It's like an unemployed Rangers striker going for a try out for Glasgow Celtic.  I'm all for equal rights but sometimes just because you can do something doesn't mean you should.  The thought of standing at a church alter with a reluctant priest smiling at me through gritted teeth is like the Queen giving Margaret Thatcher a life peerage.

I'd much rather have a Civil Partnership ceremony with my close friends and family at Blackpool Pleasure Beach and pushing the mother in law on The Big One.  So much more personal and without feeling like the service was just lip service. A blessing from a smiley lady vicar in Harry Ramsden's over cod n chips would be so much nicer than your mates mumbling along to Jerusalem or some old Auntie, with a smoker's cough, wheezing though The Lords Prayer.

So don't expect to see me sweating at an alter any time soon.  I'm sure God is a good God and will love me wherever I decide to tie the knot.  I'm convinced he/she will be happy for me even if my bride is a carpet fitter called Dean, as long as we're decent human beings. That's what's important, isn't it?

I don't feel inclined to join the the hoards of hypocrites who wed in a church to get pretty photographs.  Most of them these days haven't stepped into a church since they were baptised and unlikely to be back until they're in a big wooden box.

Whatever floats your boat though but let's not pretend that church weddings are all about faith and religion. Modern weddings are about a display of wealth and taste and feed a massive industry. If the church want to reclaim their faithful then maybe they should start listening to the people.

I think Simon Cowell should run the next Pope vote.  Let the people decide their winner by text and donate 50% of the network charges to send condoms to Africa.

Anti-Social Media

Ten years ago, almost to day, I was going through a very dark time in my life.  They say bad things come in threes and in 2003 it was my turn to try and and cope with a trio of blows that would test my inner strength to the max. Unable to cope with the real world, I stumbled across a community of more lost souls who spent their time reaching out for attention on strange internet forums.

These places were full of bored housewives, would-be sexual predators with erectile dysfunctions, psychotic teenagers and the clinically depressed .  All of them displaying acute symptoms of low self esteem and an overwhelming need to be popular.  We were all a bit odd and escaped real life into this Matrix-like world to laugh, bitch and argue with a bunch of unseen, online friends and enemies.  Unable to cope with the isolation of our lives, these places gave us a sense of belonging.  A place where you could hide your pain behind a keyboard.  This wasn't always a pleasant experience.  Some used the power of anonymity to unleash their pent up anger and frustrations on the weaker members of the pack.  Lonely and powerless in their own lives they got their kicks from online bullying.

Everyone had a role to play in our Sims Town and mine was to be the smutty gay boy with an innuendo for every occasion and a bag of bitchy quips.  Some things never change!

There were lots of lovely people on the forums and I still hear from some of them now.  They made me laugh through some sad times and I will always be grateful for that.

These social outcasts became my world and in the process I lost the ability to have normal relationships and communicate without my laptop.  It was my drug of choice, more powerful than crack cocaine and just as psychologically damaging.  I was almost lost to my friends and family.  Everyone worried about my obsession with this unreal reality.

Looking back on that time I can now see why people were so concerned about my habit and the powerful hold it had over me.  It was a damaging and anti-social existence that overtook my life and pushed me to the fringes of society.

So here's the thing.  How did that unsocial life suddenly transform into Social Media in the last few years? The world that laughed at those strange forum freaks is now gripped by the smart phone drug and sharing their lives with strangers across the five continents.  The number of followers and 'likes' you have has become a way of defining your popularity and a big post count is seen as a worthy achievement.

What the hell changed?  Has the whole world become depressed and needy?

Don't get me wrong.  I still get a kick out of being silly on Facebook and Twitter and enjoy a bit of friendly banter and bitching on those sites.  I've even been known to post pictures of my lunch and tell the world that I've just sneezed a mouthful of curry over my laptop. Old habits die hard.

I'm just intrigued as to how my online illness became a socially acceptable lifestyle for millions?  My secret addiction is now as common as a cold.  A plague whose symptoms are now seen in all walks of life and in public too.  Millions of people are unable to function without  telling the world that their bus is late or the sky is a bit cloudy.  You can't enjoy a night out with your mates now without your smart phone so you can post a picture of a pint of lager.  It's almost never a great night unless you can prove it on Facebook with  a shot of you and your mates mugging at the camera with red eye and sick down your shirt.

Most people can't keep a conversation flowing through dinner now and have to fiddle with their phone to see if anyone has re-Tweeted their post or Liked a comment.  In our local curry house last night the diners seemed more interested in their iPhones than their human companions.  The table next to us were even tweeting each other during the meal and then commenting on each others tweets.  What's that all about?

Don't even get me started on the sport spoilers!  Not content to leak the football scores to people who would rather wait to watch the match on their TiVo box later they also insist on describing every bloody kick of the ball for the entire 90 minutes.  We hate football pundits on the TV so why do they think we'd enjoy their dull commentary?

There are some diamonds in the rough though.  The social media explosion has exposed the rich and famous.   Celebrities who would normally be protected by PR and media training are now let loose and showing their true colours.  High profile Twitter users like Rihanna, Chris Brown and Katie Price proving that not all publicity is good publicity.  Posting a photo of you smoking a joint in your knickers isn't big or clever. You'd never get really talented stars arguing with doped up teenagers on social media sites but it does make for good reading so please don't take their smart phones away :-)  I wonder what the world would be like now if Jesus had been on Twitter?  Imagine Hitler's Facebook page.

Now that so many people have succumbed to the virus it's a gold rush for marketing and advertising.  There's a captive audience out there.  Millions of abusers checking their timelines every 6 minutes and eagerly devouring every App that's thrown at them.  I'm ashamed to admit that I have 183 apps on my iPhone and get a buzz every time one of them sends me a notification. It's now big business for Big Business.  Even customer support is becoming something that you do via a handset than actually talking to a human being.  If I have a problem I can just tweet about it and within a few minutes I'll get a reply from @facelesshelper #sorted

Those of you who know me will know that I love social media and I'm still an addict.  I'm guilty of most of the above and I won't apologise for it.  Maybe I'm just peeved that my social disease is so widespread now.  How am I supposed to have any chance of  recovery now that people are too busy checking their friend count and sorting their Facebook albums to talk to me?

If you Like this blog on Facebook or give me a RT then maybe, just maybe, I'll start to feel loved again and you can help me rebuild my self esteem ;-)