Well it's been a bit of an explosive week in the house this week and I'm not talking about Patsy's farts!
First we had a juiced up Jeremy Jackson trying to free Chloe's boobs in the toilet after throwing up a rum and coke. The outrage and drama that followed was understandable but I'm sure a slap and a knee to the scrotum would have been a more appropriate response in the circumstances. I'm not blaming Chloe for the histrionics that swept the house but it did give the housemates an opportunity to dispose of the first victim on their list of outsiders. The first oddball out.
Next on their agenda was Ken Morley. A crusty old relic from a thankfully bygone age who hadn't quite managed to catch on to 21st century political correctness. Whilst I'm not defending his use of dated and racist words I did find the outrage at his sexist behaviour slightly hypocritical. It appears to be OK for the Loose Women panel and various female mags to continually make lewd references to men's packages, bums and pecs and talk about them as sex objects but a man is hung drawn and quartered for admitting to liking the curve of a pretty girl's bum cheek. I have a feeling that if Calum had made the same comment it would been more acceptable to those girls. I'm suggesting it was because it came from a plump, bald old man with thick glasses that it caused such a stir. Strange that last year's Celebrity Big Brother winner made a career out of racist and sexist humour and was hailed as the 'salt of the earth'. This is a funny old world as long as you're cute and have a twinkle in your eye as you abuse your victims. Not so much if you're a sweaty old man who looks like a cross between Jade Goody and Les Dawson. Misfit number 2 was ousted and the house rejoiced. Perez Hilton cried because he felt safe again, although I'm not quite sure why he was scared of Ken. Probably because he was taking away his airtime. The house was in remission but there was another lump to start worrying about.
Poor Alicia Duvall. Katie, Chloe and Cami Li ripped into her like a bunch of hyenas tearing at a rotting carcass. To be fair her face does resemble a death mask but her only crimes seem to be a misguided surgery addiction and a love for fruit. That was enough for the house Mean Girls and she was subjected to a full on public humiliation at every opportunity. The Plastics, led by Katie Hopkins, were relentless and I'm surprised that Big Brother didn't intervene as they seem so concerned with acceptable behaviour in the house these days. Their concern about individual welfare seems inconsistent but Alicia rose to the challenge and was quite capable of fighting her own battles in spite of the calculated support and shit stirring from Perez and Nadia. The public like an underdog and Alicia was saved from the first eviction at the expense of her nemesis and Chloe #whoareyou was booted out on Friday night to a horrendous reception. YAY!
Katie Hopkins and Perez Hilton are at each others throats every day. Not so much a Clash of the Titans as a Fracas of the Insecure. They've both built a career around being keyboard bitches but this is clearly a front. They're like needy children who want so much to be liked but are scared to let anyone see their insecurities behind the mask of meanness. They are so similar that they fear the other and that's created a primeval hatred that's oozing from our screens. A prime example last week was when Katie was ranting to Perez again and she suggested his problem was that when people tell him he's a twat he ought to listen. Clearly she doesn't listen to her own advice. The battle lines are drawn and the other housemates need to decide which brat to back. Perez simulating anal sex in the garden probably hasn't helped his cause. I think I'd be like Calum and Kav and just hide under my duvet until the carnage is over.
I'm still loving Michelle Visage. OK so she might look like Bernard Bresslaw in drag but she's got that house sussed and has no agenda or personality cracks. She's the Queen of Queens but even she's finding these people hard going. That's really saying something after 6 years of dealing with high maintenance egos on Rupaul's Drag Race. Good luck love.......and don't fuck it up!
Big Brother then played his trump card. No I'm still not talking about Patsy's wind. They only brought in another self obsessed media whore. Yes the boring Katie Price entered the house on Friday like a foul mouthed Fairy Godmother. Would she reveal all about her sordid marriage to the sex addicted stripper. You bet she would. She'd hardly been in there 5 minutes before she was holding court about being betrayed by her ugly mate who shagged her man on a Cape Verde sunbed. I hope Kieran can keep it in house trousers for the next 3 weeks. Wouldn't it be awful if he cheated on the old leathery bag while she's in there. Awful for us as it would give her more fodder for another bloody biography and some tedious OK exclusives. Will we ever be rid of this vacuous trollop?
Seriously though.....is £500k really good value for an inarticulate old bag? What can she possibly reveal in the house that we don't already know from her endless self publicity? Is anyone really interested in this faded glamour model these days? I don't think she's even worthy of a wank rating now she's had her silicon bags removed. Josie Cunningham would have been more interesting!
Did I actually just type that!
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