Let it go

Oh for heaven's sake Channel 5.  Stop messing with the format and giving us your 'twists'......enough already!  When was the last time we actually had a normal week of nominations and a proper eviction?  A twist should be a gob smacking surprise but for the last couple of years the show has been messed around with so much that it would be a bloody shock if we were actually given the opportunity to evict people that had been nominated by their housemates.

Constructed reality is already a dying art as shows like TOWIE, Made in Chelsea and Geordie Shore are in their final death throes.  So why are the Celebrity Big Brother producers following this weary path instead of trusting a proven format that has kept the nation gripped for over a decade?

Their latest fiddling is so blatant and they're not even trying to be clever or discreet.  Last week they rushed through a nomination shocker in an attempt to save Perez Hilton by asking Pricey to save someone and swap them for the most boring housemate.  It didn't go quite to plan as she chose to save Katie Hopkins and put up Calum Best.  I bet they breathed a sigh of relief on Friday when fish face Douvall was sent packing.

Not wanting to leave anything to chance this week, they've come up with a real beauty.  Today they decided to pretend that Perez had walked before nominations and put him in a secret room for a few days.  Didn't see that one coming.  A secret room!  Christ that's genius.  Won't this be fun.  Actually no it won't and I bet even the other housemates will rumble this before dinner.  Lazy, dull and about as subtle as Perez Hilton in his underpants snorting cheddar.

To be fair I can see why they're worried after Katie Price failed to set the show alight.  In fact she's been like a foam party at a hospice.  Completely out of place and inappropriate.  The woman has sucked the life out of the show and has no conversation other than spewing out sordid tales of her sexual antics with her many husbands.  From fisting Alex Reid to eye watering encounters with a well hung Argentinian.  From suicides to squirting. Her kids will be so proud. Strange that she spends so much time in the Diary Room telling Big Brother that she finds it difficult talking about her relationships.   The woman is deluded with no self awareness.  She's about as interesting as counting toenail clippings.

The trouble with Katie Price is that we're not shocked or surprised by her filthy gob but it seems to be catching.  In the papers this week I was horrified to read that Eamonn Holmes and Ruth Langsford are going at it like rabbits 24/7.  Poor Eamonn is run ragged.  I almost sicked up my breakfast smoothie.

Back in the house poor Patsy is going a bit bonkers.  She's needy and neurotic and despite her meditation routine she's about as calm as a ferret on heat.  But don't worry.  She's fine because she doesn't think there's any cameras around to film her breakdown.  Phew!  That's a relief Patsy.

In other news this week, Kav had a booze fuelled meltdown in his towelling robe after deciding that Cheggers is Dr Evil.  A nasty drunk in a nasty dressing gown.  Even foul mouthed, low rent Cammi was shocked by his attack.  It was like watching Joan Crawford battering her kid with a metal coat hanger.

So Alicia Douvall lost her place on Friday in a photo finish with Perez and Nadia.  Poor Alicia. She's an odd one but I quite liked her.  She's clearly had a tough life but couldn't see that her addictions and quirks are just as selfish as the alcohol and drugs lifestyle she despises.  When she said she'd rather die than have small tits you knew she really meant that with all her being.  Such a sad message for her kids.  She was fuming when her name was called and threw daggers at Katie Price for not saving her.  Pout was in full trout as she stomped up the stairs with her frown fighting the botox.

Katie Hopkins has been sticking her incredibly big nose into everything again.  Her obsession with Perez Hilton and his back fat is really spoiling her time in the house.  I hate to admit it but I've warmed to Katie over the last 2 weeks but FFS ........

Let it go, let it go.  Perez shouldn't bother you anyway.

In other news I heard today that in Northern supermarkets they're putting security tags on packs of bacon.  Says more about the North/South divide than anything I've read in the media recently.

The Price of Fame

Well it's been a bit of an explosive week in the house this week and I'm not talking about Patsy's farts!

First we had a juiced up Jeremy Jackson trying to free Chloe's boobs in the toilet after throwing up a rum and coke.  The outrage and drama that followed was understandable but I'm sure a slap and a knee to the scrotum would have been a more appropriate response in the circumstances.  I'm not blaming Chloe for the histrionics that swept the house but it did give the housemates an opportunity to dispose of the first victim on their list of outsiders.  The first oddball out.

Next on their agenda was Ken Morley.  A crusty old relic from a thankfully bygone age who hadn't quite managed to catch on to 21st century political correctness.  Whilst I'm not defending his use of dated and racist words I did find the outrage at his sexist behaviour slightly hypocritical.  It appears to be OK for the Loose Women panel and various female mags to continually make lewd references to men's packages, bums and pecs and talk about them as sex objects but a man is hung drawn and quartered for admitting to liking the curve of a pretty girl's bum cheek.  I have a feeling that if Calum had made the same comment it would been more acceptable to those girls.  I'm suggesting it was because it came from a plump, bald old man with thick glasses that it caused such a stir.  Strange that last year's Celebrity Big Brother winner made a career out of racist and sexist humour and was hailed as the 'salt of the earth'.  This is a funny old world as long as you're cute and have a twinkle in your eye as you abuse your victims.  Not so much if you're a sweaty old man who looks like a cross between Jade Goody and Les Dawson. Misfit number 2 was ousted and the house rejoiced.  Perez Hilton cried because he felt safe again, although I'm not quite sure why he was scared of Ken.  Probably because he was taking away his airtime.  The house was in remission but there was another lump to start worrying about.

Poor Alicia Duvall.  Katie, Chloe and Cami Li ripped into her like a bunch of hyenas tearing at a rotting carcass.  To be fair her face does resemble a death mask but her only crimes seem to be a misguided surgery addiction and a love for fruit.  That was enough for the house Mean Girls and she was subjected to a full on public humiliation at every opportunity.  The Plastics, led by Katie Hopkins, were relentless and I'm surprised that Big Brother didn't intervene as they seem so concerned with acceptable behaviour in the house these days.  Their concern about individual welfare seems inconsistent but Alicia rose to the challenge and was quite capable of fighting her own battles in spite of the calculated support and shit stirring from Perez and Nadia.  The public like an underdog and Alicia was saved from the first eviction at the expense of her nemesis and Chloe #whoareyou was booted out on Friday night to a horrendous reception.  YAY!

Katie Hopkins and Perez Hilton are at each others throats every day.  Not so much a Clash of the Titans as a Fracas of the Insecure.  They've both built a career around being keyboard bitches but this is clearly a front. They're like needy children who want so much to be liked but are scared to let anyone see their insecurities behind the mask of meanness.  They are so similar that they fear the other and that's created a primeval hatred that's oozing from our screens.  A prime example last week was when Katie was ranting to Perez again and she suggested his problem was that when people tell him he's a twat he ought to listen.  Clearly she doesn't listen to her own advice. The battle lines are drawn and the other housemates need to decide which brat to back.  Perez simulating anal sex in the garden probably hasn't helped his cause. I think I'd be like Calum and Kav and just hide under my duvet until the carnage is over.

I'm still loving Michelle Visage.  OK so she might look like Bernard Bresslaw in drag but she's got that house sussed and has no agenda or personality cracks.  She's the Queen of Queens but even she's finding these people hard going.  That's really saying something after 6 years of dealing with high maintenance egos on Rupaul's Drag Race.  Good luck love.......and don't fuck it up!

Big Brother then played his trump card.  No I'm still not talking about Patsy's wind.  They only brought in another self obsessed media whore.  Yes the boring Katie Price entered the house on Friday like a foul mouthed Fairy Godmother.  Would she reveal all about her sordid marriage to the sex addicted stripper.  You bet she would.  She'd hardly been in there 5 minutes before she was holding court about being betrayed by her ugly mate who shagged her man on a Cape Verde sunbed.  I hope Kieran can keep it in house trousers for the next 3 weeks.  Wouldn't it be awful if he cheated on the old leathery bag while she's in there. Awful for us as it would give her more fodder for another bloody biography and some tedious OK exclusives.  Will we ever be rid of this vacuous trollop?

Seriously though.....is £500k really good value for an inarticulate old bag?  What can she possibly reveal in the house that we don't already know from her endless self publicity?  Is anyone really interested in this faded glamour model these days?  I don't think she's even worthy of a wank rating now she's had her silicon bags removed.  Josie Cunningham would have been more interesting!

Did I actually just type that!

A Grim Fairy Tale

BEWARE!

Be prepared for very offensive language and adult themes from the start and throughout.

That's this year's Channel 5 warning at the start of Celebrity Big Brother and the same goes for this blog with the prospect of 3 weeks of Katie Fucking Hopkins and a bedroom full of tattooed tits and muscles.

I was gonna say Happy New Year but 2015 hasn't got off to a great start.  A convicted rapist is getting offers of a big pay packet to kick a ball around for the pleasure of some knuckle dragging misogynists.  Cult loons are on the loose in Paris, murdering cartoonists.  Steve McDonald has clinical depression and Cain Dingle's got an aneurysm. James Cordon is singing again and worst of all........Katie Hopkins is in the Celebrity Big Brother House!

Can I pass on that one for now!  I've got too much to say about that stupid woman for this blog.  I'll save that for later if you don't mind.

The first 'real' housemate out of the eye was Patsy Kensit in a wrestler's cape and swearing like a trooper.  I like Patsy.  She looks like an angel but I bet she's a filthy minx.  Dead cert that she didn't use rubber gloves and Cillit Bang to give Liam Gallagher a blow job.  

Next in was Perez Hilton. The social media queen is clearly suffering from withdrawal from his iPhone.  Over active. Over bearing. Over by week 2. 

Reg Holdsworth!  He was one of my teachers at secondary school in Edinburgh.  Mr Morley was a great teacher and loved by everyone.  Quite an achievement when your dealing with a load of spotty Jocks with raging hormones who would rather be smoking Embassy Regal by the Waltzers at The Gyle Fair with skinny birds in pencil skirts.

Cami Li is apparently a tattoo model. Is that even a thing?  I'd love to be a School Careers Officer these days. Ken was keen on her body art.  It was like watching him leering at Raquel over the fish fingers at Bettabuys.

Calum Best. Tabloid hunk. His claim to fame is being the spawn of an alcoholic football player and shagging Lindsay Lohan during her chemical years.  He's got form so could do well.

Alicia Duvall was next. 350 cosmetic procedures to look like a goldfish at a Halloween party.  She claims that her whole face was removed and replaced.  Shame they put it back inside out.

Alexander O'Neal??? Wonder which celebrity chickened out? What happened to the sharp suits man? He looks more like a Nigerian mini cab driver these days in a baggy two piece and over-sized comfy shoes from the Sunday Mail supplement.  Don't mean to Criticize but If You Were Here Tonight I'd have burnt that suit and chucked the shoes in Asda's recycling skip. Hopefully we'll love him by Saturday.

Nadia Sawalha. This years loose woman and a master chef.  Could go the distance without having to get her baps out in the jacuzzi. 

Hobie from Baywatch. Jeremy Jackson is almost as deranged as his TV Dad, The Hoff.  All mad eyes and sinewy body like a young Steven Tyler in a Rita Fairclough fun fur.

Kavana is the annoying porky popster who had a meltdown on The Big Reunion due to feeling inferior to Gareth Gates and Adam Rickitt.  Doesn't bode well......does it.

Drag Hag Michelle Visage is my favourite so far. Letting her gut out as soon as she got through the door.  A woman after my own heart. One to watch.

Chloe who? So someone else not turned up then?

Last one in was the legend that is Keith 'Cheggers' Chegwin!  I wonder if he was rat arsed every Saturday morning on Swap Shop.  He was always a tad over excited and bog eyed as I remember.  The thought of him banging Maggie Philbin was more disturbing than John Craven's jumpers.

A brilliant cast (with one exception).  Let's hope this fairy tale has a happy ending and the Wicked Queen doesn't make it to the final page.

Oh and before I forget.  If Ched Evans is really looking for employment they're advertising for shelf stackers in Lidls in Croydon.  Just saying....