Summer's here! No I'm not talking about the weather as the bloody Gulf Stream's got stuck again and the British Isles are basking in Autumnal grey skies and enduring squally showers and Arctic winds. God must really hate tennis.
Sod the weather. My summer started on Thursday night when the Big Brother house opened it's doors for this year's batch of desperate wannabes. Like a pack of suicidal Lemmings they rushed eagerly into the house to face an uncertain future. Falling off life's cliff into a burning hell of obscurity and ridicule. I for one salute them all. After 13 years I'm still fascinated by this show and love watching the nightly antics and fallout from the safety of my sofa.
The manipulation of the fame hungry and deluded has been turned into an art form by a glut of fake reality shows like TOWIE, Made in Chelsea and Geordie Shore. They all owe their lucrative popularity to the success of Big Brother but none of them will ever match it's longevity.
No Brian Dowling this year. Instead they've promoted the lovely Emma to the main show. Davina-Lite but that's no bad thing. All she needs to do is follow the auto-cue and remember she's on Channel 5 and she'll be fine ;-)
First out of the eye was a pair of fat grinning twins like a scruffy Tweedle Dee and Tweedle Dum. They could have made a bit of an effort for their big entrance. Hopefully they'll get a call from Jacamo when they leave the house.
Number 2 was Sideboob Sal who clearly didn't have a mirror handy when she got dressed. Denim hotpants and a couple of strips of lycra is not a good look when you've got legs like Mark Wright and a wobbly labia. Maybe she was smuggling a spare beanie hat in her pants. I hate her already.
Scary Jemima sashayed along the runway next. Apparently she's a Sarah Jessica Parker look-a-like. Well she's certainly got the boozer's nose and stringy hair. More Moggy than Cougar.
Next up was a nervous Irish postman who turned out to be this year's big secret. Wait for it.... He's an actor and will be our People's Puppet. Could have been a good idea but his acting is on a par with Dev from Corrie and looks like his cover will be blown by the end of the weekend.
A PE teacher and lifesaver! Things are looking up. Oh well not that far up. Callum seems to have lost his personality since recording his audition VT.
Hardcore lesbian fish woman. Her words not mine. Just to prove a point she's got a mackerel tattoo on her leg. Wolfy is a genuine Big Brother fan and I think I love her already. I'll try not to have too many smelly fish jokes in my blog this year. Promise.
A cute deaf Welsh boy with an expanding winkie. I guess if Harry Styles goes solo, Sam would make a fine addition to One Direction. I bet he sings better too.
Blonde bimbo time. A dental nurse with webbed feet who helps out in her Dad's scrap yard. I'm sure I've seen her selling bananas down Walford Market.
OMG it's Mr Chow from The Hangover! What a twat.
OK so day 2 and the next victims are waiting in the wings.
The most spoiled girl in Britain! This isn't going to go well. Gina didn't exactly endear herself to the crowd. I bet she walks in the first 7 days. Sallie hated her on sight.
Policeman Dan. A camp copper who looks more TOWIE than The Sweeney. I bet his truncheon is waxed and polished.
Here's the token model and she's well fit. Beautiful Hazel doesn't have a hope in hell of winning. Girls will hate her.
What the hell is Ashley Cole doing in there? Has he fallen on hard times since being ditched by the multi-talentless Ms Tweedy. Oh hang on. It's not him. It's some boxer bloke called Daley. Loves him Mum. Hard upbringing. Humble and polite. He's really laying on the sob story and it worked. Biggest cheer of the night. I quite like him too.
OK so our final treat is a mother and daughter in matching shoes. Charlie and Jackie seem a bit too nice and normal to be on Big Brother. Drink, drugs, fighting. That's normal these days.....right?
Day 2 finished with a massive bitch spat at 4am over some missing cleansing wipes. Sallie squeezing out fake tears and an indignant Gina getting a formal warning within hours of entering the house. That's what I love about Big Brother. Real people make the show. There's really no need to stick actors in there to spice it up.
Let's get the Irish puppet out and leave the fireworks to the real housemates.
Hooked already!
