So that's it folks. Torville & Dean have danced their last Bolero and not before time. The iconic routine used to fill me with rising emotions but recently I just worried that Chris would drop Jane on her head or get stuck in the splits and have to be airlifted from Borehamwood in a rescue helicopter. At least Jane Torville's been taking health & safety advice and now performs with a crash helmet hairdo that's been dipped in concrete. There's no doubt that our Ice King and Queen are two of the most beloved sports stars of the last 30 years but I really don't want to see them doing Bolero in wheelchairs.
Dancing on Ice was a brilliant concept. It was Strictly Come Dancing with danger. Celebrities, blades and blood. The prospect of Bonnie Langford having her head caved in or Andi Peters losing a hand or two has kept us glued to our Sunday evening screens for 9 years. However, like Strictly, it's a format that's become tired and the thrills are as thin as the ice now.
So what is the legacy of this once great family favourite?
For a show that produced many polished performances it's not the great dances we'll remember. It's Todd Carty bumbling his way across the ice with a terrified look on his face and crashing out in the competitors tunnel. How can we forget Keith Chegwin's brave attempts to get Olga's legs behind his ears and Lauren Goodger being dragged round the ice like an Eskimo's dinner.
DOI's outrageous costumes were like an explosion at the Mardi Gras Carnival but the weekly wardrobe highlight was always Holly's tits. The series lost two of it's biggest assets when she left. The stringy bit of fluff from Norn Iron was never going to fill those cups.
The judging panel didn't have a Len or a Simon. Instead we had to suffer an acidic balding queen whose highlights were comparing Sharon Davis to human sewage and being offensive to Head Coach Karen Barber. Shame Tim Healy didn't smack him in the face when he was being vile about Denise Welch. A talentless waste of space who looks like he's always got a bad smell under his nose. Wave your hair and your prime time TV days goodbye Mr Gardiner.
Philip has been looking like he could do with a good rest recently. ITV are getting their pound of his pasty flesh but since he lost his Holly he just seemed to be going through the motions. It wasn't helped by the lack of on screen chemistry with Christine bleedin' Bleakley. The woman is about as cold as the studio floor. So ITV now have a Schofield-free day to fill in their schedules. I hope they let the poor man have a bit of a break before they launch their next Sunday evening shenanigans. Celebrity Curling anyone?
I wouldn't be at all surprised if his next on screen wife is Susanna Reid when they discover she hasn't set the morning ratings alight after defecting from the BBC for an obscene pay packet. Will they never learn? Surprised they haven't asked Philip and Holly to start 4 hours earlier during the week. They could have a lie down when Lorraine and Jeremy Kyle are on.
Tonight they crowned the Champion of Champions and there was little tension as the arrogant little Scouser lifted the trophy. I say trophy but it was more like a cheap vase from IKEA Market Place. Ray Quinn was clearly the best skater on the show but he's a charmless man who looks like a schoolboy on steroids.
So that was it. The end of Dancing of Ice. Perhaps 2 years late but in it's day it was great family entertainment in a perfect time slot. Next week it's Catchphrase :-(
