Game of Drones

OK so let me just say from the get-go that I thought the opening ceremony of the Glasgow Games was amazing.  By London 2012 standards they had a meagre budget but bloody hell did they put on a show.  I was so envious of my colleagues up there on the night but the atmosphere and warmth really came through to this viewer sat in a steamy Croydon semi.

The whole evening was brash, quirky and opinionated.  Just like a Glaswegian.  You can catch two of my favourites on The Janey Godley podcast every week.  Like Janey & Ashley, the opening ceremony was full of Scottish pride, heart and self deprecating humour.  A genuine welcome to the banks of the Clyde.

That said there were some right clangers during the evening.  What sadist set Susan Boyle up for a fall with that dreadful McCartney dirge.  Mull of fucking Kintyre has to be the worst bagpipe anthem ever written and was completely wrong for the Blackburn diva.  As soon as she opened her gob you knew she wasn't happy with this trite shite.  The nerves kicked in and she stumbled over the words and lost her pitch for the rest of the verse.  I bet she was raging back stage and throwing bottles of Irn Bru at her entourage. Her Maj and Phil must have thought they'd got a turn from the Maryhill TA Social Club.  This wasn't the dream Subo dreamed.  It was a palm sweating nightmare.

John Barrowman wasn't much better.  All contrived accent and mincing around with some Tunnock's tea cakes.  Why couldn't we have had Lulu or Sheena Easton or even the bloody Krankies?

Rod Stewart did a turn but whilst his raspy delivery used to sound quite sexy in 1978, it's just a croaky old man now who sounds like he needs some Benylin and a packet of Strepsils.

Glasgow didn't need these big yins.  The Flash mob in George Square was the highlight for me.  Just real people, on the streets, having a good time.  Oh and the little Scottie dogs leading the athletes into the stadium was inspired.  G'on yersel Glasgeh!

After losing 3 housemates last week the Big Brother house was a bit shaken.  Pav and Zoe tried to settle in while Steven had a bit of a Britney Spears meltdown after the loss of his 'poor cow'.  His game plan was scuppered so he painted his face, waxed his pubes and shaved all his hair off to keep the focus on him. His needy lust was transferred to a stuffed robot.  Now there's irony for you.  He thought he looked the bees knees in his blue task trackies but it was more Bulgarian wrestling coach than street chic.  Steven Goode proves that money can't buy you style.  He's just a massive bell-end with a fat wallet.

The Power returned to the house with Ashleigh, Chris and Mark calling the shots.  Bianca, Matthew and Danielle planted some bitter seeds of doubt about Pav & Zoe but they were always safe as we now had our opportunity to evict selfish Steve. I suspect Pav won't last past next Friday.  He's just plain dull.  I'd rather watch Lauren Goodger's sex video.

Good games in Borehamwood this week as the housemates showed of their vocal talents in a sing-off that had my cringe glands swelling up again.  Maybe Subo, Rod & Captain Jack weren't that bad after all.

Thank goodness Mark got some negative crowd reaction this week.  He's so up himself and condescending.  I'm tired of his hissy fits and attention seeking now.  It's a pity he can't see his crumbling support in his own tea leaves.

Helen and Ash crossed a line this week and had something more than a friendly spoon under the duvet.  Helen is clearly besotted with the Mancunian Macho Man but I don't think his Mum needs to be worrying about buying a new hat any time soon.

In other news. Steven is out and Ashleigh brushed her hair.

Oh and Kimberly turned up on BBBOTS looking remarkably fit and healthy but still madly in love with Steven.  She must have a mental illness.

The Three Horsemen of the Apocalypse

So poor old Vince McMahon is in the shit.  The WWE is going down the pan after 30 years of dominating professional wrestling and turning it into a money spinning circus. WWE is the Redneck version of TOWIE, Geordie Shore & The Hills.  It's just a scripted soap opera.  Reality TV for beer swilling hillbillies.  Bring back Big Daddy and Giant Haystacks.

On this side of the pond we had our very own Smackdown playing out in Borehamwood as Marlon paid the price for his cowardly deed.  Ousted in his pants through the back door. Monday Night Raw.  A fitting end to a fairly superfluous housemate.

This is Armageddon week, which in Big Brother World meant that housemates lost their kettle, hair straighteners and jacuzzi.  Mark had a hissy fit and Danielle was outraged at being asked to eat something out of a tin.  Bear Grylls this lot ain't.  The housemates were forced to fight for food in a sewer and build a life raft from garbage.  Danielle was raging again as her team failed to bag enough rotting fish and she sank like a stone on her team's raft.  They should have used her breasts as ballast.  Those Mothers could have raised the Costa Concordia.

Hard times seemed to bring Mark and Christmas closer and after a couple of shandies they had a bit of a moment behind the rice and lentils.  I doubt it will last.  Christopher is already shocked by how much time Mark can spend talking about eyebrows.  His conversation is about as stimulating as watching test cricket.

To make the end of the world even less enjoyable Big Brother threw in some new housemates.  Three cats amongst the tatty old pigeons.  Now Essex gets a lot of stick for it's shallow culture but they plumbed new depths with Biannca.  All thick hair, thick fake tan, thick white teeth and a thick waist.  Just thick really. More JJ's Basildon than Sugar Hut. Within minutes she'd got her boobs out, threatened to sit on Winston's cock and ride him into the rubble.  This apparently is called banter these days amongst the Magaluf set.  Little wonder that men are losing respect for women and confused about their role.

Pav is also from Essex but comes over as a power mad nerd.  Like someone who plays World of Warcraft and knows how to sideload Android applications onto their Google Nexus.  Small and shifty.  This boy is out to win and take down anyone who stands in his way.

OMFG it's only Zoe Birkett off of Pop Idol!  This woman is more of a celebrity than some ex-CBB housemates.  What on earth is she doing on here?  Did she get her dates mixed up and arrive too early?  Zoe hasn't changed since she was beaten in to 4th place by Will, Gareth & Darius 12 years ago.  Shame about her choice of kecks though.  She looked like she was wearing two rolls of Linda Barker wallpaper.

The inevitable paranoia set in and worst hit was Danielle.  Her prim and proper persona was about to unravel as Biannca went for the jugular and revealed her secret lifestyle to the house.  Danielle's cover was blown and no amount of tears and back-peddling could convince her housemates that she's not used to prancing around in her undies showing her lady off.

As the squalor continued we also had the ongoing squalid romance of Steven and Kimberly. Steven was determined to interrogate the newbies to find out why the public hate him and when he found out it was due to his controlling personality and shagging Kim he blamed her again for making him look bad.  His constant badgering drove her to tears which of course made him even more angry as she was making him look like a dick.  I didn't think I could detest a housemate more than BB5's Jason Cowan but I was wrong. Kim also discovered that Steven had said that he'd shag someone in the house to help him win the 100 grand.

Kimberly conveniently acquired a mystery illness and disappeared up the stairs like Tracy Barlow Mk 2.  Will she re-appear with a new face and a personality?  For her sake I hope she leaves the country before 'sensitive' Steven is evicted.  

Steven didn't seem remotely bothered about Kim's departure.  The words that fell from his mouth were completely at odds with his body language.  In fact he was more concerned that her  illness was adding to his stress about his eviction night.  He did ask Big Brother to tell Kim that he loves her very very much as tore into a sandwich and a spray of spit and ham hit the Diary Room camera.  2 Second Steve took more time savouring his snack than he did pleasuring his bed partner.  

After 4 days of acting like a slut bucket it was Biannca that felt the wrath of the viewers and out she went with her bra round her neck and the crowd booing her breasts.  I'm sure it won't be the last we hear of her.  The Daily Star were probably on the phone Friday night.

So with no Kim, and Pav having the hots for Ashleigh, the newbies eviction choice was Danielle and her dual personalities.  They both left the house in a hideous purple slit dress that looked like a Shirley Bassey costume from a fancy dress shop.

With Armageddon over and Danielle cast into hell, she'll have plenty of time to consider what went wrong and how her own Book of Revelations ended her Big Brother experience.

p.s. Does anyone know where I can get a Designer Penis?  I can't find one on the Ralph Lauren website.

Fatal Attraction

I love you Big Brother.  I really love you.  I will never leave you.  I'm pissed off with you but I love you.  I will be with you forever.  Tell me you will never leave me.  Promise me you will be with me always!  I can't live without you.

It seems like an age since Terrible Toya was shown the door for being a complete bitch.  Let me tell you Toya.  You may have a law degree but a tabloid career in Nigeria and a bad attitude doesn't give you the right to look down your big nostrils at the other housemates.  Simply delusional with a massive chip potato wedge on her shoulder.  If she took her own advice she might be a nicer person.  Just calm the fuck down!

Toya's legacy was to split the house even more and isolate Ashleigh and Danielle.  Danielle was accused of flip flopping.  I think that was a euphemism for something she does on her web-cam show.  The surly pair retreated to the bedroom and concocted an evil plan to get Ash out of the house.  Ashleigh was dead chuffed with herself as she twiddled with her teddy.  Has she never watched the show before?  Pride comes before a fall and her master plan went tits up.

Ash survived the plotting and next to get the chop was Matthew and his hairy shoulders. I was surprised that he fell so soon as he was the only person to stand up to Helen and not wilt under the torrent of abuse.  Maybe it was those cheap vests and the bushy deltoids that put the public off?  He was a bit morose and static though.  The most animated thing about him was his jumpy eyebrows.  They were like two slugs on a trampoline as he anxiously awaited his fate.

In the aftermath, the coupling started in earnest.  Ash and Helen flirted like a couple on a Blackpool Stags & Hens weekend.  All talk and no action. More Chemistry than Biology & Physics.

However Danielle was on heat.  These Catholic girls are the worst.  A couple of hail Mary's and a chat in the confession box and God will forgive any fleshy sins.  After a couple of lager and limes she was purring and stretching over the kitchen worktop in an attempt to excite a bemused Winston.  Luckily for Danielle it was clear that Winston wasn't attracted to this pussy so she won't be needing Big Brother to get her a priest any time soon. Winston pissing on her passion was awkward but by no means the most gut churning match up in the house.

Steven & Kimberly.  Oh God where do I start?  Steven Goode is bad!  A dreadful, controlling man whose wooing techniques amount to gripping his girl in a headlock and making her feel bad about herself.  Steven was voted the biggest gentleman in the house by the rest of the gang.  This makes me sad that none of them can see what a domineering and selfish creep he actually is.  He's a master manipulator.  When he cried on Pauline's breasts after being up for eviction in week two, everyone was sucked in by his niceness.  Since then he's worn Kimberly down by his constant attacks on her character whilst smothering her with his 'love' and clammy clutches.  There's nothing cuddly or romantic about his physicality with her. Kimberly started the series as what appeared to be a strong, independent woman but he's broken her down to the point where he can demand that she 'Opens it' in bed.  She obeys silently.  Uncomfortable viewing and something I'm sure will hit a nerve with a lot of UK women.  Whilst coercing her into planning their marriage and a life together he started to destroy any links to her life before Big Brother.  He told her in no uncertain terms that she must never, ever speak to her ex boyfriend again.  He then cajoled her into destroying a couple of Polaroids of his rival from her personal scrapbook and once again she submitted and apologised for making him feel angry.  Her reward for her obedience was to lie back and think of England while he rolled on top of her and emptied his scrotum in her for about 20 seconds.  Seems like he can't control where it counts. There was nothing about love in this selfish act.  It was a quick wank without the any wrist effort.  A gentleman?  Gentlemen don't finger and shag someone they profess to love on national TV.  I'm not saying Kimberly is blameless but I've seen so many women & men like her crumble under the powerful assault of an insecure, controlling man.  Hopefully his days are numbered and she'll come to her senses.

Another insecure, spoilt brat showed his true colours this week as Marlon saved his own skin in the shopping task and avoided eviction.  He decided that betraying his friends and losing the food budget was a great idea.  It may have postponed the inevitable but his cowardice has turned the whole house against him and given everyone a good reason to nominate him next week.  I'll be glad to see the back of that Bianca Jackson silver jacket and ill-fitting baseball cap.  He won't be missed.  In fact his act of betrayal is about the only thing of significance that he's done in a month.  Don't worry mate.  There's gonna be a queue of 'talent' waiting to give you a hand job in the toilets of Yate's in Croydon when you get out.

Someone who will be missed is Slugsworth.  Sorry I mean Jale.  I really liked Jale but, like the movie Mean Girls, she got sucked into Helen's court and went from good egg to bad seed recently and now I'm not sure which was the real Jale.  I had a feeling that the viewers would be thinking the same as me but during her interview with Emma we saw the old Jale who was just a down to earth bird who was out to enjoy the Big Brother experience.  We'll miss ya maggot.

Armageddon next week.  Can't wait for Monday.  Let's hope one of the new housemates is Kimberly's ex and she gets a more satisfying shag :-)