The world is hurting right now. The Ebola virus is spreading. Brainwashed primitives are beheading innocent people in the name of their religion, disrupting peace amongst their fellow Arabs and threatening to attack the UK. Russia's power mad dictator is driving Europe into crisis and the world has failed children in South Yorkshire and innocent civilians in Gaza. So what are the top trending news articles this week in the UK? Someone sabotaged an Arctic Roll on The Great British Bake Off and James Argent off TOWIE went 'missing' for 4 hours on Friday night. Yes folks. These are the burning issues that matter to our nation. The injustice of a half melted dessert and a chubby bloke from Essex, in a shell suit, getting lost on the way to Stanstead airport. Reality TV has become our reality as we bury our heads in celebrity gossip, footballer's lifestyles and Kim Kardashian's wobbly bits.
I'm just as guilty and, like Nero fiddling while Rome burned, I've been glued to Channel 5 every night for 2 hours. This Celebrity Big Brother has been more harrowing than watching baby antelopes being slaughtered on the Serengeti plains. It's survival of the fittest in there and I think we need the soothing tones of David Attenborough to help us through the traumatic scenes unfolding in Borehamwood amongst the pink duvets. A pride of lions are feasting on the freaks and the feeble.
The Predators
James Jordan
King of the jungle who's in touch with his feminine side. Years of hip action and arm extensions have given him an affected mince that's at odds with his Alpha swagger and bulging biceps. James in his micro-shorts is a telly treat but he needs to reign in the bitching and patronising comments if he's going to survive the distance. His cold blue eyes and aggressive body language reveal his true feelings of contempt despite his attempts to appear caring and concerned.
Audley Harrison
Faded boxing champ who wants so much to be the leader of the pack but sits on the sidelines with a sneer, contemplating his fall from Olympic hero to support punchbag. After refusing to share a foot bath with Kellie this week I think he's blown his chances of a comeback fight. TKO.
Stephanie Pratt
Cute and playful but would slit your throat open without blinking a Lauren Goodger false eyelash. She's toying with a bemused George like a cat with a paralysed frog. I love George but he strikes me as a man who thinks 72 hour deodorant means you don't have to shower for 3 days. Steph's sweet demeanour came crashing down this week as she berated Gary for serving her lunch after he took a dump. She had a point but it made her look like a brat. I don't think them apples fell too far from the Speidi Tree.
Dee Kelly
Rumpled old warthog whose maternal mask is slipping each day. I so wanted to hate this woman but to be honest she's OK. She's taken to the role of house Mother like a duck to water and there's not even been a sniff of the panic attacks that allegedly kept her out of the workplace for years. She's always there with a flabby hug and words of comfort for the rest of the pride but there's a sly look in her eye that suggests she wouldn't think twice about culling the competition at the first sign of weakness. I'm sure her old Brummy neighbours would agree.
David, Ricci & George
The gormless gimps. They just spend their days running around the garden or annoying the girls. Poor Ricci is a broken man since David got the push and squeaky George has taken comfort in the attention of a bored Stephanie. Somehow I can't see Steph curled up on the sofa in pink Crocs with Linda & George on the next series of Gogglebox. Just as unlikely as George rewiring Binky's flat on Made in Chelsea.
The Prey
Gary Busey
Smelly old scarecrow with a bad attitude. He might be deaf as a post but that's no excuse for rudeness and stinky feet. Busey has a face like someone dropped their dentures into a bowl of mashed potato. Not only is he a major international star (his words) but we learned this week that he's been reincarnated 32 times. Apparently he fought at the Alamo and was Alexander the Great's right hand man. Shame he never learnt about personal hygiene during all those past lives. I think the Dementia Care Home beckons.
Frenchy
Grotesque Gallic stripper with psychotic tendencies. She's like how Barbie would have turned out if she'd had a crack problem and a cheap plastic surgeon. She had a meltdown this week and threw spaghetti all over the house. I think she was confused and thought Big Brother had delivered the wrong shade of hair extensions.
Leslie Jordan
Camp sociopath who either has a tapeworm or an unstable blood sugar level due to years of living on Jack Daniels, speed and poppers. I loved Leslie on Will & Grace and he hasn't disappointed in the house. His fiery feuds with Gary & Frenchy have been TV gold. He's like a tiny hand grenade. How can something so small explode with such hilarious spite and venom. You really can't take his spectacular hissy fits seriously. Sadly the GBP did and the tiny bitch was the second person to be evicted on Friday.
Lauren Goodger
Porcine pool pisser. I like Lauren but Christ, she really needs a stylist. It's been one frock horror after another. The canary yellow sheath with knitted arm bands, netting and a glimpse of muff was a real shocker. She's desperate to make right mark but sitting all day with a pout and a fag on isn't going to bring in the votes.
Kellie Maloney
Oh Kellie. What were you thinking? When the doctors said you should live as a woman as part of your psychological transformation from Frank to Kellie I'm sure they didn't expect you to take your first wobbly steps into the Big Brother House for the world to witness your wig and makeup experiments. It takes transgender patients years to develop their feminine persona and style but you decided to jeopardise an already difficult journey by stepping into the spotlight with some dodgy wigs and the sale rack from Bon Marche. I really wish you well but hope you're evicted soon for your own state of mind.
Claire King
Another soapy letdown. Kim Tate was sexy, spunky and spiky. Claire is more like an old pot of stewed tea. I think she's missing her horses and mugs of vodka.
Edele Lynch
What can I say about Edele? Well she's Irish..........
I thought she'd be a right firecracker but so far she's a damp squib. She should have gone on X Factor. Louis would have put her through to the live shows despite her vocal limitations. I can see him now. Bouncing up and down and asking everyone in Ireland to pick up the phone and vote.
Talking of X Factor. Simon is back tonight with Louis, Cheryl and Scary Spice. Four months of tears, tantrums and a ratings war with Strictly.
World crisis......what world crisis?
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