Well that was a big disappointment. Mean girl, Helen Wood walked away with 100 grand thanks to a modern phenomenon. A core fan base who keep dangerous dogs, rob Poundstretcher and ring the Jeremy Kyle hotline every week. The Vicky Pollard generation have spoken and their poster bitch took the Big Brother crown, much to the embarrassment of everyone. Poor Emma Willis was literally speechless in her post show interview on Bit the Side. I really hope Helen is going to give Pauline a cut of her winnings. If she hadn't received that free pass to the final she would have been out on her ass weeks ago so she owes Pauline big time. Somehow I can't see that happening though. Despite Helen's tears it was clear that she blames her bad behaviour on everyone else. They caused her to act like a dick and a bully. It was Danielle/Mathew/Jalé/Ashleigh's fault that she got 14 warnings in 4 days. Today it's always someone else's fault. Society, environment, the Government, the Police, parents. There's no self awareness or responsibility for their actions. That's what I love about Big Brother. It's a social commentary and psychological experiment disguised as a frivolous game show for the great unwashed. So Helen's out with money to burn. Wilmslow WAGs better watch their backs.
And now for something completely different. Well not really. The first 'celebrity' into the house on Monday was the infamous white Dee. A vision in figure hugging, grey poly-cotton and a Phil Oakey haircut. This woman's claim to fame is the fact that she's not worked for years. Yes that's a career option in 21st century Britain and when it brings fame and fortune it does seem like a bloody good choice. The BB producers know their audience and so Dee was given plenty of airtime with a launch night task to pass herself off as the Duchess of Solihull. They might as well of handed her a golden ticket to the final. To be fair she did a good job and the makeover was impressive but did they not spot the tattoos on her ankle? Only an American would think nothing of a member of the Royal Family having a packet of Lambert & Butler stashed in their bra.
Macho ballroom king, James Jordan was next. Sacked from Strictly for being too opinionated, I bet he's gonna be trouble. Minus his Ola I wonder if he'll be offering up his Rumba in the bedroom over the next few weeks. The first #hotmale
James was followed by Claire King off of Emmerdale. She came over all house hostess but I'm sure it won't be long before Kim Tate resurfaces and the smiling Yorkshire assassin starts plotting to get rid of her fellow housemates. Great tits.
Another hottie! Someone called David who's the current beau of Kelly Brook. She seems to be going down the celebrity boyfriend ladder and this is probably her attempt to get him off the Z list and up to at least T or R by the end of the month. Far too bouncy, lumpy and pumped for my liking. Having sex with David would be like shagging a sack of potatoes on a Blackpool tram.
Poor Kellie Maloney should have tried walking in those shoes before she took to the runway. Bless her. I can't decide if she's really brave for going on the show or just plain stupid. For someone who's only been living as a woman for such a short period of time she looked great. Lauren Harries must be raging.
Kellie's mate Audley looked really surprised to see her but his reaction was priceless. 'So you obviously thought about this for a long time and the only thing you could come up with was Kellie' A perfect comment for a situation that could have been awkward. Nice one Audley.
Lauren Goodger. Poor girl has a permanent selfie pout on her face. What on earth was she wearing? She looked like a bowl of Ben & Jerry's that's been left out of the freezer too long. I reckon she might be first out which is a shame because I'm sure she's a nice girl but will forever be remembered for being the bane of poor Mark Wright's life on TOWIE. Isn't it funny how Mark Wright could be a complete cheating bastard and yet it was always long suffering Lauren who came in for the most stick on social media sites and in the press.
Lovely George off Gogglebox was next. Now for me he's got more charm and couch appeal than Mark Wright or any of that TOWIE lot. He might be squeaky but you gottta love a man with no pants who loves his Mum.
Fresh from the Big Reunion it's her off Bewitched. Edele always seemed like a bitch to me. Like an Irish Diana Ross who thought she was better than the other girls in the band. She probably was but Diana had Berry Gordy as a mentor, she had Louis Walsh. C'est la vie.
Oh FFS not another Geordie Shore wannabe! Rubbish Ricci. Sorry I can't even be bothered to comment.
And another Reality TV 'star'. Keeping it in the family we have Spencer Pratt's sister. Stephanie's gone from The Hills to Chelsea to Borehamwood. That sounds like Kelly Brook's boyfriend journey. Cute but jet-lagged. I'm not sure she'll have the Speidi Factor.
Little Leslie Jordan! I've loved him since Will & Grace and his massive bitch fights with Karen. A complete legend and could be this year's Julian Clary if he can stay out of conflicts.
WTF is this???? A French pole dancer called Frenchy with a face to die for. Truly I would rather die than have a face like that. She looks like Plug from the Beano with cheap blonde extensions. I'm sure she's a sweet girl but what a mess. Reminds me of that scene in Batman when the Joker dipped Jerry Hall in that vat of toxic waste.
And finally it's Hollywood faded star, Gary Busey. He always looked a bit crumpled and crazy but the years haven't been kind. He scares me. I hope they have good security on hand as I don't think it will be long before Gary's demons are unleashed.
A great bunch of housemates again and I'm obsessed already but I can't help thinking they should do a version of Celebrity Big Brother for famous people.
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