Fatal Attraction

I love you Big Brother.  I really love you.  I will never leave you.  I'm pissed off with you but I love you.  I will be with you forever.  Tell me you will never leave me.  Promise me you will be with me always!  I can't live without you.

It seems like an age since Terrible Toya was shown the door for being a complete bitch.  Let me tell you Toya.  You may have a law degree but a tabloid career in Nigeria and a bad attitude doesn't give you the right to look down your big nostrils at the other housemates.  Simply delusional with a massive chip potato wedge on her shoulder.  If she took her own advice she might be a nicer person.  Just calm the fuck down!

Toya's legacy was to split the house even more and isolate Ashleigh and Danielle.  Danielle was accused of flip flopping.  I think that was a euphemism for something she does on her web-cam show.  The surly pair retreated to the bedroom and concocted an evil plan to get Ash out of the house.  Ashleigh was dead chuffed with herself as she twiddled with her teddy.  Has she never watched the show before?  Pride comes before a fall and her master plan went tits up.

Ash survived the plotting and next to get the chop was Matthew and his hairy shoulders. I was surprised that he fell so soon as he was the only person to stand up to Helen and not wilt under the torrent of abuse.  Maybe it was those cheap vests and the bushy deltoids that put the public off?  He was a bit morose and static though.  The most animated thing about him was his jumpy eyebrows.  They were like two slugs on a trampoline as he anxiously awaited his fate.

In the aftermath, the coupling started in earnest.  Ash and Helen flirted like a couple on a Blackpool Stags & Hens weekend.  All talk and no action. More Chemistry than Biology & Physics.

However Danielle was on heat.  These Catholic girls are the worst.  A couple of hail Mary's and a chat in the confession box and God will forgive any fleshy sins.  After a couple of lager and limes she was purring and stretching over the kitchen worktop in an attempt to excite a bemused Winston.  Luckily for Danielle it was clear that Winston wasn't attracted to this pussy so she won't be needing Big Brother to get her a priest any time soon. Winston pissing on her passion was awkward but by no means the most gut churning match up in the house.

Steven & Kimberly.  Oh God where do I start?  Steven Goode is bad!  A dreadful, controlling man whose wooing techniques amount to gripping his girl in a headlock and making her feel bad about herself.  Steven was voted the biggest gentleman in the house by the rest of the gang.  This makes me sad that none of them can see what a domineering and selfish creep he actually is.  He's a master manipulator.  When he cried on Pauline's breasts after being up for eviction in week two, everyone was sucked in by his niceness.  Since then he's worn Kimberly down by his constant attacks on her character whilst smothering her with his 'love' and clammy clutches.  There's nothing cuddly or romantic about his physicality with her. Kimberly started the series as what appeared to be a strong, independent woman but he's broken her down to the point where he can demand that she 'Opens it' in bed.  She obeys silently.  Uncomfortable viewing and something I'm sure will hit a nerve with a lot of UK women.  Whilst coercing her into planning their marriage and a life together he started to destroy any links to her life before Big Brother.  He told her in no uncertain terms that she must never, ever speak to her ex boyfriend again.  He then cajoled her into destroying a couple of Polaroids of his rival from her personal scrapbook and once again she submitted and apologised for making him feel angry.  Her reward for her obedience was to lie back and think of England while he rolled on top of her and emptied his scrotum in her for about 20 seconds.  Seems like he can't control where it counts. There was nothing about love in this selfish act.  It was a quick wank without the any wrist effort.  A gentleman?  Gentlemen don't finger and shag someone they profess to love on national TV.  I'm not saying Kimberly is blameless but I've seen so many women & men like her crumble under the powerful assault of an insecure, controlling man.  Hopefully his days are numbered and she'll come to her senses.

Another insecure, spoilt brat showed his true colours this week as Marlon saved his own skin in the shopping task and avoided eviction.  He decided that betraying his friends and losing the food budget was a great idea.  It may have postponed the inevitable but his cowardice has turned the whole house against him and given everyone a good reason to nominate him next week.  I'll be glad to see the back of that Bianca Jackson silver jacket and ill-fitting baseball cap.  He won't be missed.  In fact his act of betrayal is about the only thing of significance that he's done in a month.  Don't worry mate.  There's gonna be a queue of 'talent' waiting to give you a hand job in the toilets of Yate's in Croydon when you get out.

Someone who will be missed is Slugsworth.  Sorry I mean Jale.  I really liked Jale but, like the movie Mean Girls, she got sucked into Helen's court and went from good egg to bad seed recently and now I'm not sure which was the real Jale.  I had a feeling that the viewers would be thinking the same as me but during her interview with Emma we saw the old Jale who was just a down to earth bird who was out to enjoy the Big Brother experience.  We'll miss ya maggot.

Armageddon next week.  Can't wait for Monday.  Let's hope one of the new housemates is Kimberly's ex and she gets a more satisfying shag :-)