So before I discuss this week's Big Brother scandals and traumas I can't let the other big TV event go without a mention. The World Cup kicked off in Brasil on Thursday but sadly the opening night was hosted by ITV and the dreadful Adrian Chiles. The man is a buffoon and I have no idea how he manages to remain as anchor to ITV's football coverage.
His pre-match conversation was focused on talking about the empty beach and ass licking his 2 Euro legend colleagues. A real coup to get Vieira and Cannavaro but someone forgot that with 3 thick accents on the panel, the banter wasn't going to flow. It was like some Brit abroad trying to ingratiate himself with the local waiters. They were confused. We were confused and poor Lee Dixon on the end wasn't sure why he was there.
Outside we had Ian Wright. His opening question to a deserted beach was 'I wonder why it's called Sugar Loaf Mountain?' Seriously mate. That was the best line you could come up with. 4 years to prep and you actually said that. Next he hugged a German surfer but the questions didn't get any better 'So you reckon you have a good shot?' Things can only get better....right? Wrong!
The opening ceremony started with a half empty stadium. It looked like the stewards were filling up seats with staff and shifting them around to make the place look busy. The Brazilians must have known it was gonna be a shocker and decided to give it a wide berth until the match started. Two words spring to mind. Cheap & Nasty. Was Katie Price their Artistic Director? The anti-climax started with some old Brazilian pop princess in a sparkly leotard and blue ankle socks. Then they brought out the big guns. Pitbull and J-Lo. Well I say they brought them out but the stage lift broke down so they had to clamber out of a big hole before the vocals on the backing track kicked in.
Jen checked for snags on her tights, straightened her poison ivy minge strap and flashed a smile. After a couple of Ola Olas it dawned on everyone that the sound had been turned down and the Latino Superstars were being drowned out by the crowd noise. They carried on bravely but you could tell that J-Lo wasn't happy. Love don't cost a thing but it's worth forking out for a good sound engineer. The President of the International Olympic Committee must have been crying into his Beck's at this point.
ITV then cut to an ad break and never bothered to go back. Just as I was starting to love the shambolic mess, they brought back Adrian Chiles. He filled time with his inane and pointless chatter about it getting dark outside and more fawning over Vieira and Cannavaro. Not sure if it was his Brummy accent or the banal questions but Patrick & Fabio seemed to be answering completely different questions. Lee Dixon was just happy to make up the numbers and who can blame him.
I guess ITV know that the Beeb will thrash them and this car crash just filled in time between the adverts. The beautiful game turned into an ugly mess.
Finally the football started and I switched over to Big Brother.
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