A summer of watching a load of egotistical jessies running around in their shorts under the floodlights and whipping their tops off at every opportunity. No I don't mean Big Brother. I'm talking about the 2014 World Cup. Don't get me wrong. I love a good footie match but 4 weeks of blanket prime time coverage with every match being mulled over by a load of sweaty pundits in Armani suits isn't my idea of TV Gold. I'd rather give myself a Brazilian with a set of rusty tweezers than watch Adrian Chiles chewing his fat over the Iranian front 4.
Armchair pundits on Twitter are far more entertaining. Social media discussions can definitely enhance the boredom of 90 minutes of ITVs exclusive coverage of Ghana's Group G challenge. Having said that we need much less ball by ball commentary on Twitter. Put your smartphones down FFS. Those of us who are interested are actually watching the match and don't need you filling up our timelines every 30 seconds. That is as pointless as trying to have a reasonable debate with the YES vote extremists for Scottish independence or the UKIP party manifesto.
Thankfully those of us not obsessed with dribbling Prima Donnas can enjoy the summer in the company of Emma, Ryan and Ian and the class of 2014 in the revamped Big Brother House. On launch night Emma looked stunning in a white catsuit more luminous than Rylan's teeth and not even a hint of a camel toe. Emma could wear a Morrison's bag-for-life and look elegant.
So first to step out of the eye was Tamara. A ruthless headhunter who hates glamour model types. She said this with her tits hanging out whilst boasting that she enjoys a Man Buffet. About as classy as Louisa Zissman.
Up next was a camp, Scouse window dresser called Mark in a yellow blazer. Imagine the love child of Marcus off X Factor and Eurovision's Conchita Wurst but more Tweetie Pie than a Phoenix. Left school with a GCSE in Lunch. Well I guess that's more useful than General Studies or Latin. Apologies to my Merseyside mates but that affected voice was pissing me off before he even got to the top of the stairs.
Number 3 was Helen. A Northern beauty therapist with a shady past. No I have no idea who she is either. Oh hang on. Is she the one who gave Wayne Rooney a BJ? Shouldn't she be on Celebrity Big Brother ;-)
Millionaire Steven wants to be a future Prime Minister. Personally I think all our potential PMs should go on Big Brother so we can see the real people beneath the waxy facades. Steven has an uncanny resemblance to BB's Ian Lee. Poor sod! Wants to show us his soft side. Could be a limp dick.
I was wondering when the hideous Scot would turn up and right on cue we get Danielle. A homophobic God botherer who claims to have high morals but works as a lingerie model and sold a story to the press about the size of BB Dexter's willy. That doesn't sound very Christian to me.
Winston, all grin and guns, bragged that he's a bit smarter than the usual Essex boys. Joey Essex and James Argent are a pretty low benchmark mate. Cheeky chappy and easy on the eye. Hope he's packed some Speedos.
Miserable Matthew is a posh Jewish boy with landscaped eyebrows. Sounds like Julian Clary and has more makeup than the Avon lady but he's not gay. Honest, he has a girlfriend although she could be his second beard. Apparently he's scared of boats but not sure why that fact was relevant to his current status. Maybe Big Brother have a sailing task lined up for the new pool.
Here comes another bloody model/business woman. Is there a Uni that does degrees in Katie Price? Kimberly claims to be a closet genius. Somehow I think her genius will remain well hidden throughout the summer. I bet Lee Ryan will be all over her like a rash at the wrap party.
Irish Christopher was raised on a farm and looked a bit like a lamb to the slaughter. He's a semi-journalist with a lovely smile and come to bed eyes. However he's a fan of Katie Hopkins and a secret ginger. I just lost my semi.
Last but definitely not least we have rapper Pauline. Most down to earth HM of the night. Love her. Not sure a white catsuit with netting was a good choice for someone with those thighs and a fat back mind.
More housemates on the way. I bloody love this show.
The Only Way is Borehamwood.
No comments:
Post a Comment