A Barrel of Monkeys

Well thank Christ Christmas is over!

Two weeks of stuffing our faces and binge drinking in front of the telly with people we avoid like the plague for most of the year.  Once it's all over what do we have?  An empty bank account, low self esteem and an overflowing wheelie bin. God has a lot to answer for.

I've just chucked a wad of cards in the recycling bin and not one of them showed a picture of black skies, horizontal rain and empty bags of Aunt Bessie roast potatoes blowing around the street.

Christmas has become like Reality TV.  It's all fake but we just can't help being drawn into it.  It's now just the bit in between X Factor and Celebrity Big Brother.

OK so Christmas over and a brand new year kicked off with the lovely Emma Willis welcoming us to a very plush and opulent (cheap and tacky) Big Brother House. The new house is like a Gypsy furniture showroom.

So who would I least like to see in this year's house?  The odious Jim Davidson.

And first out of the eye is.......Jim Davidson!  Bugger!  Obviously trying to raise his star profile after a mauling in the press.  He should have had a chat with Michael Barrymore before signing up.  For some reason he turned up on launch night dressed as Dr Who.

Housemate number two was Linda Nolan.  She was big in Japan and is now just...well...big.  She swept along the runway in a red cape and was a dead ringer for camp 70's wrestler Adrian Street. Just Google him and tell me I'm not wrong.

Up next was herb-loving Dappy.  Seriously dude you look like a gay dwarf in your Nan's bathroom curtains.  Apparently he's got a third leg which I assume is a nod to the size of his penis.  Considering he's like Camden's answer to Jimminy Crickett I'm not sure that's much of a compliment.  He's been kicked in the face by a horse recently.  Animals are a good judge of character.

Oh Jeez it's Liz Jones.  A post menopausal mess with a beard who wanted a baby to get a year off work.  She looks crazy, but not in a good way.  Reminds me of Mary the witch from BB6. Dappy looked like he might cry when he was handcuffed to her.

Sam Faiers was next.  Poor girl must have starved herself over the holidays for her OK magazine spread and no doubt there's a fitness DVD lined up.  She looked gorgeous but I bet after a week in there she's gonna look like a bag of spanners.  I hope she's taken in lots of makeup, concealer and false eye lashes.

Her buddy is an LA groupie called Jasmine Waltz.  More of an American Smooth but she looks like good fun so I'll give her a 7 for her first performance.

Lee Ryan's joined the party.  CBB is becoming a cure for bankruptcy.  However I think Lee will be good value.  What's not to like about a guy who likes badgers?  He doesn't think before he speaks.  In fact I don't think he thinks at all but he's easy on the eye.  Cute and dim.  Perfect man really. I think him and Sam would make a good couple.  He's like Joey Essex but with more charm.

However he's paired up with a pair of big tits on a small tap dancer.  I'm not sure big breasts and tap dancing are a good combination.  No idea who she is but she's annoying me already.  Not keen on women who define themselves by the size of their mammies.

Gotta love Ollie.  He just looked so happy to be there.  He sounds like Tom Daley on speed and that's not where the similarity ends ;-)

OMG not Lionel Blair!  Mr Showbiz said he loved young kids which in the current climate wasn't the best opening line.  The look on his face when he was shackled to Ollie was priceless and creepy.   I wouldn't fancy going for a piss with Lionel chained to my left wrist.

Luisa.  The whiney voiced, bisexual bitch off The Apprentice.  Clearly her cupcakes aren't selling like hot cakes. Hopefully she'll be fired first.

And finally The Real Deal. It's only the legend that is Evander Holyfield!  I'm not sure he knew where he was and what he'd signed up for.  He looked dazed and confused and why did Emma ask him if he'd ever been to Borehamwood.  Was that question really on the auto-cue?  Maybe she had brain freeze. When he was being chained to Luisa he looked like he'd rather have Mike Tyson bite his other ear off.  I know how he felt.

So there we have it.  The House of 2014.

A brilliant bunch of misfits and eccentrics and has the potential to be one of the best series ever.

People who moan about Z list celebrities going into the Big Brother House really don't get the brilliance of the show.

Talking of 'brilliance'. Why is Marco Falcone wearing Rylan Clark's teeth on BBBOTS?

Happy New Year x