Train fares are going up. The whole country is in varying stages of the new cold virus. Argentina want the Falklands back again and I've put on so much weight over the Christmas holidays that I've just broken our toilet seat. Just when my glass was getting half empty, Channel 5 have only gone and kicked off the new season of Celebrity Big Brother to help us get over those January blues. It's a perfect antidote to the dullest Christmas telly ever.
OK so first out of the gate was Frankie Dettori looking like Andy Capp after a gastric band op. Not so much an Italian Stallion. More of a Latin Verne Troyer.
OMG! SHUT UP! It's Ryland off X Factor. Definitely this year's front runner but his form might be damaged by his BFF. Katie Price is sure to use this as an opportunity to get herself in the tabloids for the next couple of weeks. With the odious publicity whore supporting him, it could be the kiss of death. If he does win I suspect she'll be all over him like a rash and we could be looking at marriage number three. She's tried straight and bi/tranny and so a gay husband would seem to be the next obvious headline grabber.
Paula Hamilton. A posh ageing ego who thought Toadfish from Neighbours was a Channel 5 runner. Awkward! It's like Jasmine Lennard Mk2. For someone who claims to have so much style and a glamorous life she looked like a novelty hot water bottle when she entered the basement.
Trisha seems a bit like her TV shows. Comfy Sunday night in slippers with your Mum. Hopefully her Kirby roots will surface as she looks like she has the potential to be the head bridesmaid on a hen night to Blackpool.
Toadfish from Neighbours was sent to the basement but that won't bother him. Coming to London and sleeping rough wherever they can find a floor just comes natural to our friends from down under. Let's hope he doesn't over stay his welcome. Aussie house guests can be more difficult to get rid of than a cold sore.
Gillian Taylforth was up next. An Eastend legend who is famous for giving birth to Ian Beale and giving blow jobs on the M25. An obvious choice for the Queen's next birthday honours. More deserved than someone who can ride a bike a bit fast!
It was totty time after the break and we got a nervy Scottish hunk with nice calves and some thick bird called Miss Banghard with big bangers. Yes that's her real name. You couldn't make it up could you?
Razor Ruddock was obviously just dragged in from the local pub after Jim Davidson's past came back to haunt him. You could almost smell the stale lager and cigarettes as he lumbered along the runway.
Claire from Steps stepped up next showing off her curves. That was me being polite and PC! Claire obviously decided that slobbing around in the house for 3 weeks was preferable to doing a fitness DVD. I love Claire and she's my winner at the moment. She seems like a bit of a fragile character so let's hope the Big Brother House doesn't turn into a Tragedy for her.
They saved the worst till last. Two strange American reality TV wannabes. Speidi are the product of the US version of TOWIE and just like our own 'talent' from Brentwood they have an unhealthy and delusional view of their own celebrity. They'll be good value and the obvious villains of the piece but a bit too contrived for my liking. They might be a pair of pratts but at least they've proved on previous shows that they can play their parts without scripts and edits so a more safe bet than James Argent and Joey Essex.
This year they've gone all Downton Abbey and introduced an upstairs downstairs theme. Let's hope it's not like the Downton Christmas special. That was like watching paint dry until they killed off one of the stars in the final reel. Actually that might not be such a bad idea. 'Big Brother House. This is Brian. The public have been voting and the housemate who will die tonight is..........'
Great to have Big Brother back. Will it be a good one? I'll get back to you :-)
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