Well that was the frostiest final since Nadia and Jason grimaced from opposite sides of the sofa. Nutty Rylan looked lost and alone without his Daddy Razor and Claire from Steps. As usual, the dull Americans sat on the settee with blank stares like they were waiting for an STI check down the local clinic.
For all of two minutes, during the final ad break, I had a sudden loss of faith in the British public and started to panic that the Pratts might have won but I needn't have worried. Queen Rylan was rightly crowned and had one of his dramatic meltdowns as the Yankee Chavs exited to a hail of boos from a sea of duffle coats and woolly hats. Spencer Pratt's eviction outfit was the same fleece he'd worn for three weeks. Was he sponsored by Millets? At least he was warm. Poor Rylan forgot he was in Borehamwood in January and went out in a mosquito net and nipples like bullets.
I was really shocked that Razor was booted out first on the night. He was a revelation in the house and so bloody funny. Snoring, farting and letting his balls hang out all over the place he was up for anything and a totally great housemate from Day 1. His bromance with Rylan was touching, genuine and brought us laughter every day. His balls were also on display when he stood up to The Pratts whilst the other housemates just stood around like nervous Meerkats. His warning from Big Brother for doing so was the low point for me this series as that's when it dawned on me that Channel 5 had a 'special' bond with their US imports and would do everything within their power to keep them happy and safe until the final.
What was it about these second rate actors that caused such a stir? They spent most of their time in the house just sitting around or lying in bed moaning about how hard it was for them. They were getting paid for being lazy sociopaths. Maybe that's why so many of the Channel 5 audience could relate to them. The Jeremy Kyle, benefits generation had found their very own role models. The sort of people who voted online that they would rather dance (slut drop) like Heidi Pratt than be able to sing like Claire from Steps. Obviously Channel 5 know their audience and were handed their biggest ever ratings for the final. However they shouldn't get too cocky. Channel 4 got too big for it's boots and manipulated the audiences so much that the core fans drifted away in the end. I just hope we don't get more actors in the next series being paid to perform a role. Please leave that to shows like TOWIE and Geordie Shore and let us see true personalities shine in the Big Brother House.
Claire was the next one to get the boot on Friday and as much as I love her she didn't really leave much of an impression except when she sat on the Diary Room chair. She was really nice and Mumsy but could have done with some of Razor's balls instead of running off to the bedroom to fold jumpers every time there was a whiff of an argument. How she survived so long in Steps is a miracle and obvious now why her departure was such a surprise to her band mates. She's a people pleaser who avoids conflict at all costs. A gay icon? A diva? More like a jelly baby in Ugg boots.
Toadie was third! How the hell did that happen? Nice bloke but he almost made The Pratts look interesting. I'm sure he only used the show to get a free gym pass for a month to work off his Christmas dinner.
So the scene was set for the showdown we all wanted. Rylan v The Pratts. Mr Entertainment pitted against a pair of big sulks. Thankfully Essex fun prevailed over LA fakery and the X Factor's X Ginger became Reality TV Royalty. Hopefully we've seen the last of Spencer and Heidi until they return to promote Heidi's challenge to Adele. The hills are alive with the sound of a Wii Sing Party!
Brian and Emma were on sparkling form this series and both seemed to have found their stride. This wasn't a classic CBB, despite the ratings. Let's hope Channel 5 get a group of bigger personalities next time. Or at least make sure that everyone has a personality!
Until the summer then. Good, but could do better xxx
Sorry but just been distracted by Keith Chegwin in pink satin trying to be romantic on Dancing on Ice. That'll do pig ;-)
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