Boys Just Wanna Have Crunch

Brian Dowling is so right for this job but every time he minces down the runway I can't help but think he's missing a duty free trolley full of fags, booze and green Ryanair teddy bears.  You can take the boy out of the cabin crew but you can't take the cabin crew out of the boy.  He smiles and checks out the audience like he's making sure they all have their seat belts fastened.  I like that he gets a bit prickly with the housemates he doesn't like and isn't afraid to ask the questions that we want answered.  I just wish he'd ditch the Olly Murs style suits.  Tight shiny trousers aren't flattering if you're smuggling excess baggage under your seat.

I don't watch Eastenders so might have been the only person watching on Friday who wasn't surprised to see the ample back of Cheryl Ferguson trotting up the stairs and out of the house.  Apart from blowing off on cue and discussing how her vagina was eating her bed sheets she was pretty unmemorable.  I reckon she deserved to be evicted for her crimes against outsize dresses. Someone give her the address for Simplybe FFS!

Cheryl's legacy was the pet name she uses for said vagina.  I know I'm probably not the best person to judge but is crunch an onomatopoeia or something to do with dunking biscuits?  Judging by the picture up there of Julie Goodyear I'm thinking she's more of a squelch than a crunch.

Julie is a bit of an enigma.  That's my polite way of saying she's a worn out old bitch.  Got to give her credit though as she's got them all fooled in there.  That's not really difficult though with the male housemates making a good argument against the theory of evolution.  If we'd relied on this lot then the human race would have died out many millennia ago.

I do enjoy the Evil Queen's bitchy chats with Julian but I guess that makes me a bit of a cliché.  Julian does seem a bit like a fish out of water in there but he still manages to come up with some cracking one liners.  The White Swallow Hotel was a particular highlight this week although the thought of getting an enema from Julie Goodyear makes me cough up a bit of sick.

What's to say about Jasmine Lennard?  What a vile and deluded creature.  She looks like the daughter of Skeletor.  The woman claims she can't get a man to stay for breakfast.  I'm not surprised.  Her conquests are probably covered in scratches and bruises in the morning from her bony extremities.  It must be like shagging a coat hanger.  Glad she didn't hang around for too long.

The rest of the housemates are a bit like lip filler at the moment.  Harvey and Ashley just seem to spend their time whipping their tops off and rolling around with each other on the Astro-turf.  Not that I'm complaining.

Thank God Mike's stopped lifting his t-shirt up at every opportunity. He's got the weirdest six pack I've ever seen.  It's like something hanging up in a butcher's window and definitely not giving this dog a bone.

Colleen's obviously not done her homework before she signed up. Was this really a good move for someone who says they don't like being judged or judging others?  Denise could've warned her pal but then she was drunk for most of her stay in the Big Brother house!

I keep forgetting that Martin, Samantha and the Papal Prince are in the house.  I don't mind Lorenzo but he's got one of those preppy haircuts that are popular with the Ralph Lauren, Hampton's set that makes me want to attack him with my hair clippers.  To be honest I'd settle for some Judo in the garden with or without his floppy fringe.

The two girlies are playing the boys at their own game but it's a dangerous line they're walking and they might find the male pack will turn on them when it comes to the crunch........or lack of it!

Get it! Got it! Good!