Game of Drones

OK so let me just say from the get-go that I thought the opening ceremony of the Glasgow Games was amazing.  By London 2012 standards they had a meagre budget but bloody hell did they put on a show.  I was so envious of my colleagues up there on the night but the atmosphere and warmth really came through to this viewer sat in a steamy Croydon semi.

The whole evening was brash, quirky and opinionated.  Just like a Glaswegian.  You can catch two of my favourites on The Janey Godley podcast every week.  Like Janey & Ashley, the opening ceremony was full of Scottish pride, heart and self deprecating humour.  A genuine welcome to the banks of the Clyde.

That said there were some right clangers during the evening.  What sadist set Susan Boyle up for a fall with that dreadful McCartney dirge.  Mull of fucking Kintyre has to be the worst bagpipe anthem ever written and was completely wrong for the Blackburn diva.  As soon as she opened her gob you knew she wasn't happy with this trite shite.  The nerves kicked in and she stumbled over the words and lost her pitch for the rest of the verse.  I bet she was raging back stage and throwing bottles of Irn Bru at her entourage. Her Maj and Phil must have thought they'd got a turn from the Maryhill TA Social Club.  This wasn't the dream Subo dreamed.  It was a palm sweating nightmare.

John Barrowman wasn't much better.  All contrived accent and mincing around with some Tunnock's tea cakes.  Why couldn't we have had Lulu or Sheena Easton or even the bloody Krankies?

Rod Stewart did a turn but whilst his raspy delivery used to sound quite sexy in 1978, it's just a croaky old man now who sounds like he needs some Benylin and a packet of Strepsils.

Glasgow didn't need these big yins.  The Flash mob in George Square was the highlight for me.  Just real people, on the streets, having a good time.  Oh and the little Scottie dogs leading the athletes into the stadium was inspired.  G'on yersel Glasgeh!

After losing 3 housemates last week the Big Brother house was a bit shaken.  Pav and Zoe tried to settle in while Steven had a bit of a Britney Spears meltdown after the loss of his 'poor cow'.  His game plan was scuppered so he painted his face, waxed his pubes and shaved all his hair off to keep the focus on him. His needy lust was transferred to a stuffed robot.  Now there's irony for you.  He thought he looked the bees knees in his blue task trackies but it was more Bulgarian wrestling coach than street chic.  Steven Goode proves that money can't buy you style.  He's just a massive bell-end with a fat wallet.

The Power returned to the house with Ashleigh, Chris and Mark calling the shots.  Bianca, Matthew and Danielle planted some bitter seeds of doubt about Pav & Zoe but they were always safe as we now had our opportunity to evict selfish Steve. I suspect Pav won't last past next Friday.  He's just plain dull.  I'd rather watch Lauren Goodger's sex video.

Good games in Borehamwood this week as the housemates showed of their vocal talents in a sing-off that had my cringe glands swelling up again.  Maybe Subo, Rod & Captain Jack weren't that bad after all.

Thank goodness Mark got some negative crowd reaction this week.  He's so up himself and condescending.  I'm tired of his hissy fits and attention seeking now.  It's a pity he can't see his crumbling support in his own tea leaves.

Helen and Ash crossed a line this week and had something more than a friendly spoon under the duvet.  Helen is clearly besotted with the Mancunian Macho Man but I don't think his Mum needs to be worrying about buying a new hat any time soon.

In other news. Steven is out and Ashleigh brushed her hair.

Oh and Kimberly turned up on BBBOTS looking remarkably fit and healthy but still madly in love with Steven.  She must have a mental illness.

The Three Horsemen of the Apocalypse

So poor old Vince McMahon is in the shit.  The WWE is going down the pan after 30 years of dominating professional wrestling and turning it into a money spinning circus. WWE is the Redneck version of TOWIE, Geordie Shore & The Hills.  It's just a scripted soap opera.  Reality TV for beer swilling hillbillies.  Bring back Big Daddy and Giant Haystacks.

On this side of the pond we had our very own Smackdown playing out in Borehamwood as Marlon paid the price for his cowardly deed.  Ousted in his pants through the back door. Monday Night Raw.  A fitting end to a fairly superfluous housemate.

This is Armageddon week, which in Big Brother World meant that housemates lost their kettle, hair straighteners and jacuzzi.  Mark had a hissy fit and Danielle was outraged at being asked to eat something out of a tin.  Bear Grylls this lot ain't.  The housemates were forced to fight for food in a sewer and build a life raft from garbage.  Danielle was raging again as her team failed to bag enough rotting fish and she sank like a stone on her team's raft.  They should have used her breasts as ballast.  Those Mothers could have raised the Costa Concordia.

Hard times seemed to bring Mark and Christmas closer and after a couple of shandies they had a bit of a moment behind the rice and lentils.  I doubt it will last.  Christopher is already shocked by how much time Mark can spend talking about eyebrows.  His conversation is about as stimulating as watching test cricket.

To make the end of the world even less enjoyable Big Brother threw in some new housemates.  Three cats amongst the tatty old pigeons.  Now Essex gets a lot of stick for it's shallow culture but they plumbed new depths with Biannca.  All thick hair, thick fake tan, thick white teeth and a thick waist.  Just thick really. More JJ's Basildon than Sugar Hut. Within minutes she'd got her boobs out, threatened to sit on Winston's cock and ride him into the rubble.  This apparently is called banter these days amongst the Magaluf set.  Little wonder that men are losing respect for women and confused about their role.

Pav is also from Essex but comes over as a power mad nerd.  Like someone who plays World of Warcraft and knows how to sideload Android applications onto their Google Nexus.  Small and shifty.  This boy is out to win and take down anyone who stands in his way.

OMFG it's only Zoe Birkett off of Pop Idol!  This woman is more of a celebrity than some ex-CBB housemates.  What on earth is she doing on here?  Did she get her dates mixed up and arrive too early?  Zoe hasn't changed since she was beaten in to 4th place by Will, Gareth & Darius 12 years ago.  Shame about her choice of kecks though.  She looked like she was wearing two rolls of Linda Barker wallpaper.

The inevitable paranoia set in and worst hit was Danielle.  Her prim and proper persona was about to unravel as Biannca went for the jugular and revealed her secret lifestyle to the house.  Danielle's cover was blown and no amount of tears and back-peddling could convince her housemates that she's not used to prancing around in her undies showing her lady off.

As the squalor continued we also had the ongoing squalid romance of Steven and Kimberly. Steven was determined to interrogate the newbies to find out why the public hate him and when he found out it was due to his controlling personality and shagging Kim he blamed her again for making him look bad.  His constant badgering drove her to tears which of course made him even more angry as she was making him look like a dick.  I didn't think I could detest a housemate more than BB5's Jason Cowan but I was wrong. Kim also discovered that Steven had said that he'd shag someone in the house to help him win the 100 grand.

Kimberly conveniently acquired a mystery illness and disappeared up the stairs like Tracy Barlow Mk 2.  Will she re-appear with a new face and a personality?  For her sake I hope she leaves the country before 'sensitive' Steven is evicted.  

Steven didn't seem remotely bothered about Kim's departure.  The words that fell from his mouth were completely at odds with his body language.  In fact he was more concerned that her  illness was adding to his stress about his eviction night.  He did ask Big Brother to tell Kim that he loves her very very much as tore into a sandwich and a spray of spit and ham hit the Diary Room camera.  2 Second Steve took more time savouring his snack than he did pleasuring his bed partner.  

After 4 days of acting like a slut bucket it was Biannca that felt the wrath of the viewers and out she went with her bra round her neck and the crowd booing her breasts.  I'm sure it won't be the last we hear of her.  The Daily Star were probably on the phone Friday night.

So with no Kim, and Pav having the hots for Ashleigh, the newbies eviction choice was Danielle and her dual personalities.  They both left the house in a hideous purple slit dress that looked like a Shirley Bassey costume from a fancy dress shop.

With Armageddon over and Danielle cast into hell, she'll have plenty of time to consider what went wrong and how her own Book of Revelations ended her Big Brother experience.

p.s. Does anyone know where I can get a Designer Penis?  I can't find one on the Ralph Lauren website.

Fatal Attraction

I love you Big Brother.  I really love you.  I will never leave you.  I'm pissed off with you but I love you.  I will be with you forever.  Tell me you will never leave me.  Promise me you will be with me always!  I can't live without you.

It seems like an age since Terrible Toya was shown the door for being a complete bitch.  Let me tell you Toya.  You may have a law degree but a tabloid career in Nigeria and a bad attitude doesn't give you the right to look down your big nostrils at the other housemates.  Simply delusional with a massive chip potato wedge on her shoulder.  If she took her own advice she might be a nicer person.  Just calm the fuck down!

Toya's legacy was to split the house even more and isolate Ashleigh and Danielle.  Danielle was accused of flip flopping.  I think that was a euphemism for something she does on her web-cam show.  The surly pair retreated to the bedroom and concocted an evil plan to get Ash out of the house.  Ashleigh was dead chuffed with herself as she twiddled with her teddy.  Has she never watched the show before?  Pride comes before a fall and her master plan went tits up.

Ash survived the plotting and next to get the chop was Matthew and his hairy shoulders. I was surprised that he fell so soon as he was the only person to stand up to Helen and not wilt under the torrent of abuse.  Maybe it was those cheap vests and the bushy deltoids that put the public off?  He was a bit morose and static though.  The most animated thing about him was his jumpy eyebrows.  They were like two slugs on a trampoline as he anxiously awaited his fate.

In the aftermath, the coupling started in earnest.  Ash and Helen flirted like a couple on a Blackpool Stags & Hens weekend.  All talk and no action. More Chemistry than Biology & Physics.

However Danielle was on heat.  These Catholic girls are the worst.  A couple of hail Mary's and a chat in the confession box and God will forgive any fleshy sins.  After a couple of lager and limes she was purring and stretching over the kitchen worktop in an attempt to excite a bemused Winston.  Luckily for Danielle it was clear that Winston wasn't attracted to this pussy so she won't be needing Big Brother to get her a priest any time soon. Winston pissing on her passion was awkward but by no means the most gut churning match up in the house.

Steven & Kimberly.  Oh God where do I start?  Steven Goode is bad!  A dreadful, controlling man whose wooing techniques amount to gripping his girl in a headlock and making her feel bad about herself.  Steven was voted the biggest gentleman in the house by the rest of the gang.  This makes me sad that none of them can see what a domineering and selfish creep he actually is.  He's a master manipulator.  When he cried on Pauline's breasts after being up for eviction in week two, everyone was sucked in by his niceness.  Since then he's worn Kimberly down by his constant attacks on her character whilst smothering her with his 'love' and clammy clutches.  There's nothing cuddly or romantic about his physicality with her. Kimberly started the series as what appeared to be a strong, independent woman but he's broken her down to the point where he can demand that she 'Opens it' in bed.  She obeys silently.  Uncomfortable viewing and something I'm sure will hit a nerve with a lot of UK women.  Whilst coercing her into planning their marriage and a life together he started to destroy any links to her life before Big Brother.  He told her in no uncertain terms that she must never, ever speak to her ex boyfriend again.  He then cajoled her into destroying a couple of Polaroids of his rival from her personal scrapbook and once again she submitted and apologised for making him feel angry.  Her reward for her obedience was to lie back and think of England while he rolled on top of her and emptied his scrotum in her for about 20 seconds.  Seems like he can't control where it counts. There was nothing about love in this selfish act.  It was a quick wank without the any wrist effort.  A gentleman?  Gentlemen don't finger and shag someone they profess to love on national TV.  I'm not saying Kimberly is blameless but I've seen so many women & men like her crumble under the powerful assault of an insecure, controlling man.  Hopefully his days are numbered and she'll come to her senses.

Another insecure, spoilt brat showed his true colours this week as Marlon saved his own skin in the shopping task and avoided eviction.  He decided that betraying his friends and losing the food budget was a great idea.  It may have postponed the inevitable but his cowardice has turned the whole house against him and given everyone a good reason to nominate him next week.  I'll be glad to see the back of that Bianca Jackson silver jacket and ill-fitting baseball cap.  He won't be missed.  In fact his act of betrayal is about the only thing of significance that he's done in a month.  Don't worry mate.  There's gonna be a queue of 'talent' waiting to give you a hand job in the toilets of Yate's in Croydon when you get out.

Someone who will be missed is Slugsworth.  Sorry I mean Jale.  I really liked Jale but, like the movie Mean Girls, she got sucked into Helen's court and went from good egg to bad seed recently and now I'm not sure which was the real Jale.  I had a feeling that the viewers would be thinking the same as me but during her interview with Emma we saw the old Jale who was just a down to earth bird who was out to enjoy the Big Brother experience.  We'll miss ya maggot.

Armageddon next week.  Can't wait for Monday.  Let's hope one of the new housemates is Kimberly's ex and she gets a more satisfying shag :-)

I wanna know what porn is...

So the England World Cup campaign fizzled out again with the worst performance in years.  An unsurprising let down from a bunch of overpaid egos.  It's a sad reflection of the game today that Harry Redknapp revealed that a lot of players will do anything to get out of playing for their country.  Happy to stay at home counting their obscene wage packets rather than risk being shown up on an international stage with 3 lions on their shirts.  There doesn't seem to be any pride or passion about playing for your country anymore.  International caps used to be a badge of honour but today it's all about earning power and image and why would you bother to expose yourself in the World Cup and run the risk of being rumbled.

England's new sponsors

Part of England's downfall can be laid on the shoulders of Luis Suarez.  The toothy Uruguayan striker's 2 goals sealed their fate early on.  Just to rub salt into the hand that feeds him he declared that his goals were sweet revenge for the criticism he's received in England.  That would the criticism for racial abuse and biting other players.  See this is what happens when you pay numb skulls lots of money and idolise them like Gods.

Talking of numb skulls......what another great week in the Big Brother House.

The new Power Housemate was Chris, the droll Ewok.  His secret task was to nominate the housemates for eviction and he went straight for the jugular and picked the juggernaut.  The whole house was appalled that Pol was up.  Of course Pauline knew it would be her and blamed Jale for her fate.  Self awareness isn't a skill that Mother has amongst her talents.

Next up was Slimy Steven.  Within minutes, the tough businessman was inconsolable and sobbing into Mummy's breasts.  Palpable paranoia set in and the housemates spent most of the week obsessed with the secret and horrified that someone within their midst could be so evil.  Did they all forget they were on Big Brother and nominations are just a part of the game?

The irony being that not one of them thought bad of Pauline for her killer nomination that put Jale up every week.  Nobody batted an eyelid that hapless Christopher was up but they were incensed that their Mom and her baby boy were nominated.

Ash and Marlon also felt the hand of Chris which was a bit of a surprise, as neither had really done much in the house until they perved over the girls doing their morning stretches.  Ash was gutted that there's no sluts in the house but Marlon said that, in his world, all women were sluts.  You can't condemn him.  His weekends are spent at Tiger Tiger in Croydon.

Marlon and his 'hench' man Winston have been bonding on the grass.  Doing that gym bromance thing that looks like out-takes from the Gay Joy of Sex book.  I'm still loving Winston.  He's like a reem Forest Gump in the body of an 1980s wrestler.  The housemates also have him down as a simpleton as they reacted with venom to Kim sharing the communal shower with him after the farm task.  Two young people in their swimwear having a nice chat was turned into some sordid sexual encounter by the house Mean Girls.  Head harridan Helen was the main instigator.  This moralistic bashing came from an ex-whore who sold her body for sex with a famous married man.  Winston just giggled and Kimberly rose above the fractious finger pointing.

It was so great to hear Marcus Bentley talking about the chickens during the shopping tasks.  Brought back memories of Darren and Marjorie from the very first Big Brother.  God was that really 14 years ago!

Demure Danielle continued to disappear into the background after her fire and brimstone rants from week 1.  I'm still not buying this act and my suspicions were confirmed this week when she asked her fellow housemates what porn was.  She shrieked and screwed up her nose at the explanation that followed and feigned bemusement at such things.  She's not fooling me.  I bet she's had many a Slick Biscuit and not adverse to a Boston George!

Pauline's exit on Friday didn't come as a surprise.  Even she wasn't Shocked [sic].  What followed was an epic display of arrogance and blame-shifting.  Emma and Rylan were clearly niggled by her complete lack of humility and refusal to answer a question directly.  Nobody will miss this grouchy granny apart from that silly woman on BBOTs who said 'It's a shame.  It's a black thing'.  Yes she actually said that.  A bit like Louis Walsh putting through Irish singers on X Factor.

Before Pauline's seat on the sofa had time to cool down the next Power Housemate was announced.  Hopefully they would choose someone who would restore some calm and fun to the house.  Like hell they would.  They only went and voted for Toya!  That's like replacing Grandma with the Big Bad Wolf. That girl is so ratchet.

It's gonna get bare butters :-)

I'm a lady

I need an exorcist!  I think my mouse is possessed by an evil entity.  On Friday it sent a work email to the wrong people.  Thanks God there wasn't anything contentious in there but it was almost as embarrassing as the time I pressed 'Reply All' by mistake and sent a torrent of abuse straight back to the target of my wrath.  I was about to put this down to my inability to multi-task when my online order from Sainsburys was delivered. As I emptied the orange bags I found two of nearly everything on my list.   Whilst I was dialling their Customer Service I discovered a stream of double-clicks in my trolley and my mouse had vanished.  I spotted it two hours later in the dog's bed. On Friday evening as I watched Big Brother I was making notes on here and the cursor was going crazy.  It was as jumpy as Ed Milliband's PR team after they told him that The Sun newspaper photo opportunity was a good idea. There goes the Scouse vote.  So the mouse batteries were removed and I went back to old school USB.  I'm sure I saw it move on it's own later but that might have been down to the bottle of Jacob's Creek.

What a week it's been on Big Brother.  Usually it takes a week or so for the masks to drop and the paranoia to set in.  This lot have dived straight in and it's been kicking off like an East Croydon illegal rave.

Lady Danielle was the first to lose her marbles.  The refined Scot spat her disdain at the immoral inmates at every opportunity.  Like Glasgow's answer to Moses she stormed around the house throwing her stone tablets at the unbelievers and predicted a day of reckoning for the Whore of Babylon (Helen) and her cohorts.

A lively conversation about Toya's fanny spray tipped Danielle over the edge and The Beast was awoken.  Danielle tuned into Linda Blair and let rip a volley of four letter abuse at her nemesis.  Helen rose to the challenge and they were at it like an audition for the Jeremy Kyle Show. I didn't learn that sort of language at my Sunday School.  While Jesus was carrying his cross up the hill I'm sure he didn't call the baying crowds 'F****ng Tw*ts'. Like the good Catholic girl she is - Danielle decided to ask God for his forgiveness for her behaviour and next day everything was fine.  Lady Danielle was absolved of her sins and she turned into a completely different person.  Overnight she became friendly and tolerant and faded into the background.  You'd almost think it was a game plan.  Oh and I'm not sure I understand why Toya uses feminine spray anyway.  I thought a vagina was like a self cleaning oven.

Pauline also had a major personality switch.  The public's favourite on launch night was granted The Power and boy did she accept the mantle.  Like Joan Crawford in Mommie Dearest she's ruling the house with a metal coat hanger and woe betide anyone who crosses her.  A vicious, smiling assassin who has somehow managed to recruit a group of adoring disciples and split the house.  It was a tactic that appeared to be working until she turned on Jale and Christopher with such OTT venom over minor meal time transgressions.  Some housemates became more scared of her but the cracks are showing.  After they heard the crowd chants on Friday there's a lot of damage limitation at work now.  Only Sappy Steven and Horrible Helen still seem completely on-side.

It wasn't all Mean Girls this week.  Winston and Tamara struck up a cosy friendship.  She said on her VT that she likes men who are good looking and stupid.  KERCHING!!! Flash Gordon and Dale Arden flirted all week and went on a date that ended up with some inevitable tongue action.  Could this save Tamara from an early exit?  Mystic Mark didn't think so.  He saw her exit in the Tarot cards. For a moment we thought he might really have psychic powers.  Then he did a tea leaf reading and spotted an Afro hairstyle so predicted that Marlon was the new Power Housemate.  About as psychic and Derek Acorah.

Tamara was evicted and Flash......sorry.....Winston had a wee cry in the Diary Room.  Probably thinking he'd blown his chance of a big summer romance in the Big Brother House and will need to find some other way to raise his profile.  Schoolboy error to latch onto one girl in the first week.  Ask Lee Ryan.

True to form it was the females who created the most dramas from the start while the boys sat around in the sunshine topping up their tans watching the bitches claw each others eyes out.  You could almost hear David Attenborough's commentary.

Pitbull n Boots

So before I discuss this week's Big Brother scandals and traumas I can't let the other big TV event go without a mention.  The World Cup kicked off in Brasil on Thursday but sadly the opening night was hosted by ITV and the dreadful Adrian Chiles.  The man is a buffoon and I have no idea how he manages to remain as anchor to ITV's football coverage.

His pre-match conversation was focused on talking about the empty beach and ass licking his 2 Euro legend colleagues.  A real coup to get Vieira and Cannavaro but someone forgot that with 3 thick accents on the panel, the banter wasn't going to flow.  It was like some Brit abroad trying to ingratiate himself with the local waiters.  They were confused.  We were confused and poor Lee Dixon on the end wasn't sure why he was there.

Outside we had Ian Wright.  His opening question to a deserted beach was 'I wonder why it's called Sugar Loaf Mountain?'  Seriously mate.  That was the best line you could come up with.  4 years to prep and you actually said that.  Next he hugged a German surfer but the questions didn't get any better 'So you reckon you have a good shot?'  Things can only get better....right?  Wrong!

The opening ceremony started with a half empty stadium.  It looked like the stewards were filling up seats with staff and shifting them around to make the place look busy.  The Brazilians must have known it was gonna be a shocker and decided to give it a wide berth until the match started.  Two words spring to mind.  Cheap & Nasty.  Was Katie Price their Artistic Director?  The anti-climax started with some old Brazilian pop princess in a sparkly leotard and blue ankle socks.  Then they brought out the big guns. Pitbull and J-Lo.  Well I say they brought them out but the stage lift broke down so they had to clamber out of a big hole before the vocals on the backing track kicked in.

Jen checked for snags on her tights, straightened her poison ivy minge strap and flashed a smile.  After a couple of Ola Olas it dawned on everyone that the sound had been turned down and the Latino Superstars were being drowned out by the crowd noise.  They carried on bravely but you could tell that J-Lo wasn't happy.  Love don't cost a thing but it's worth forking out for a good sound engineer.  The President of the International Olympic Committee must have been crying into his Beck's at this point.

ITV then cut to an ad break and never bothered to go back.  Just as I was starting to love the shambolic mess, they brought back Adrian Chiles.  He filled time with his inane and pointless chatter about it getting dark outside and more fawning over Vieira and Cannavaro. Not sure if it was his Brummy accent or the banal questions but Patrick & Fabio seemed to be answering completely different questions.  Lee Dixon was just happy to make up the numbers and who can blame him.

I guess ITV know that the Beeb will thrash them and this car crash just filled in time between the adverts. The beautiful game turned into an ugly mess.

Finally the football started and I switched over to Big Brother.

No Flowers of Scotland

No.  I'm not talking about the Scottish independence vote. That's far too serious and worrying to be covered in this irreverent nonsense.  The fate of my beloved homeland will no doubt be decided by a load of people who have no clue about the economical and social implications and treat it as though they're voting for an X Factor winner. I'm still undecided and will probably not really grasp the gravity of my choice on the day.  There are some things that really shouldn't be left to chance when lives and a nation's future are at stake. A public that voted for Jim Davidson to win Celebrity Big Brother have no right to decide on Scotland's journey.  That's not democracy, it's a travesty.

No.  I'm talking about the how the producers on Big Brother seem unable to find a remotely personable housemate from a land that is full of friendly, funny folk with passion and big hearts.  Every year we have wonderful Welsh characters, gregarious Geordies and cheeky Cockneys.  So why do we always have to suffer dour Scottish housemates who are about as likable as Chlamydia.  Sandy, Lynn, Federico, Jason, Shahbaz, Mikey, Dennis and now Danielle.  More on her later.  Come on BB. Gi's a brek! Try and find us someone we can feel proud of and more representative of a warm and passionate people.

So on to launch night 2 and the promise of a game-changing twist.  I had a horrible feeling that Emma might be over-selling this historical revelation.

OK so first out of the eye on Friday was Toya without an H.  She's a video blogger whose uploads appear to be attacks on her old boyfriends.  Don't scorn this woman unless you want to find your best Calvin's on eBay and your inability to find a clitoris being shared on You Tube.  Not quite sure why she was wearing a pink cupcake.

Could it be a hot Beckham look-a-like next.  No.  It's Samwise Gamgee off Lord of the Rings.  Chris is a miserable out of work actor who's polite and hates teamwork.  He'll fit in a treat.

Subtitle time.  Nor'n Ir'n veggie Ashleigh is another model but no business acumen suggested here.  She works in a clothes shop and re-homes cats on a Derry council estate. Pretty girl but what the hell was she wearing on her feet?  Her shoes looked like the topping off Toya's cupcake.

Ash sauntered down the runway next showing off his catwalk skills and trousers at half mast.  He's a tall lad so maybe the shop had run out of 34" inside leg.  A lazy Lothario who women can't say no to.  I can see the appeal but a bit too Miami Nice for my taste.  I bet he turns out to be a shy Mummy's boy.

Marlon is a local lad and one of Croydon's finest.  Values possessions more than love and would rather live a lonely life than suffer the humility of an old car and Barrett's shoes.  At least he doesn't have a contrived urban accent so the jury's out on this one.

The last one in was Jale.  A Turkish delight in a red duvet.  A disruptive call centre worker who has to meditate twice a day to control her aggression.  Intolerant and incapable of sharing her life with other people and hated by most of the human race since her schooldays.  Sounds like she'll be a perfect housemate.

Once all 16 were safely in the house, Emma dropped the bombshell.  All powerful Pauline was given the task of handing one of her housemates a free ticket to the final.  Not exactly the earth shattering news we were expecting and a rubbish 'twist'.  Big Brother is all about nominations and the public voting to save/evict the housemates.  Pauline chose Helen for some obscure reason and now she's basically out of the game and won't have a true Big Brother experience.  I think this is a lame decision and spoils things for Helen and the viewers.  Call me old fashioned.......

Quote of the week goes to Mark who, during the Least/Most task, asked his fellow housemates 'what does obnoxious mean'? He clearly didn't watch back his time on Channel 4's Shipwrecked.

And so to Danielle.  This year's entry for the Worst Scottish Housemate Award.  Despite a shady background in Web Cam Services and lurid press stories, she's spent the last 2 days telling everyone at every opportunity about her Christian morals and lady-like behaviour.  It all got too much for her when the gang dropped a few F-bombs whilst discussing the definition of a loose vagina.  That's a high-brow debate in the Big Brother House don't ya know!  Tears and tantrums followed and to make matters worse she was voted the Most Judgemental by her new housemates.  A manipulative attention seeker with a lack of self awareness.  She'll probably win the bloody thing!