This is a man's world 2...

SPOILER ALERT!

Men are dicks and you women are completely to blame.

Straight, gay and regardless of colour, creed or religion, men are raised to think of themselves as superior beings who have no boundaries and will be forgiven for all crimes and misdemeanours because it's expected and accepted behaviour.  How did this happen and why is it still prevalent throughout what is supposed to be a modern and educated society?

The answer is easy. Women. It starts with Mothers and that influence follows their sons into adult life.  A mother's love is a wonderful thing but throughout a boy's formative years they encourage and promote a view of masculinity that seems so out of kilter in today's world where we talk of sexual equality.

We're taught to be the best at throwing or kicking a ball and admired for having the biggest muscles.  We need the biggest house, the fastest car and the most attractive mate.  We equate popularity with our sexual conquests and the amount of money we earn. All of this ego-feeding stuff bears no relation to how we are as human beings.  Don't get me wrong.  Ambition is a very good thing and everyone should strive to be the best that they can be but why is there still a huge chasm dividing what's acceptable behaviour for a man and woman?

So what's all this got to do with Celebrity Big Brother?  It's got everything to with the show.  People knock Big Brother as low-brow reality TV but it's also our society, values and morals served up within the confines of a load of spray-painted MDF.  It started as a social experiment and for me it's grown over the years into a cultural barometer.

Celebrity Big Brother 2014 has really highlighted that sexual equality is still a myth and men are still behaving badly and still getting away with it because women let them!

Dappy

Why is a man admired for shagging 5 girls on a night out but if a woman did the same she would be vilified as a dirty slag?  The Dapster comes from a traditional Greek background.  They have what is referred to as a Matriarchal society.  You could be forgiven for thinking this sounds very feminist but you'd be so wrong.  This actually means that Mum stays at home doing the cooking and cleaning with the daughters while the sons and husbands are out drinking, shagging and doing a bit of work in between to earn some cash. Greek girls are taught to stay at home with their workhorse Mothers and to just be happy with their lot. So it's not Dappy's fault that he thinks this is okay.  His mother and sisters are to blame for to their complacency.

Lee

A 16 year old boy in a 30 year old man's body.  Someone who's clearly been spoiled and never had anyone say No to him.  Years of endless groupie sessions have eroded his ability to reason that his actions might have a consequence and that his conquests have feelings.  It's all about what makes him happy.    If anyone dares to question his behaviour he throws a tantrum and cries until he gets his own way.  Even better if he manages a cuddle and a kiss from the person he's been hurting.  Mommie Dearest turns up on telly to defend her boy and points a well manicured finger at the two hussies who she thinks are leading her little angel astray. How does a boy raised in a female environment turn out to have so little regard for women? What makes this worse is that there is a wider view that Casey and Jasmine are completely to blame for the whole love triangle situation.  They are being called bunny boiling bitches by some critics and those are mostly of the female gender.  So women are not only raising boys to act like dicks but they're fighting with their sisters rather than calling a dick a dick.

Olly

So here's a thing.  We have a nice young man who doesn't feel the need to be nasty or treat people badly.  That's a good thing.  Right?  Wrong!  The women in the house have a real problem with this and couldn't wait to stick the knife in at the first opportunity.  A man's not supposed to be nice and therefore has to be mocked and bitched about.  Why does honesty have to mean you have to be hurtful?  Why does having an opinion mean you need to make someone feel bad about themselves?  Being nice seems to be so unattractive to women that even Sam Faiers finds Olly as alien as ET.

Jim Davidson

OK so here's a man with a past and I'm not even going to get into that.  The evidence is out there.  Just Google him.  However, apart from a few slip ups over the last two weeks, he's managed to play the game very well.  With years of experience under his belt, the master has played his cards dead right and the women in the house have been pawns on his chess board.  Despite his past and despite his nasty comments to some of the females in the house, he's now the favourite to win the show.  His rise to the top fuelled by nagging women.  Poor old Jim.  Poor misogynistic, racist, homophobic Jim.  Men want to be him and women...well women created him and will be texting furiously to get him the crown on Wednesday.  All of them just aching to do his ironing while he's out playing snooker and having a few pints with the lads.

I love women and men (Oh Yes!) but some of them need a metaphorical slapping.

Little Boy Blue With The Horn

Until he signed up for Celebrity Big Brother, Lee Ryan was known for being the Sporty Spice of Blue.  You know, the one who did the screechy bit at the end of the tracks. He was the blue eyed baby of the group.  The cheeky little brother of his 3 protective siblings.  Maybe something they should have thought about before letting him out on his own.

Ryan was cheered into the Big Brother house but a week later those fans had turned into a baying mob.  Things started well as he spent the first couple of days chained to a small bird with massive breasts.  It looked like the start of a fairytale and the viewers loved their canoodling under the duvet.  It seemed like a very cute Big Brother romance was blossoming. Snow White's Prince had come. What a lucky guy.  He's probably got this series in the bag. What could possibly go wrong?

So whilst he's reeling Casey in with his cheeky chappie charms he suddenly decides he needs an upgrade and starts flirting shamelessly with Jasmine Waltz.  Jasmine reciprocates as she apparently hadn't noticed Lee and Casey were getting close.  So Jas becomes the Wicked Queen which is good because we all love to hate a foreign tart.  It's at this point that Lee decides to bed hop between the two and seems to forget that they are all living under the one roof.

Lee claimed that when he saw Jasmine his heart started fluttering.  More like his dick was twitching. Casey is spurned and Lee runs crying to the Diary Room because he doesn't want to be seen as a player.  Too late mate.  You played her.

A gentleman would have reigned himself in but not our Lee.  He decided to clamp himself to Jasmine's face and dry hump her all over the house while poor Casey looked on like a lost puppy.  Now if this wasn't bad enough he started attacking Casey for making HIM look bad.  The American slapper sneered and bitched about the Page 3 babe to anyone who'd listen.  Two selfish people who deserve each other but the outcome is obviously going to be more Karma than Kamasutra. Never mind.  When Jasmine dumps Lee he can go running back to the big strong arms of Duncan James ;-)

 So that was how Mr Ryan went from hot favourite to rank outsider.  Oh how we clapped and laughed when the BB crowd started chanting 'Get Lee Out!'.  He was crestfallen and cried a bit more before he actually said to Casey 'It's me, not you' as they walked up the stairs to face the mob.  Would he redeem himself when he was given a second chance after the fake eviction?  Did he heck as like.  He just rubbed Casey's nose in it some more and played the victim, in between rubbing himself all over his prize and declaring his love for the LA home wrecker.  At least the other housemates get a bit of respite from her grating voice when she's got Lee stuck to her lips.

Liz Jones should remember that beauty is only skin deep.  She might be a needy and socially inept but she shouldn't feel inferior to a woman whose fame is based on her track record of destroying relationships.  Liz may be right that animals have souls.  I think there's more need for a debate about Jasmine Waltz.

I like strong women but people like Jasmine and Louisa confuse strength with just being a noisy bitch.  I would argue that Louisa is nothing more than a petulant child who makes a lot of noise and stamps her feet and cries if she doesn't get her own way.  I didn't like her on The Apprentice and she's confirmed my low opinion of her in the Big Brother house.  She's a mean girl with a very inflated opinion of herself, a big nose and a very whiney voice.  I'm just being honest Louisa!

At the other extreme we have Sam Faiers.  I keep forgetting she's in the house.  Another example of how dull most of these reality TV 'stars' actually are.  Without a script and constructed storyline they're about as interesting as cat litter.  Even Ollie is starting to resemble very loud wallpaper and the most animated he's been recently was when Big Brother took away his makeup bag.  This was so traumatic for him he said he'd rather eat his own testicles.  I was surprised to hear that he had a pair of balls!

I really can't take much more of Dappy's performing to the cameras.  He's like an anti-social teenager who spends most of his day in his virtual bedroom and crawls out to find some food and annoy the grown ups.  I can't think of one actual conversation that he's managed to sustain since he's been in there. I reckon he only took the job to hide from the bailiffs.

So what of the grown ups?  I can't quite believe that Lionel Blair is my current favourite.  It says a lot about the other housemates when an 82 year old ex-hoofer (yes I said hoofer) is top of my list.  I love that he hates the mean girls.  His feelings for a 'transformed' Jim Davidson are pretty much aligned to my opinion of the nasty comedian.  Jim's been very clever and playing a good game but everyone knows he's a See You Next Tuesday.  Lionel's managed to control his feelings for Jim whereas Linda hasn't done herself any favours by making her battle with him her raison d'étre.

I hope Lionel stays the distance as he's provided the most memorable moments for me this season.  His sex club compere performance was sublime. It made me laugh out loud and sick up in my mouth at the same time. After sitting through another episode of Lee and Jasmine acting like dogs on heat and Louisa shouting at everyone it was so refreshing to see Lionel remove himself to the garden smoking seat and let go a huge rattling fart.  The man's a legend.

SPLASH!

Newsflash! Gemma Collins exits first heat

A Barrel of Monkeys

Well thank Christ Christmas is over!

Two weeks of stuffing our faces and binge drinking in front of the telly with people we avoid like the plague for most of the year.  Once it's all over what do we have?  An empty bank account, low self esteem and an overflowing wheelie bin. God has a lot to answer for.

I've just chucked a wad of cards in the recycling bin and not one of them showed a picture of black skies, horizontal rain and empty bags of Aunt Bessie roast potatoes blowing around the street.

Christmas has become like Reality TV.  It's all fake but we just can't help being drawn into it.  It's now just the bit in between X Factor and Celebrity Big Brother.

OK so Christmas over and a brand new year kicked off with the lovely Emma Willis welcoming us to a very plush and opulent (cheap and tacky) Big Brother House. The new house is like a Gypsy furniture showroom.

So who would I least like to see in this year's house?  The odious Jim Davidson.

And first out of the eye is.......Jim Davidson!  Bugger!  Obviously trying to raise his star profile after a mauling in the press.  He should have had a chat with Michael Barrymore before signing up.  For some reason he turned up on launch night dressed as Dr Who.

Housemate number two was Linda Nolan.  She was big in Japan and is now just...well...big.  She swept along the runway in a red cape and was a dead ringer for camp 70's wrestler Adrian Street. Just Google him and tell me I'm not wrong.

Up next was herb-loving Dappy.  Seriously dude you look like a gay dwarf in your Nan's bathroom curtains.  Apparently he's got a third leg which I assume is a nod to the size of his penis.  Considering he's like Camden's answer to Jimminy Crickett I'm not sure that's much of a compliment.  He's been kicked in the face by a horse recently.  Animals are a good judge of character.

Oh Jeez it's Liz Jones.  A post menopausal mess with a beard who wanted a baby to get a year off work.  She looks crazy, but not in a good way.  Reminds me of Mary the witch from BB6. Dappy looked like he might cry when he was handcuffed to her.

Sam Faiers was next.  Poor girl must have starved herself over the holidays for her OK magazine spread and no doubt there's a fitness DVD lined up.  She looked gorgeous but I bet after a week in there she's gonna look like a bag of spanners.  I hope she's taken in lots of makeup, concealer and false eye lashes.

Her buddy is an LA groupie called Jasmine Waltz.  More of an American Smooth but she looks like good fun so I'll give her a 7 for her first performance.

Lee Ryan's joined the party.  CBB is becoming a cure for bankruptcy.  However I think Lee will be good value.  What's not to like about a guy who likes badgers?  He doesn't think before he speaks.  In fact I don't think he thinks at all but he's easy on the eye.  Cute and dim.  Perfect man really. I think him and Sam would make a good couple.  He's like Joey Essex but with more charm.

However he's paired up with a pair of big tits on a small tap dancer.  I'm not sure big breasts and tap dancing are a good combination.  No idea who she is but she's annoying me already.  Not keen on women who define themselves by the size of their mammies.

Gotta love Ollie.  He just looked so happy to be there.  He sounds like Tom Daley on speed and that's not where the similarity ends ;-)

OMG not Lionel Blair!  Mr Showbiz said he loved young kids which in the current climate wasn't the best opening line.  The look on his face when he was shackled to Ollie was priceless and creepy.   I wouldn't fancy going for a piss with Lionel chained to my left wrist.

Luisa.  The whiney voiced, bisexual bitch off The Apprentice.  Clearly her cupcakes aren't selling like hot cakes. Hopefully she'll be fired first.

And finally The Real Deal. It's only the legend that is Evander Holyfield!  I'm not sure he knew where he was and what he'd signed up for.  He looked dazed and confused and why did Emma ask him if he'd ever been to Borehamwood.  Was that question really on the auto-cue?  Maybe she had brain freeze. When he was being chained to Luisa he looked like he'd rather have Mike Tyson bite his other ear off.  I know how he felt.

So there we have it.  The House of 2014.

A brilliant bunch of misfits and eccentrics and has the potential to be one of the best series ever.

People who moan about Z list celebrities going into the Big Brother House really don't get the brilliance of the show.

Talking of 'brilliance'. Why is Marco Falcone wearing Rylan Clark's teeth on BBBOTS?

Happy New Year x

Summer Nights

Summer's here!  No I'm not talking about the weather as the bloody Gulf Stream's got stuck again and the British Isles are basking in Autumnal grey skies and enduring squally showers and Arctic winds. God must really hate tennis.

Sod the weather. My summer started on Thursday night when the Big Brother house opened it's doors for this year's batch of desperate wannabes.  Like a pack of suicidal Lemmings they rushed eagerly into the house to face an uncertain future.  Falling off life's cliff into a burning hell of obscurity and ridicule. I for one salute them all.  After 13 years I'm still fascinated by this show and love watching the nightly antics and fallout from the safety of my sofa.

The manipulation of the fame hungry and deluded has been turned into an art form by a glut of fake reality shows like TOWIE, Made in Chelsea and Geordie Shore. They all owe their lucrative popularity to the success of Big Brother but none of them will ever match it's longevity.

No Brian Dowling this year. Instead they've promoted the lovely Emma to the main show.  Davina-Lite but that's no bad thing.  All she needs to do is follow the auto-cue and remember she's on Channel 5 and she'll be fine ;-)

First out of the eye was a pair of fat grinning twins like a scruffy Tweedle Dee and Tweedle Dum. They could have made a bit of an effort for their big entrance. Hopefully they'll get a call from Jacamo when they leave the house.
  
Number 2 was Sideboob Sal who clearly didn't have a mirror handy when she got dressed.  Denim hotpants and a couple of strips of lycra is not a good look when you've got legs like Mark Wright and a wobbly labia. Maybe she was smuggling a spare beanie hat in her pants.  I hate her already.

Scary Jemima sashayed along the runway next.  Apparently she's a Sarah Jessica Parker look-a-like. Well she's certainly got the boozer's nose and stringy hair. More Moggy than Cougar.

Next up was a nervous Irish postman who turned out to be this year's big secret.  Wait for it.... He's an actor and will be our People's Puppet.  Could have been a good idea but his acting is on a par with Dev from Corrie and looks like his cover will be blown by the end of the weekend.

A PE teacher and lifesaver!  Things are looking up.  Oh well not that far up. Callum seems to have lost his personality since recording his audition VT.

Hardcore lesbian fish woman. Her words not mine. Just to prove a point she's got a mackerel tattoo on her leg.  Wolfy is a genuine Big Brother fan and I think I love her already.  I'll try not to have too many smelly fish jokes in my blog this year.  Promise.

A cute deaf Welsh boy with an expanding winkie.  I guess if Harry Styles goes solo, Sam would make a fine addition to One Direction.  I bet he sings better too.

Blonde bimbo time. A dental nurse with webbed feet who helps out in her Dad's scrap yard.  I'm sure I've seen her selling bananas down Walford Market.

OMG it's Mr Chow from The Hangover!  What a twat.

OK so day 2 and the next victims are waiting in the wings.

The most spoiled girl in Britain!  This isn't going to go well.  Gina didn't exactly endear herself to the crowd.  I bet she walks in the first 7 days.  Sallie hated her on sight.

Policeman Dan.  A camp copper who looks more TOWIE than The Sweeney. I bet his truncheon is waxed and polished.

Here's the token model and she's well fit.  Beautiful Hazel doesn't have a hope in hell of winning.  Girls will hate her.

What the hell is Ashley Cole doing in there? Has he fallen on hard times since being ditched by the multi-talentless Ms Tweedy. Oh hang on.  It's not him.  It's some boxer bloke called  Daley. Loves him Mum.  Hard upbringing. Humble and polite.  He's really laying on the sob story and it worked.  Biggest cheer of the night.  I quite like him too.

OK so our final treat is a mother and daughter in matching shoes. Charlie and Jackie seem a bit too nice and normal to be on Big Brother.  Drink, drugs, fighting.  That's normal these days.....right?

Day 2 finished with a massive bitch spat at 4am over some missing cleansing wipes. Sallie squeezing out fake tears and an indignant Gina getting a formal warning within hours of entering the house.  That's what I love about Big Brother.  Real people make the show.  There's really no need to stick actors in there to spice it up.

Let's get the Irish puppet out and leave the fireworks to the real housemates.

Hooked already!

I Don't

So the Pope has resigned.  Wonder if he's planning on joining 5ive to replace Jay on the Big Reunion Arena Tour?

The ex-Nazi says he's too old to carry on his role with so many challenges facing the church. Age is not an excuse for ignorance and intolerance. Let's hope the next winner of Pope Idol preaches love, compassion and safe-sex.  The catholic church and their leader have refused to budge on their condemnation of contraception, masturbation and anal sex.  Why?  Because any form of birth control impacts the growth of their church.  Over 20 million of their faithful followers in Africa are living with AIDS and over 1 million die every year. The Pope's power over these people could put an end to this tragedy and also stop female circumcision and gay Africans being murdered.  Turning a blind eye to this genocide and barbaric cruelty is surely a sin of epic proportions.  Isn't it?

Despite my personal view of organised religion I have to admit that when it comes to gay marriage I'm sitting on their side of the fence but not for the same reasons.  They spout a load of crap about marriage being all about the procreation of children.  They quote the writings of ancient story tellers who claim to have been personally given the word of their God via a burning bush, a thunderous voice up a mountain or from a fit bloke with white wings.  Seriously?  Now this might have worked in ancient times with a load of dim witted, primitive goat farmers but it just doesn't wash with anyone with half a modern brain.  Sure it's a great story but then so is The Little Mermaid.

If I came back from a hike up Ben Nevis claiming to have the word of God on my Android Tablet people would just think I'd had a few too many cans of Special Brew last night or shove me on Jeremy Kyle for a drugs test.

So what do I think of gay marriage?  Well I could take it or leave it if I'm honest.  Why would I want to walk down a church aisle with my beloved when clearly the landlord doesn't want me there and he thinks I'm an abomination?  It's like an unemployed Rangers striker going for a try out for Glasgow Celtic.  I'm all for equal rights but sometimes just because you can do something doesn't mean you should.  The thought of standing at a church alter with a reluctant priest smiling at me through gritted teeth is like the Queen giving Margaret Thatcher a life peerage.

I'd much rather have a Civil Partnership ceremony with my close friends and family at Blackpool Pleasure Beach and pushing the mother in law on The Big One.  So much more personal and without feeling like the service was just lip service. A blessing from a smiley lady vicar in Harry Ramsden's over cod n chips would be so much nicer than your mates mumbling along to Jerusalem or some old Auntie, with a smoker's cough, wheezing though The Lords Prayer.

So don't expect to see me sweating at an alter any time soon.  I'm sure God is a good God and will love me wherever I decide to tie the knot.  I'm convinced he/she will be happy for me even if my bride is a carpet fitter called Dean, as long as we're decent human beings. That's what's important, isn't it?

I don't feel inclined to join the the hoards of hypocrites who wed in a church to get pretty photographs.  Most of them these days haven't stepped into a church since they were baptised and unlikely to be back until they're in a big wooden box.

Whatever floats your boat though but let's not pretend that church weddings are all about faith and religion. Modern weddings are about a display of wealth and taste and feed a massive industry. If the church want to reclaim their faithful then maybe they should start listening to the people.

I think Simon Cowell should run the next Pope vote.  Let the people decide their winner by text and donate 50% of the network charges to send condoms to Africa.

Anti-Social Media

Ten years ago, almost to day, I was going through a very dark time in my life.  They say bad things come in threes and in 2003 it was my turn to try and and cope with a trio of blows that would test my inner strength to the max. Unable to cope with the real world, I stumbled across a community of more lost souls who spent their time reaching out for attention on strange internet forums.

These places were full of bored housewives, would-be sexual predators with erectile dysfunctions, psychotic teenagers and the clinically depressed .  All of them displaying acute symptoms of low self esteem and an overwhelming need to be popular.  We were all a bit odd and escaped real life into this Matrix-like world to laugh, bitch and argue with a bunch of unseen, online friends and enemies.  Unable to cope with the isolation of our lives, these places gave us a sense of belonging.  A place where you could hide your pain behind a keyboard.  This wasn't always a pleasant experience.  Some used the power of anonymity to unleash their pent up anger and frustrations on the weaker members of the pack.  Lonely and powerless in their own lives they got their kicks from online bullying.

Everyone had a role to play in our Sims Town and mine was to be the smutty gay boy with an innuendo for every occasion and a bag of bitchy quips.  Some things never change!

There were lots of lovely people on the forums and I still hear from some of them now.  They made me laugh through some sad times and I will always be grateful for that.

These social outcasts became my world and in the process I lost the ability to have normal relationships and communicate without my laptop.  It was my drug of choice, more powerful than crack cocaine and just as psychologically damaging.  I was almost lost to my friends and family.  Everyone worried about my obsession with this unreal reality.

Looking back on that time I can now see why people were so concerned about my habit and the powerful hold it had over me.  It was a damaging and anti-social existence that overtook my life and pushed me to the fringes of society.

So here's the thing.  How did that unsocial life suddenly transform into Social Media in the last few years? The world that laughed at those strange forum freaks is now gripped by the smart phone drug and sharing their lives with strangers across the five continents.  The number of followers and 'likes' you have has become a way of defining your popularity and a big post count is seen as a worthy achievement.

What the hell changed?  Has the whole world become depressed and needy?

Don't get me wrong.  I still get a kick out of being silly on Facebook and Twitter and enjoy a bit of friendly banter and bitching on those sites.  I've even been known to post pictures of my lunch and tell the world that I've just sneezed a mouthful of curry over my laptop. Old habits die hard.

I'm just intrigued as to how my online illness became a socially acceptable lifestyle for millions?  My secret addiction is now as common as a cold.  A plague whose symptoms are now seen in all walks of life and in public too.  Millions of people are unable to function without  telling the world that their bus is late or the sky is a bit cloudy.  You can't enjoy a night out with your mates now without your smart phone so you can post a picture of a pint of lager.  It's almost never a great night unless you can prove it on Facebook with  a shot of you and your mates mugging at the camera with red eye and sick down your shirt.

Most people can't keep a conversation flowing through dinner now and have to fiddle with their phone to see if anyone has re-Tweeted their post or Liked a comment.  In our local curry house last night the diners seemed more interested in their iPhones than their human companions.  The table next to us were even tweeting each other during the meal and then commenting on each others tweets.  What's that all about?

Don't even get me started on the sport spoilers!  Not content to leak the football scores to people who would rather wait to watch the match on their TiVo box later they also insist on describing every bloody kick of the ball for the entire 90 minutes.  We hate football pundits on the TV so why do they think we'd enjoy their dull commentary?

There are some diamonds in the rough though.  The social media explosion has exposed the rich and famous.   Celebrities who would normally be protected by PR and media training are now let loose and showing their true colours.  High profile Twitter users like Rihanna, Chris Brown and Katie Price proving that not all publicity is good publicity.  Posting a photo of you smoking a joint in your knickers isn't big or clever. You'd never get really talented stars arguing with doped up teenagers on social media sites but it does make for good reading so please don't take their smart phones away :-)  I wonder what the world would be like now if Jesus had been on Twitter?  Imagine Hitler's Facebook page.

Now that so many people have succumbed to the virus it's a gold rush for marketing and advertising.  There's a captive audience out there.  Millions of abusers checking their timelines every 6 minutes and eagerly devouring every App that's thrown at them.  I'm ashamed to admit that I have 183 apps on my iPhone and get a buzz every time one of them sends me a notification. It's now big business for Big Business.  Even customer support is becoming something that you do via a handset than actually talking to a human being.  If I have a problem I can just tweet about it and within a few minutes I'll get a reply from @facelesshelper #sorted

Those of you who know me will know that I love social media and I'm still an addict.  I'm guilty of most of the above and I won't apologise for it.  Maybe I'm just peeved that my social disease is so widespread now.  How am I supposed to have any chance of  recovery now that people are too busy checking their friend count and sorting their Facebook albums to talk to me?

If you Like this blog on Facebook or give me a RT then maybe, just maybe, I'll start to feel loved again and you can help me rebuild my self esteem ;-)