A Grim Fairy Tale

BEWARE!

Be prepared for very offensive language and adult themes from the start and throughout.

That's this year's Channel 5 warning at the start of Celebrity Big Brother and the same goes for this blog with the prospect of 3 weeks of Katie Fucking Hopkins and a bedroom full of tattooed tits and muscles.

I was gonna say Happy New Year but 2015 hasn't got off to a great start.  A convicted rapist is getting offers of a big pay packet to kick a ball around for the pleasure of some knuckle dragging misogynists.  Cult loons are on the loose in Paris, murdering cartoonists.  Steve McDonald has clinical depression and Cain Dingle's got an aneurysm. James Cordon is singing again and worst of all........Katie Hopkins is in the Celebrity Big Brother House!

Can I pass on that one for now!  I've got too much to say about that stupid woman for this blog.  I'll save that for later if you don't mind.

The first 'real' housemate out of the eye was Patsy Kensit in a wrestler's cape and swearing like a trooper.  I like Patsy.  She looks like an angel but I bet she's a filthy minx.  Dead cert that she didn't use rubber gloves and Cillit Bang to give Liam Gallagher a blow job.  

Next in was Perez Hilton. The social media queen is clearly suffering from withdrawal from his iPhone.  Over active. Over bearing. Over by week 2. 

Reg Holdsworth!  He was one of my teachers at secondary school in Edinburgh.  Mr Morley was a great teacher and loved by everyone.  Quite an achievement when your dealing with a load of spotty Jocks with raging hormones who would rather be smoking Embassy Regal by the Waltzers at The Gyle Fair with skinny birds in pencil skirts.

Cami Li is apparently a tattoo model. Is that even a thing?  I'd love to be a School Careers Officer these days. Ken was keen on her body art.  It was like watching him leering at Raquel over the fish fingers at Bettabuys.

Calum Best. Tabloid hunk. His claim to fame is being the spawn of an alcoholic football player and shagging Lindsay Lohan during her chemical years.  He's got form so could do well.

Alicia Duvall was next. 350 cosmetic procedures to look like a goldfish at a Halloween party.  She claims that her whole face was removed and replaced.  Shame they put it back inside out.

Alexander O'Neal??? Wonder which celebrity chickened out? What happened to the sharp suits man? He looks more like a Nigerian mini cab driver these days in a baggy two piece and over-sized comfy shoes from the Sunday Mail supplement.  Don't mean to Criticize but If You Were Here Tonight I'd have burnt that suit and chucked the shoes in Asda's recycling skip. Hopefully we'll love him by Saturday.

Nadia Sawalha. This years loose woman and a master chef.  Could go the distance without having to get her baps out in the jacuzzi. 

Hobie from Baywatch. Jeremy Jackson is almost as deranged as his TV Dad, The Hoff.  All mad eyes and sinewy body like a young Steven Tyler in a Rita Fairclough fun fur.

Kavana is the annoying porky popster who had a meltdown on The Big Reunion due to feeling inferior to Gareth Gates and Adam Rickitt.  Doesn't bode well......does it.

Drag Hag Michelle Visage is my favourite so far. Letting her gut out as soon as she got through the door.  A woman after my own heart. One to watch.

Chloe who? So someone else not turned up then?

Last one in was the legend that is Keith 'Cheggers' Chegwin!  I wonder if he was rat arsed every Saturday morning on Swap Shop.  He was always a tad over excited and bog eyed as I remember.  The thought of him banging Maggie Philbin was more disturbing than John Craven's jumpers.

A brilliant cast (with one exception).  Let's hope this fairy tale has a happy ending and the Wicked Queen doesn't make it to the final page.

Oh and before I forget.  If Ched Evans is really looking for employment they're advertising for shelf stackers in Lidls in Croydon.  Just saying....

The Circle of Strife

The world is hurting right now.  The Ebola virus is spreading. Brainwashed primitives are beheading innocent people in the name of their religion, disrupting peace amongst their fellow Arabs and threatening to attack the UK.  Russia's power mad dictator is driving Europe into crisis and the world has failed children in South Yorkshire and innocent civilians in Gaza.  So what are the top trending news articles this week in the UK?  Someone sabotaged an Arctic Roll on The Great British Bake Off and James Argent off TOWIE went 'missing' for 4 hours on Friday night.  Yes folks.  These are the burning issues that matter to our nation.  The injustice of a half melted dessert and a chubby bloke from Essex, in a shell suit, getting lost on the way to Stanstead airport. Reality TV has become our reality as we bury our heads in celebrity gossip, footballer's lifestyles and Kim Kardashian's wobbly bits.

I'm just as guilty and, like Nero fiddling while Rome burned, I've been glued to Channel 5 every night for 2 hours. This Celebrity Big Brother has been more harrowing than watching baby antelopes being slaughtered on the Serengeti plains.  It's survival of the fittest in there and I think we need the soothing tones of David Attenborough to help us through the traumatic scenes unfolding in Borehamwood amongst the pink duvets.  A pride of lions are feasting on the freaks and the feeble.

The Predators

James Jordan

King of the jungle who's in touch with his feminine side. Years of hip action and arm extensions have given him an affected mince that's at odds with his Alpha swagger and bulging biceps.  James in his micro-shorts is a telly treat but he needs to reign in the bitching and patronising comments if he's going to survive the distance.  His cold blue eyes and aggressive body language reveal his true feelings of contempt despite his attempts to appear caring and concerned.

Audley Harrison

Faded boxing champ who wants so much to be the leader of the pack but sits on the sidelines with a sneer, contemplating his fall from Olympic hero to support punchbag.  After refusing to share a foot bath with Kellie this week I think he's blown his chances of a comeback fight.  TKO.



Stephanie Pratt

Cute and playful but would slit your throat open without blinking a Lauren Goodger false eyelash. She's toying with a bemused George like a cat with a paralysed frog.  I love George but he strikes me as a man who thinks 72 hour deodorant means you don't have to shower for 3 days. Steph's sweet demeanour came crashing down this week as she berated Gary for serving her lunch after he took a dump. She had a point but it made her look like a brat.  I don't think them apples fell too far from the Speidi Tree.

Dee Kelly

Rumpled old warthog whose maternal mask is slipping each day.  I so wanted to hate this woman but to be honest she's OK.  She's taken to the role of house Mother like a duck to water and there's not even been a sniff of the panic attacks that allegedly kept her out of the workplace for years.  She's always there with a flabby hug and words of comfort for the rest of the pride but there's a sly look in her eye that suggests she wouldn't think twice about culling the competition at the first sign of weakness.  I'm sure her old Brummy neighbours would agree.

David, Ricci & George

The gormless gimps.  They just spend their days running around the garden or annoying the girls.  Poor Ricci is a broken man since David got the push and squeaky George has taken comfort in the attention of a bored Stephanie.  Somehow I can't see Steph curled up on the sofa in pink Crocs with Linda & George on the next series of Gogglebox.  Just as unlikely as George rewiring Binky's flat on Made in Chelsea.

The Prey

Gary Busey

Smelly old scarecrow with a bad attitude.  He might be deaf as a post but that's no excuse for rudeness and stinky feet. Busey has a face like someone dropped their dentures into a bowl of mashed potato.  Not only is he a major international star (his words) but we learned this week that he's been reincarnated 32 times. Apparently he fought at the Alamo and was Alexander the Great's right hand man.  Shame he never learnt about personal hygiene during all those past lives. I think the Dementia Care Home beckons.

Frenchy

Grotesque Gallic stripper with psychotic tendencies. She's like how Barbie would have turned out if she'd had a crack problem and a cheap plastic surgeon.  She had a meltdown this week and threw spaghetti all over the house. I think she was confused and thought Big Brother had delivered the wrong shade of hair extensions.


Leslie Jordan

Camp sociopath who either has a tapeworm or an unstable blood sugar level due to years of living on Jack Daniels, speed and poppers.  I loved Leslie on Will & Grace and he hasn't disappointed in the house.  His fiery feuds with Gary & Frenchy have been TV gold.  He's like a tiny hand grenade.  How can something so small explode with such hilarious spite and venom.  You really can't take his spectacular hissy fits seriously.  Sadly the GBP did and the tiny bitch was the second person to be evicted on Friday.

Lauren Goodger

Porcine pool pisser.  I like Lauren but Christ, she really needs a stylist.  It's been one frock horror after another.  The canary yellow sheath with knitted arm bands, netting and a glimpse of muff was a real shocker. She's desperate to make right mark but sitting all day with a pout and a fag on isn't going to bring in the votes.



Kellie Maloney

Oh Kellie.  What were you thinking? When the doctors said you should live as a woman as part of your psychological transformation from Frank to Kellie I'm sure they didn't expect you to take your first wobbly steps into the Big Brother House for the world to witness your wig and makeup experiments.  It takes transgender patients years to develop their feminine persona and style but you decided to jeopardise an already difficult journey by stepping into the spotlight with some dodgy wigs and the sale rack from Bon Marche.  I really wish you well but hope you're evicted soon for your own state of mind.

Claire King

Another soapy letdown. Kim Tate was sexy, spunky and spiky. Claire is more like an old pot of stewed tea. I think she's missing her horses and mugs of vodka.





Edele Lynch

What can I say about Edele?  Well she's Irish..........

I thought she'd be a right firecracker but so far she's a damp squib.  She should have gone on X Factor.  Louis would have put her through to the live shows despite her vocal limitations.  I can see him now.  Bouncing up and down and asking everyone in Ireland to pick up the phone and vote.

Talking of X Factor.  Simon is back tonight with Louis, Cheryl and Scary Spice.  Four months of tears, tantrums and a ratings war with Strictly.

World crisis......what world crisis?

3 Days Later

Well that was a big disappointment.  Mean girl, Helen Wood walked away with 100 grand thanks to a modern phenomenon. A core fan base who keep dangerous dogs, rob Poundstretcher and ring the Jeremy Kyle hotline every week.  The Vicky Pollard generation have spoken and their poster bitch took the Big Brother crown, much to the embarrassment of everyone.  Poor Emma Willis was literally speechless in her post show interview on Bit the Side.  I really hope Helen is going to give Pauline a cut of her winnings.  If she hadn't received that free pass to the final she would have been out on her ass weeks ago so she owes Pauline big time.  Somehow I can't see that happening though.  Despite Helen's tears it was clear that she blames her bad behaviour on everyone else.  They caused her to act like a dick and a bully.  It was Danielle/Mathew/Jalé/Ashleigh's fault that she got 14 warnings in 4 days. Today it's always someone else's fault.  Society, environment, the Government, the Police, parents.  There's no self awareness or responsibility for their actions.  That's what I love about Big Brother.  It's a social commentary and psychological experiment disguised as a frivolous game show for the great unwashed. So Helen's out with money to burn.  Wilmslow WAGs better watch their backs.

And now for something completely different.  Well not really.  The first 'celebrity' into the house on Monday was the infamous white Dee.  A vision in figure hugging, grey poly-cotton and a Phil Oakey haircut.  This woman's claim to fame is the fact that she's not worked for years.  Yes that's a career option in 21st century Britain and when it brings fame and fortune it does seem like a bloody good choice. The BB producers know their audience and so Dee was given plenty of airtime with a launch night task to pass herself off as the Duchess of Solihull.  They might as well of handed her a golden ticket to the final.  To be fair she did a good job and the makeover was impressive but did they not spot the tattoos on her ankle?  Only an American would think nothing of a member of the Royal Family having a packet of Lambert & Butler stashed in their bra.

Macho ballroom king, James Jordan was next.  Sacked from Strictly for being too opinionated, I bet he's gonna be trouble.  Minus his Ola I wonder if he'll be offering up his Rumba in the bedroom over the next few weeks.  The first #hotmale

James was followed by Claire King off of Emmerdale.  She came over all house hostess but I'm sure it won't be long before Kim Tate resurfaces and the smiling Yorkshire assassin starts plotting to get rid of her fellow housemates.  Great tits.

Another hottie! Someone called David who's the current beau of Kelly Brook.  She seems to be going down the celebrity boyfriend ladder and this is probably her attempt to get him off the Z list and up to at least T or R by the end of the month.  Far too bouncy, lumpy and pumped for my liking.  Having sex with David would be like shagging a sack of potatoes on a Blackpool tram.

Poor Kellie Maloney should have tried walking in those shoes before she took to the runway.  Bless her.  I can't decide if she's really brave for going on the show or just plain stupid.  For someone who's only been living as a woman for such a short period of time she looked great.  Lauren Harries must be raging.

Kellie's mate Audley looked really surprised to see her but his reaction was priceless.  'So you obviously thought about this for a long time and the only thing you could come up with was Kellie'  A perfect comment for a situation that could have been awkward.  Nice one Audley.

Lauren Goodger.  Poor girl has a permanent selfie pout on her face.  What on earth was she wearing?  She looked like a bowl of Ben & Jerry's that's been left out of the freezer too long.  I reckon she might be first out which is a shame because I'm sure she's a nice girl but will forever be remembered for being the bane of poor Mark Wright's life on TOWIE.  Isn't it funny how Mark Wright could be a complete cheating bastard and yet it was always long suffering Lauren who came in for the most stick on social media sites and in the press.

Lovely George off Gogglebox was next.  Now for me he's got more charm and couch appeal than Mark Wright or any of that TOWIE lot.  He might be squeaky but you gottta love a man with no pants who loves his Mum.

Fresh from the Big Reunion it's her off Bewitched.  Edele always seemed like a bitch to me.  Like an Irish Diana Ross who thought she was better than the other girls in the band.  She probably was but Diana had Berry Gordy as a mentor, she had Louis Walsh. C'est la vie.

Oh FFS not another Geordie Shore wannabe!  Rubbish Ricci.  Sorry I can't even be bothered to comment.

And another Reality TV 'star'.  Keeping it in the family we have Spencer Pratt's sister.  Stephanie's gone from The Hills to Chelsea to Borehamwood.  That sounds like Kelly Brook's boyfriend journey.  Cute but jet-lagged.  I'm not sure she'll have the Speidi Factor.

Little Leslie Jordan!  I've loved him since Will & Grace and his massive bitch fights with Karen.  A complete legend and could be this year's Julian Clary if he can stay out of conflicts.

WTF is this????  A French pole dancer called Frenchy with a face to die for.  Truly I would rather die than have a face like that.  She looks like Plug from the Beano with cheap blonde extensions.  I'm sure she's a sweet girl but what a mess.  Reminds me of that scene in Batman when the Joker dipped Jerry Hall in that vat of toxic waste.

And finally it's Hollywood faded star, Gary Busey.  He always looked a bit crumpled and crazy but the years haven't been kind.  He scares me. I hope they have good security on hand as I don't think it will be long before Gary's demons are unleashed.

A great bunch of housemates again and I'm obsessed already but I can't help thinking they should do a version of Celebrity Big Brother for famous people.

The Last Night of the Plums

So here we are.  It's the final night of a series that's mirrored our British summer.  Clammy, inconsistent and over too soon.  How the hell did we manage to land up with this motley crew in the last 6?  I'll tell you why?  Pure and simple.  The producers interfered with the format so much that we didn't really get a chance to decide for ourselves who should be our finalists.  The real people who held the power throughout were the production team.  'The Power is back' they would announce every week and in truth it never went away.  They manipulated the housemates, the nominations and the viewers so much that the series became more like a scripted reality show than ever before.  There were so few 'normal' eviction weeks that the heart of the show was ripped out.  The game was fixed and it was like playing Twister with the cast of Cirque du Soleil.  Evicted housemates wouldn't go away and were shoe-horned back into the house at every opportunity for the flimsiest excuses to make the most of their cast.

In the end their machinations completely back-fired and they lost all their big characters except the hideous Helen and that was only because of her golden ticket to the final.  They meddled so much that there's a strong chance that the Bolton Bitch will walk a way with the title and a 100 grand.  If last year's CBB is the new benchmark then the sort of people who voted for Jim Davidson to win will have hideous Helen's number on redial this week as a vote for the 'common' man (woman). Today's working class heroes seem to be nasty, good for nothing sorts.  Being open and honest is confused with being a complete rude bitch.  What you see is what you get roughly translates to being an aggressive bully.  The salt of the earth have lost their hearts and aspirations are set low and mean.

A couple of weeks ago I thought our winner would either be a Scouse Ewok in jeggings or the bouffant buffoon.  It's now a race between the controlling ex prostitute and a truculent teenager.  I'm rooting for the body dysmorphic queen wearing Rylan Clark's spare set of teeth.

I'll be back...........

Game of Drones

OK so let me just say from the get-go that I thought the opening ceremony of the Glasgow Games was amazing.  By London 2012 standards they had a meagre budget but bloody hell did they put on a show.  I was so envious of my colleagues up there on the night but the atmosphere and warmth really came through to this viewer sat in a steamy Croydon semi.

The whole evening was brash, quirky and opinionated.  Just like a Glaswegian.  You can catch two of my favourites on The Janey Godley podcast every week.  Like Janey & Ashley, the opening ceremony was full of Scottish pride, heart and self deprecating humour.  A genuine welcome to the banks of the Clyde.

That said there were some right clangers during the evening.  What sadist set Susan Boyle up for a fall with that dreadful McCartney dirge.  Mull of fucking Kintyre has to be the worst bagpipe anthem ever written and was completely wrong for the Blackburn diva.  As soon as she opened her gob you knew she wasn't happy with this trite shite.  The nerves kicked in and she stumbled over the words and lost her pitch for the rest of the verse.  I bet she was raging back stage and throwing bottles of Irn Bru at her entourage. Her Maj and Phil must have thought they'd got a turn from the Maryhill TA Social Club.  This wasn't the dream Subo dreamed.  It was a palm sweating nightmare.

John Barrowman wasn't much better.  All contrived accent and mincing around with some Tunnock's tea cakes.  Why couldn't we have had Lulu or Sheena Easton or even the bloody Krankies?

Rod Stewart did a turn but whilst his raspy delivery used to sound quite sexy in 1978, it's just a croaky old man now who sounds like he needs some Benylin and a packet of Strepsils.

Glasgow didn't need these big yins.  The Flash mob in George Square was the highlight for me.  Just real people, on the streets, having a good time.  Oh and the little Scottie dogs leading the athletes into the stadium was inspired.  G'on yersel Glasgeh!

After losing 3 housemates last week the Big Brother house was a bit shaken.  Pav and Zoe tried to settle in while Steven had a bit of a Britney Spears meltdown after the loss of his 'poor cow'.  His game plan was scuppered so he painted his face, waxed his pubes and shaved all his hair off to keep the focus on him. His needy lust was transferred to a stuffed robot.  Now there's irony for you.  He thought he looked the bees knees in his blue task trackies but it was more Bulgarian wrestling coach than street chic.  Steven Goode proves that money can't buy you style.  He's just a massive bell-end with a fat wallet.

The Power returned to the house with Ashleigh, Chris and Mark calling the shots.  Bianca, Matthew and Danielle planted some bitter seeds of doubt about Pav & Zoe but they were always safe as we now had our opportunity to evict selfish Steve. I suspect Pav won't last past next Friday.  He's just plain dull.  I'd rather watch Lauren Goodger's sex video.

Good games in Borehamwood this week as the housemates showed of their vocal talents in a sing-off that had my cringe glands swelling up again.  Maybe Subo, Rod & Captain Jack weren't that bad after all.

Thank goodness Mark got some negative crowd reaction this week.  He's so up himself and condescending.  I'm tired of his hissy fits and attention seeking now.  It's a pity he can't see his crumbling support in his own tea leaves.

Helen and Ash crossed a line this week and had something more than a friendly spoon under the duvet.  Helen is clearly besotted with the Mancunian Macho Man but I don't think his Mum needs to be worrying about buying a new hat any time soon.

In other news. Steven is out and Ashleigh brushed her hair.

Oh and Kimberly turned up on BBBOTS looking remarkably fit and healthy but still madly in love with Steven.  She must have a mental illness.

The Three Horsemen of the Apocalypse

So poor old Vince McMahon is in the shit.  The WWE is going down the pan after 30 years of dominating professional wrestling and turning it into a money spinning circus. WWE is the Redneck version of TOWIE, Geordie Shore & The Hills.  It's just a scripted soap opera.  Reality TV for beer swilling hillbillies.  Bring back Big Daddy and Giant Haystacks.

On this side of the pond we had our very own Smackdown playing out in Borehamwood as Marlon paid the price for his cowardly deed.  Ousted in his pants through the back door. Monday Night Raw.  A fitting end to a fairly superfluous housemate.

This is Armageddon week, which in Big Brother World meant that housemates lost their kettle, hair straighteners and jacuzzi.  Mark had a hissy fit and Danielle was outraged at being asked to eat something out of a tin.  Bear Grylls this lot ain't.  The housemates were forced to fight for food in a sewer and build a life raft from garbage.  Danielle was raging again as her team failed to bag enough rotting fish and she sank like a stone on her team's raft.  They should have used her breasts as ballast.  Those Mothers could have raised the Costa Concordia.

Hard times seemed to bring Mark and Christmas closer and after a couple of shandies they had a bit of a moment behind the rice and lentils.  I doubt it will last.  Christopher is already shocked by how much time Mark can spend talking about eyebrows.  His conversation is about as stimulating as watching test cricket.

To make the end of the world even less enjoyable Big Brother threw in some new housemates.  Three cats amongst the tatty old pigeons.  Now Essex gets a lot of stick for it's shallow culture but they plumbed new depths with Biannca.  All thick hair, thick fake tan, thick white teeth and a thick waist.  Just thick really. More JJ's Basildon than Sugar Hut. Within minutes she'd got her boobs out, threatened to sit on Winston's cock and ride him into the rubble.  This apparently is called banter these days amongst the Magaluf set.  Little wonder that men are losing respect for women and confused about their role.

Pav is also from Essex but comes over as a power mad nerd.  Like someone who plays World of Warcraft and knows how to sideload Android applications onto their Google Nexus.  Small and shifty.  This boy is out to win and take down anyone who stands in his way.

OMFG it's only Zoe Birkett off of Pop Idol!  This woman is more of a celebrity than some ex-CBB housemates.  What on earth is she doing on here?  Did she get her dates mixed up and arrive too early?  Zoe hasn't changed since she was beaten in to 4th place by Will, Gareth & Darius 12 years ago.  Shame about her choice of kecks though.  She looked like she was wearing two rolls of Linda Barker wallpaper.

The inevitable paranoia set in and worst hit was Danielle.  Her prim and proper persona was about to unravel as Biannca went for the jugular and revealed her secret lifestyle to the house.  Danielle's cover was blown and no amount of tears and back-peddling could convince her housemates that she's not used to prancing around in her undies showing her lady off.

As the squalor continued we also had the ongoing squalid romance of Steven and Kimberly. Steven was determined to interrogate the newbies to find out why the public hate him and when he found out it was due to his controlling personality and shagging Kim he blamed her again for making him look bad.  His constant badgering drove her to tears which of course made him even more angry as she was making him look like a dick.  I didn't think I could detest a housemate more than BB5's Jason Cowan but I was wrong. Kim also discovered that Steven had said that he'd shag someone in the house to help him win the 100 grand.

Kimberly conveniently acquired a mystery illness and disappeared up the stairs like Tracy Barlow Mk 2.  Will she re-appear with a new face and a personality?  For her sake I hope she leaves the country before 'sensitive' Steven is evicted.  

Steven didn't seem remotely bothered about Kim's departure.  The words that fell from his mouth were completely at odds with his body language.  In fact he was more concerned that her  illness was adding to his stress about his eviction night.  He did ask Big Brother to tell Kim that he loves her very very much as tore into a sandwich and a spray of spit and ham hit the Diary Room camera.  2 Second Steve took more time savouring his snack than he did pleasuring his bed partner.  

After 4 days of acting like a slut bucket it was Biannca that felt the wrath of the viewers and out she went with her bra round her neck and the crowd booing her breasts.  I'm sure it won't be the last we hear of her.  The Daily Star were probably on the phone Friday night.

So with no Kim, and Pav having the hots for Ashleigh, the newbies eviction choice was Danielle and her dual personalities.  They both left the house in a hideous purple slit dress that looked like a Shirley Bassey costume from a fancy dress shop.

With Armageddon over and Danielle cast into hell, she'll have plenty of time to consider what went wrong and how her own Book of Revelations ended her Big Brother experience.

p.s. Does anyone know where I can get a Designer Penis?  I can't find one on the Ralph Lauren website.

Fatal Attraction

I love you Big Brother.  I really love you.  I will never leave you.  I'm pissed off with you but I love you.  I will be with you forever.  Tell me you will never leave me.  Promise me you will be with me always!  I can't live without you.

It seems like an age since Terrible Toya was shown the door for being a complete bitch.  Let me tell you Toya.  You may have a law degree but a tabloid career in Nigeria and a bad attitude doesn't give you the right to look down your big nostrils at the other housemates.  Simply delusional with a massive chip potato wedge on her shoulder.  If she took her own advice she might be a nicer person.  Just calm the fuck down!

Toya's legacy was to split the house even more and isolate Ashleigh and Danielle.  Danielle was accused of flip flopping.  I think that was a euphemism for something she does on her web-cam show.  The surly pair retreated to the bedroom and concocted an evil plan to get Ash out of the house.  Ashleigh was dead chuffed with herself as she twiddled with her teddy.  Has she never watched the show before?  Pride comes before a fall and her master plan went tits up.

Ash survived the plotting and next to get the chop was Matthew and his hairy shoulders. I was surprised that he fell so soon as he was the only person to stand up to Helen and not wilt under the torrent of abuse.  Maybe it was those cheap vests and the bushy deltoids that put the public off?  He was a bit morose and static though.  The most animated thing about him was his jumpy eyebrows.  They were like two slugs on a trampoline as he anxiously awaited his fate.

In the aftermath, the coupling started in earnest.  Ash and Helen flirted like a couple on a Blackpool Stags & Hens weekend.  All talk and no action. More Chemistry than Biology & Physics.

However Danielle was on heat.  These Catholic girls are the worst.  A couple of hail Mary's and a chat in the confession box and God will forgive any fleshy sins.  After a couple of lager and limes she was purring and stretching over the kitchen worktop in an attempt to excite a bemused Winston.  Luckily for Danielle it was clear that Winston wasn't attracted to this pussy so she won't be needing Big Brother to get her a priest any time soon. Winston pissing on her passion was awkward but by no means the most gut churning match up in the house.

Steven & Kimberly.  Oh God where do I start?  Steven Goode is bad!  A dreadful, controlling man whose wooing techniques amount to gripping his girl in a headlock and making her feel bad about herself.  Steven was voted the biggest gentleman in the house by the rest of the gang.  This makes me sad that none of them can see what a domineering and selfish creep he actually is.  He's a master manipulator.  When he cried on Pauline's breasts after being up for eviction in week two, everyone was sucked in by his niceness.  Since then he's worn Kimberly down by his constant attacks on her character whilst smothering her with his 'love' and clammy clutches.  There's nothing cuddly or romantic about his physicality with her. Kimberly started the series as what appeared to be a strong, independent woman but he's broken her down to the point where he can demand that she 'Opens it' in bed.  She obeys silently.  Uncomfortable viewing and something I'm sure will hit a nerve with a lot of UK women.  Whilst coercing her into planning their marriage and a life together he started to destroy any links to her life before Big Brother.  He told her in no uncertain terms that she must never, ever speak to her ex boyfriend again.  He then cajoled her into destroying a couple of Polaroids of his rival from her personal scrapbook and once again she submitted and apologised for making him feel angry.  Her reward for her obedience was to lie back and think of England while he rolled on top of her and emptied his scrotum in her for about 20 seconds.  Seems like he can't control where it counts. There was nothing about love in this selfish act.  It was a quick wank without the any wrist effort.  A gentleman?  Gentlemen don't finger and shag someone they profess to love on national TV.  I'm not saying Kimberly is blameless but I've seen so many women & men like her crumble under the powerful assault of an insecure, controlling man.  Hopefully his days are numbered and she'll come to her senses.

Another insecure, spoilt brat showed his true colours this week as Marlon saved his own skin in the shopping task and avoided eviction.  He decided that betraying his friends and losing the food budget was a great idea.  It may have postponed the inevitable but his cowardice has turned the whole house against him and given everyone a good reason to nominate him next week.  I'll be glad to see the back of that Bianca Jackson silver jacket and ill-fitting baseball cap.  He won't be missed.  In fact his act of betrayal is about the only thing of significance that he's done in a month.  Don't worry mate.  There's gonna be a queue of 'talent' waiting to give you a hand job in the toilets of Yate's in Croydon when you get out.

Someone who will be missed is Slugsworth.  Sorry I mean Jale.  I really liked Jale but, like the movie Mean Girls, she got sucked into Helen's court and went from good egg to bad seed recently and now I'm not sure which was the real Jale.  I had a feeling that the viewers would be thinking the same as me but during her interview with Emma we saw the old Jale who was just a down to earth bird who was out to enjoy the Big Brother experience.  We'll miss ya maggot.

Armageddon next week.  Can't wait for Monday.  Let's hope one of the new housemates is Kimberly's ex and she gets a more satisfying shag :-)