Fatal Attraction

I love you Big Brother.  I really love you.  I will never leave you.  I'm pissed off with you but I love you.  I will be with you forever.  Tell me you will never leave me.  Promise me you will be with me always!  I can't live without you.

It seems like an age since Terrible Toya was shown the door for being a complete bitch.  Let me tell you Toya.  You may have a law degree but a tabloid career in Nigeria and a bad attitude doesn't give you the right to look down your big nostrils at the other housemates.  Simply delusional with a massive chip potato wedge on her shoulder.  If she took her own advice she might be a nicer person.  Just calm the fuck down!

Toya's legacy was to split the house even more and isolate Ashleigh and Danielle.  Danielle was accused of flip flopping.  I think that was a euphemism for something she does on her web-cam show.  The surly pair retreated to the bedroom and concocted an evil plan to get Ash out of the house.  Ashleigh was dead chuffed with herself as she twiddled with her teddy.  Has she never watched the show before?  Pride comes before a fall and her master plan went tits up.

Ash survived the plotting and next to get the chop was Matthew and his hairy shoulders. I was surprised that he fell so soon as he was the only person to stand up to Helen and not wilt under the torrent of abuse.  Maybe it was those cheap vests and the bushy deltoids that put the public off?  He was a bit morose and static though.  The most animated thing about him was his jumpy eyebrows.  They were like two slugs on a trampoline as he anxiously awaited his fate.

In the aftermath, the coupling started in earnest.  Ash and Helen flirted like a couple on a Blackpool Stags & Hens weekend.  All talk and no action. More Chemistry than Biology & Physics.

However Danielle was on heat.  These Catholic girls are the worst.  A couple of hail Mary's and a chat in the confession box and God will forgive any fleshy sins.  After a couple of lager and limes she was purring and stretching over the kitchen worktop in an attempt to excite a bemused Winston.  Luckily for Danielle it was clear that Winston wasn't attracted to this pussy so she won't be needing Big Brother to get her a priest any time soon. Winston pissing on her passion was awkward but by no means the most gut churning match up in the house.

Steven & Kimberly.  Oh God where do I start?  Steven Goode is bad!  A dreadful, controlling man whose wooing techniques amount to gripping his girl in a headlock and making her feel bad about herself.  Steven was voted the biggest gentleman in the house by the rest of the gang.  This makes me sad that none of them can see what a domineering and selfish creep he actually is.  He's a master manipulator.  When he cried on Pauline's breasts after being up for eviction in week two, everyone was sucked in by his niceness.  Since then he's worn Kimberly down by his constant attacks on her character whilst smothering her with his 'love' and clammy clutches.  There's nothing cuddly or romantic about his physicality with her. Kimberly started the series as what appeared to be a strong, independent woman but he's broken her down to the point where he can demand that she 'Opens it' in bed.  She obeys silently.  Uncomfortable viewing and something I'm sure will hit a nerve with a lot of UK women.  Whilst coercing her into planning their marriage and a life together he started to destroy any links to her life before Big Brother.  He told her in no uncertain terms that she must never, ever speak to her ex boyfriend again.  He then cajoled her into destroying a couple of Polaroids of his rival from her personal scrapbook and once again she submitted and apologised for making him feel angry.  Her reward for her obedience was to lie back and think of England while he rolled on top of her and emptied his scrotum in her for about 20 seconds.  Seems like he can't control where it counts. There was nothing about love in this selfish act.  It was a quick wank without the any wrist effort.  A gentleman?  Gentlemen don't finger and shag someone they profess to love on national TV.  I'm not saying Kimberly is blameless but I've seen so many women & men like her crumble under the powerful assault of an insecure, controlling man.  Hopefully his days are numbered and she'll come to her senses.

Another insecure, spoilt brat showed his true colours this week as Marlon saved his own skin in the shopping task and avoided eviction.  He decided that betraying his friends and losing the food budget was a great idea.  It may have postponed the inevitable but his cowardice has turned the whole house against him and given everyone a good reason to nominate him next week.  I'll be glad to see the back of that Bianca Jackson silver jacket and ill-fitting baseball cap.  He won't be missed.  In fact his act of betrayal is about the only thing of significance that he's done in a month.  Don't worry mate.  There's gonna be a queue of 'talent' waiting to give you a hand job in the toilets of Yate's in Croydon when you get out.

Someone who will be missed is Slugsworth.  Sorry I mean Jale.  I really liked Jale but, like the movie Mean Girls, she got sucked into Helen's court and went from good egg to bad seed recently and now I'm not sure which was the real Jale.  I had a feeling that the viewers would be thinking the same as me but during her interview with Emma we saw the old Jale who was just a down to earth bird who was out to enjoy the Big Brother experience.  We'll miss ya maggot.

Armageddon next week.  Can't wait for Monday.  Let's hope one of the new housemates is Kimberly's ex and she gets a more satisfying shag :-)

I wanna know what porn is...

So the England World Cup campaign fizzled out again with the worst performance in years.  An unsurprising let down from a bunch of overpaid egos.  It's a sad reflection of the game today that Harry Redknapp revealed that a lot of players will do anything to get out of playing for their country.  Happy to stay at home counting their obscene wage packets rather than risk being shown up on an international stage with 3 lions on their shirts.  There doesn't seem to be any pride or passion about playing for your country anymore.  International caps used to be a badge of honour but today it's all about earning power and image and why would you bother to expose yourself in the World Cup and run the risk of being rumbled.

England's new sponsors

Part of England's downfall can be laid on the shoulders of Luis Suarez.  The toothy Uruguayan striker's 2 goals sealed their fate early on.  Just to rub salt into the hand that feeds him he declared that his goals were sweet revenge for the criticism he's received in England.  That would the criticism for racial abuse and biting other players.  See this is what happens when you pay numb skulls lots of money and idolise them like Gods.

Talking of numb skulls......what another great week in the Big Brother House.

The new Power Housemate was Chris, the droll Ewok.  His secret task was to nominate the housemates for eviction and he went straight for the jugular and picked the juggernaut.  The whole house was appalled that Pol was up.  Of course Pauline knew it would be her and blamed Jale for her fate.  Self awareness isn't a skill that Mother has amongst her talents.

Next up was Slimy Steven.  Within minutes, the tough businessman was inconsolable and sobbing into Mummy's breasts.  Palpable paranoia set in and the housemates spent most of the week obsessed with the secret and horrified that someone within their midst could be so evil.  Did they all forget they were on Big Brother and nominations are just a part of the game?

The irony being that not one of them thought bad of Pauline for her killer nomination that put Jale up every week.  Nobody batted an eyelid that hapless Christopher was up but they were incensed that their Mom and her baby boy were nominated.

Ash and Marlon also felt the hand of Chris which was a bit of a surprise, as neither had really done much in the house until they perved over the girls doing their morning stretches.  Ash was gutted that there's no sluts in the house but Marlon said that, in his world, all women were sluts.  You can't condemn him.  His weekends are spent at Tiger Tiger in Croydon.

Marlon and his 'hench' man Winston have been bonding on the grass.  Doing that gym bromance thing that looks like out-takes from the Gay Joy of Sex book.  I'm still loving Winston.  He's like a reem Forest Gump in the body of an 1980s wrestler.  The housemates also have him down as a simpleton as they reacted with venom to Kim sharing the communal shower with him after the farm task.  Two young people in their swimwear having a nice chat was turned into some sordid sexual encounter by the house Mean Girls.  Head harridan Helen was the main instigator.  This moralistic bashing came from an ex-whore who sold her body for sex with a famous married man.  Winston just giggled and Kimberly rose above the fractious finger pointing.

It was so great to hear Marcus Bentley talking about the chickens during the shopping tasks.  Brought back memories of Darren and Marjorie from the very first Big Brother.  God was that really 14 years ago!

Demure Danielle continued to disappear into the background after her fire and brimstone rants from week 1.  I'm still not buying this act and my suspicions were confirmed this week when she asked her fellow housemates what porn was.  She shrieked and screwed up her nose at the explanation that followed and feigned bemusement at such things.  She's not fooling me.  I bet she's had many a Slick Biscuit and not adverse to a Boston George!

Pauline's exit on Friday didn't come as a surprise.  Even she wasn't Shocked [sic].  What followed was an epic display of arrogance and blame-shifting.  Emma and Rylan were clearly niggled by her complete lack of humility and refusal to answer a question directly.  Nobody will miss this grouchy granny apart from that silly woman on BBOTs who said 'It's a shame.  It's a black thing'.  Yes she actually said that.  A bit like Louis Walsh putting through Irish singers on X Factor.

Before Pauline's seat on the sofa had time to cool down the next Power Housemate was announced.  Hopefully they would choose someone who would restore some calm and fun to the house.  Like hell they would.  They only went and voted for Toya!  That's like replacing Grandma with the Big Bad Wolf. That girl is so ratchet.

It's gonna get bare butters :-)

I'm a lady

I need an exorcist!  I think my mouse is possessed by an evil entity.  On Friday it sent a work email to the wrong people.  Thanks God there wasn't anything contentious in there but it was almost as embarrassing as the time I pressed 'Reply All' by mistake and sent a torrent of abuse straight back to the target of my wrath.  I was about to put this down to my inability to multi-task when my online order from Sainsburys was delivered. As I emptied the orange bags I found two of nearly everything on my list.   Whilst I was dialling their Customer Service I discovered a stream of double-clicks in my trolley and my mouse had vanished.  I spotted it two hours later in the dog's bed. On Friday evening as I watched Big Brother I was making notes on here and the cursor was going crazy.  It was as jumpy as Ed Milliband's PR team after they told him that The Sun newspaper photo opportunity was a good idea. There goes the Scouse vote.  So the mouse batteries were removed and I went back to old school USB.  I'm sure I saw it move on it's own later but that might have been down to the bottle of Jacob's Creek.

What a week it's been on Big Brother.  Usually it takes a week or so for the masks to drop and the paranoia to set in.  This lot have dived straight in and it's been kicking off like an East Croydon illegal rave.

Lady Danielle was the first to lose her marbles.  The refined Scot spat her disdain at the immoral inmates at every opportunity.  Like Glasgow's answer to Moses she stormed around the house throwing her stone tablets at the unbelievers and predicted a day of reckoning for the Whore of Babylon (Helen) and her cohorts.

A lively conversation about Toya's fanny spray tipped Danielle over the edge and The Beast was awoken.  Danielle tuned into Linda Blair and let rip a volley of four letter abuse at her nemesis.  Helen rose to the challenge and they were at it like an audition for the Jeremy Kyle Show. I didn't learn that sort of language at my Sunday School.  While Jesus was carrying his cross up the hill I'm sure he didn't call the baying crowds 'F****ng Tw*ts'. Like the good Catholic girl she is - Danielle decided to ask God for his forgiveness for her behaviour and next day everything was fine.  Lady Danielle was absolved of her sins and she turned into a completely different person.  Overnight she became friendly and tolerant and faded into the background.  You'd almost think it was a game plan.  Oh and I'm not sure I understand why Toya uses feminine spray anyway.  I thought a vagina was like a self cleaning oven.

Pauline also had a major personality switch.  The public's favourite on launch night was granted The Power and boy did she accept the mantle.  Like Joan Crawford in Mommie Dearest she's ruling the house with a metal coat hanger and woe betide anyone who crosses her.  A vicious, smiling assassin who has somehow managed to recruit a group of adoring disciples and split the house.  It was a tactic that appeared to be working until she turned on Jale and Christopher with such OTT venom over minor meal time transgressions.  Some housemates became more scared of her but the cracks are showing.  After they heard the crowd chants on Friday there's a lot of damage limitation at work now.  Only Sappy Steven and Horrible Helen still seem completely on-side.

It wasn't all Mean Girls this week.  Winston and Tamara struck up a cosy friendship.  She said on her VT that she likes men who are good looking and stupid.  KERCHING!!! Flash Gordon and Dale Arden flirted all week and went on a date that ended up with some inevitable tongue action.  Could this save Tamara from an early exit?  Mystic Mark didn't think so.  He saw her exit in the Tarot cards. For a moment we thought he might really have psychic powers.  Then he did a tea leaf reading and spotted an Afro hairstyle so predicted that Marlon was the new Power Housemate.  About as psychic and Derek Acorah.

Tamara was evicted and Flash......sorry.....Winston had a wee cry in the Diary Room.  Probably thinking he'd blown his chance of a big summer romance in the Big Brother House and will need to find some other way to raise his profile.  Schoolboy error to latch onto one girl in the first week.  Ask Lee Ryan.

True to form it was the females who created the most dramas from the start while the boys sat around in the sunshine topping up their tans watching the bitches claw each others eyes out.  You could almost hear David Attenborough's commentary.

Pitbull n Boots

So before I discuss this week's Big Brother scandals and traumas I can't let the other big TV event go without a mention.  The World Cup kicked off in Brasil on Thursday but sadly the opening night was hosted by ITV and the dreadful Adrian Chiles.  The man is a buffoon and I have no idea how he manages to remain as anchor to ITV's football coverage.

His pre-match conversation was focused on talking about the empty beach and ass licking his 2 Euro legend colleagues.  A real coup to get Vieira and Cannavaro but someone forgot that with 3 thick accents on the panel, the banter wasn't going to flow.  It was like some Brit abroad trying to ingratiate himself with the local waiters.  They were confused.  We were confused and poor Lee Dixon on the end wasn't sure why he was there.

Outside we had Ian Wright.  His opening question to a deserted beach was 'I wonder why it's called Sugar Loaf Mountain?'  Seriously mate.  That was the best line you could come up with.  4 years to prep and you actually said that.  Next he hugged a German surfer but the questions didn't get any better 'So you reckon you have a good shot?'  Things can only get better....right?  Wrong!

The opening ceremony started with a half empty stadium.  It looked like the stewards were filling up seats with staff and shifting them around to make the place look busy.  The Brazilians must have known it was gonna be a shocker and decided to give it a wide berth until the match started.  Two words spring to mind.  Cheap & Nasty.  Was Katie Price their Artistic Director?  The anti-climax started with some old Brazilian pop princess in a sparkly leotard and blue ankle socks.  Then they brought out the big guns. Pitbull and J-Lo.  Well I say they brought them out but the stage lift broke down so they had to clamber out of a big hole before the vocals on the backing track kicked in.

Jen checked for snags on her tights, straightened her poison ivy minge strap and flashed a smile.  After a couple of Ola Olas it dawned on everyone that the sound had been turned down and the Latino Superstars were being drowned out by the crowd noise.  They carried on bravely but you could tell that J-Lo wasn't happy.  Love don't cost a thing but it's worth forking out for a good sound engineer.  The President of the International Olympic Committee must have been crying into his Beck's at this point.

ITV then cut to an ad break and never bothered to go back.  Just as I was starting to love the shambolic mess, they brought back Adrian Chiles.  He filled time with his inane and pointless chatter about it getting dark outside and more fawning over Vieira and Cannavaro. Not sure if it was his Brummy accent or the banal questions but Patrick & Fabio seemed to be answering completely different questions.  Lee Dixon was just happy to make up the numbers and who can blame him.

I guess ITV know that the Beeb will thrash them and this car crash just filled in time between the adverts. The beautiful game turned into an ugly mess.

Finally the football started and I switched over to Big Brother.

No Flowers of Scotland

No.  I'm not talking about the Scottish independence vote. That's far too serious and worrying to be covered in this irreverent nonsense.  The fate of my beloved homeland will no doubt be decided by a load of people who have no clue about the economical and social implications and treat it as though they're voting for an X Factor winner. I'm still undecided and will probably not really grasp the gravity of my choice on the day.  There are some things that really shouldn't be left to chance when lives and a nation's future are at stake. A public that voted for Jim Davidson to win Celebrity Big Brother have no right to decide on Scotland's journey.  That's not democracy, it's a travesty.

No.  I'm talking about the how the producers on Big Brother seem unable to find a remotely personable housemate from a land that is full of friendly, funny folk with passion and big hearts.  Every year we have wonderful Welsh characters, gregarious Geordies and cheeky Cockneys.  So why do we always have to suffer dour Scottish housemates who are about as likable as Chlamydia.  Sandy, Lynn, Federico, Jason, Shahbaz, Mikey, Dennis and now Danielle.  More on her later.  Come on BB. Gi's a brek! Try and find us someone we can feel proud of and more representative of a warm and passionate people.

So on to launch night 2 and the promise of a game-changing twist.  I had a horrible feeling that Emma might be over-selling this historical revelation.

OK so first out of the eye on Friday was Toya without an H.  She's a video blogger whose uploads appear to be attacks on her old boyfriends.  Don't scorn this woman unless you want to find your best Calvin's on eBay and your inability to find a clitoris being shared on You Tube.  Not quite sure why she was wearing a pink cupcake.

Could it be a hot Beckham look-a-like next.  No.  It's Samwise Gamgee off Lord of the Rings.  Chris is a miserable out of work actor who's polite and hates teamwork.  He'll fit in a treat.

Subtitle time.  Nor'n Ir'n veggie Ashleigh is another model but no business acumen suggested here.  She works in a clothes shop and re-homes cats on a Derry council estate. Pretty girl but what the hell was she wearing on her feet?  Her shoes looked like the topping off Toya's cupcake.

Ash sauntered down the runway next showing off his catwalk skills and trousers at half mast.  He's a tall lad so maybe the shop had run out of 34" inside leg.  A lazy Lothario who women can't say no to.  I can see the appeal but a bit too Miami Nice for my taste.  I bet he turns out to be a shy Mummy's boy.

Marlon is a local lad and one of Croydon's finest.  Values possessions more than love and would rather live a lonely life than suffer the humility of an old car and Barrett's shoes.  At least he doesn't have a contrived urban accent so the jury's out on this one.

The last one in was Jale.  A Turkish delight in a red duvet.  A disruptive call centre worker who has to meditate twice a day to control her aggression.  Intolerant and incapable of sharing her life with other people and hated by most of the human race since her schooldays.  Sounds like she'll be a perfect housemate.

Once all 16 were safely in the house, Emma dropped the bombshell.  All powerful Pauline was given the task of handing one of her housemates a free ticket to the final.  Not exactly the earth shattering news we were expecting and a rubbish 'twist'.  Big Brother is all about nominations and the public voting to save/evict the housemates.  Pauline chose Helen for some obscure reason and now she's basically out of the game and won't have a true Big Brother experience.  I think this is a lame decision and spoils things for Helen and the viewers.  Call me old fashioned.......

Quote of the week goes to Mark who, during the Least/Most task, asked his fellow housemates 'what does obnoxious mean'? He clearly didn't watch back his time on Channel 4's Shipwrecked.

And so to Danielle.  This year's entry for the Worst Scottish Housemate Award.  Despite a shady background in Web Cam Services and lurid press stories, she's spent the last 2 days telling everyone at every opportunity about her Christian morals and lady-like behaviour.  It all got too much for her when the gang dropped a few F-bombs whilst discussing the definition of a loose vagina.  That's a high-brow debate in the Big Brother House don't ya know!  Tears and tantrums followed and to make matters worse she was voted the Most Judgemental by her new housemates.  A manipulative attention seeker with a lack of self awareness.  She'll probably win the bloody thing!

Might Be Minging Power Strangers

It's back!

A summer of watching a load of egotistical jessies running around in their shorts under the floodlights and whipping their tops off at every opportunity.  No I don't mean Big Brother.  I'm talking about the 2014 World Cup.  Don't get me wrong.  I love a good footie match but 4 weeks of blanket prime time coverage with every match being mulled over by a load of sweaty pundits in Armani suits isn't my idea of TV Gold.  I'd rather give myself a Brazilian with a set of rusty tweezers than watch Adrian Chiles chewing his fat over the Iranian front 4.

Armchair pundits on Twitter are far more entertaining.  Social media discussions can definitely enhance the boredom of 90 minutes of ITVs exclusive coverage of Ghana's Group G challenge.  Having said that we need much less ball by ball commentary on Twitter.  Put your smartphones down FFS. Those of us who are interested are actually watching the match and don't need you filling up our timelines every 30 seconds.  That is as pointless as trying to have a reasonable debate with the YES vote extremists for Scottish independence or the UKIP party manifesto.

Thankfully those of us not obsessed with dribbling Prima Donnas can enjoy the summer in the company of Emma, Ryan and Ian and the class of 2014 in the revamped Big Brother House.  On launch night Emma looked stunning in a white catsuit more luminous than Rylan's teeth and not even a hint of a camel toe.  Emma could wear a Morrison's bag-for-life and look elegant.

So first to step out of the eye was Tamara.  A ruthless headhunter who hates glamour model types.  She said this with her tits hanging out whilst boasting that she enjoys a Man Buffet.  About as classy as Louisa Zissman.

Up next was a camp, Scouse window dresser called Mark in a yellow blazer.  Imagine the love child of Marcus off X Factor and Eurovision's Conchita Wurst but more Tweetie Pie than a Phoenix.  Left school with a GCSE in Lunch.  Well I guess that's more useful than General Studies or Latin. Apologies to my Merseyside mates but that affected voice was pissing me off before he even got to the top of the stairs.

Number 3 was Helen.  A Northern beauty therapist with a shady past.  No I have no idea who she is either. Oh hang on.  Is she the one who gave Wayne Rooney a BJ?  Shouldn't she be on Celebrity Big Brother ;-)

Millionaire Steven wants to be a future Prime Minister.  Personally I think all our potential PMs should go on Big Brother so we can see the real people beneath the waxy facades.  Steven has an uncanny resemblance to BB's Ian Lee.  Poor sod!  Wants to show us his soft side. Could be a limp dick.

I was wondering when the hideous Scot would turn up and right on cue we get Danielle.  A homophobic God botherer who claims to have high morals but works as a lingerie model and sold a story to the press about the size of BB Dexter's willy.  That doesn't sound very Christian to me.

Winston, all grin and guns, bragged that he's a bit smarter than the usual Essex boys.  Joey Essex and James Argent are a pretty low benchmark mate.  Cheeky chappy and easy on the eye.  Hope he's packed some Speedos.

Miserable Matthew is a posh Jewish boy with landscaped eyebrows.  Sounds like Julian Clary and has more makeup than the Avon lady but he's not gay.  Honest, he has a girlfriend although she could be his second beard.  Apparently he's scared of boats but not sure why that fact was relevant to his current status.  Maybe Big Brother have a sailing task lined up for the new pool.

Here comes another bloody model/business woman.  Is there a Uni that does degrees in Katie Price? Kimberly claims to be a closet genius.  Somehow I think her genius will remain well hidden throughout the summer.  I bet Lee Ryan will be all over her like a rash at the wrap party.

Irish Christopher was raised on a farm and looked a bit like a lamb to the slaughter.  He's a semi-journalist with a lovely smile and come to bed eyes.  However he's a fan of Katie Hopkins and a secret ginger. I just lost my semi.

Last but definitely not least we have rapper Pauline.  Most down to earth HM of the night.  Love her.  Not sure a white catsuit with netting was a good choice for someone with those thighs and a fat back mind.

More housemates on the way.  I bloody love this show.

The Only Way is Borehamwood.

Dancing on Thin Ice

So that's it folks.  Torville & Dean have danced their last Bolero and not before time. The iconic routine used to fill me with rising emotions but recently I just worried that Chris would drop Jane on her head or get stuck in the splits and have to be airlifted from Borehamwood in a rescue helicopter.  At least Jane Torville's been taking health & safety advice and now performs with a crash helmet hairdo that's been dipped in concrete.  There's no doubt that our Ice King and Queen are two of the most beloved sports stars of the last 30 years but I really don't want to see them doing Bolero in wheelchairs.

Dancing on Ice was a brilliant concept.  It was Strictly Come Dancing with danger.  Celebrities, blades and blood.  The prospect of Bonnie Langford having her head caved in or Andi Peters losing a hand or two has kept us glued to our Sunday evening screens for 9 years.  However, like Strictly, it's a format that's become tired and the thrills are as thin as the ice now.

So what is the legacy of this once great family favourite?

For a show that produced many polished performances it's not the great dances we'll remember.  It's Todd Carty bumbling his way across the ice with a terrified look on his face and crashing out in the competitors tunnel.  How can we forget Keith Chegwin's brave attempts to get Olga's legs behind his ears and Lauren Goodger being dragged round the ice like an Eskimo's dinner.

DOI's outrageous costumes were like an explosion at the Mardi Gras Carnival but the weekly wardrobe highlight was always Holly's tits.  The series lost two of it's biggest assets when she left. The stringy bit of fluff from Norn Iron was never going to fill those cups.

The judging panel didn't have a Len or a Simon.  Instead we had to suffer an acidic balding queen whose highlights were comparing Sharon Davis to human sewage and being offensive to Head Coach Karen Barber.  Shame Tim Healy didn't smack him in the face when he was being vile about Denise Welch.  A talentless waste of space who looks like he's always got a bad smell under his nose.  Wave your hair and your prime time TV days goodbye Mr Gardiner.

Philip has been looking like he could do with a good rest recently.  ITV are getting their pound of his pasty flesh but since he lost his Holly he just seemed to be going through the motions.  It wasn't helped by the lack of on screen chemistry with Christine bleedin' Bleakley.  The woman is about as cold as the studio floor.  So ITV now have a Schofield-free day to fill in their schedules. I hope they let the poor man have a bit of a break before they launch their next Sunday evening shenanigans.  Celebrity Curling anyone?

I wouldn't be at all surprised if his next on screen wife is Susanna Reid when they discover she hasn't set the morning ratings alight after defecting from the BBC for an obscene pay packet. Will they never learn?  Surprised they haven't asked Philip and Holly to start 4 hours earlier during the week.  They could have a lie down when Lorraine and Jeremy Kyle are on.

Tonight they crowned the Champion of Champions and there was little tension as the arrogant little Scouser lifted the trophy.  I say trophy but it was more like a cheap vase from IKEA Market Place.  Ray Quinn was clearly the best skater on the show but he's a charmless man who looks like a schoolboy on steroids.

So that was it.  The end of Dancing of Ice.  Perhaps 2 years late but in it's day it was great family entertainment in a perfect time slot.  Next week it's Catchphrase :-(