Let it go

Oh for heaven's sake Channel 5.  Stop messing with the format and giving us your 'twists'......enough already!  When was the last time we actually had a normal week of nominations and a proper eviction?  A twist should be a gob smacking surprise but for the last couple of years the show has been messed around with so much that it would be a bloody shock if we were actually given the opportunity to evict people that had been nominated by their housemates.

Constructed reality is already a dying art as shows like TOWIE, Made in Chelsea and Geordie Shore are in their final death throes.  So why are the Celebrity Big Brother producers following this weary path instead of trusting a proven format that has kept the nation gripped for over a decade?

Their latest fiddling is so blatant and they're not even trying to be clever or discreet.  Last week they rushed through a nomination shocker in an attempt to save Perez Hilton by asking Pricey to save someone and swap them for the most boring housemate.  It didn't go quite to plan as she chose to save Katie Hopkins and put up Calum Best.  I bet they breathed a sigh of relief on Friday when fish face Douvall was sent packing.

Not wanting to leave anything to chance this week, they've come up with a real beauty.  Today they decided to pretend that Perez had walked before nominations and put him in a secret room for a few days.  Didn't see that one coming.  A secret room!  Christ that's genius.  Won't this be fun.  Actually no it won't and I bet even the other housemates will rumble this before dinner.  Lazy, dull and about as subtle as Perez Hilton in his underpants snorting cheddar.

To be fair I can see why they're worried after Katie Price failed to set the show alight.  In fact she's been like a foam party at a hospice.  Completely out of place and inappropriate.  The woman has sucked the life out of the show and has no conversation other than spewing out sordid tales of her sexual antics with her many husbands.  From fisting Alex Reid to eye watering encounters with a well hung Argentinian.  From suicides to squirting. Her kids will be so proud. Strange that she spends so much time in the Diary Room telling Big Brother that she finds it difficult talking about her relationships.   The woman is deluded with no self awareness.  She's about as interesting as counting toenail clippings.

The trouble with Katie Price is that we're not shocked or surprised by her filthy gob but it seems to be catching.  In the papers this week I was horrified to read that Eamonn Holmes and Ruth Langsford are going at it like rabbits 24/7.  Poor Eamonn is run ragged.  I almost sicked up my breakfast smoothie.

Back in the house poor Patsy is going a bit bonkers.  She's needy and neurotic and despite her meditation routine she's about as calm as a ferret on heat.  But don't worry.  She's fine because she doesn't think there's any cameras around to film her breakdown.  Phew!  That's a relief Patsy.

In other news this week, Kav had a booze fuelled meltdown in his towelling robe after deciding that Cheggers is Dr Evil.  A nasty drunk in a nasty dressing gown.  Even foul mouthed, low rent Cammi was shocked by his attack.  It was like watching Joan Crawford battering her kid with a metal coat hanger.

So Alicia Douvall lost her place on Friday in a photo finish with Perez and Nadia.  Poor Alicia. She's an odd one but I quite liked her.  She's clearly had a tough life but couldn't see that her addictions and quirks are just as selfish as the alcohol and drugs lifestyle she despises.  When she said she'd rather die than have small tits you knew she really meant that with all her being.  Such a sad message for her kids.  She was fuming when her name was called and threw daggers at Katie Price for not saving her.  Pout was in full trout as she stomped up the stairs with her frown fighting the botox.

Katie Hopkins has been sticking her incredibly big nose into everything again.  Her obsession with Perez Hilton and his back fat is really spoiling her time in the house.  I hate to admit it but I've warmed to Katie over the last 2 weeks but FFS ........

Let it go, let it go.  Perez shouldn't bother you anyway.

In other news I heard today that in Northern supermarkets they're putting security tags on packs of bacon.  Says more about the North/South divide than anything I've read in the media recently.

The Price of Fame

Well it's been a bit of an explosive week in the house this week and I'm not talking about Patsy's farts!

First we had a juiced up Jeremy Jackson trying to free Chloe's boobs in the toilet after throwing up a rum and coke.  The outrage and drama that followed was understandable but I'm sure a slap and a knee to the scrotum would have been a more appropriate response in the circumstances.  I'm not blaming Chloe for the histrionics that swept the house but it did give the housemates an opportunity to dispose of the first victim on their list of outsiders.  The first oddball out.

Next on their agenda was Ken Morley.  A crusty old relic from a thankfully bygone age who hadn't quite managed to catch on to 21st century political correctness.  Whilst I'm not defending his use of dated and racist words I did find the outrage at his sexist behaviour slightly hypocritical.  It appears to be OK for the Loose Women panel and various female mags to continually make lewd references to men's packages, bums and pecs and talk about them as sex objects but a man is hung drawn and quartered for admitting to liking the curve of a pretty girl's bum cheek.  I have a feeling that if Calum had made the same comment it would been more acceptable to those girls.  I'm suggesting it was because it came from a plump, bald old man with thick glasses that it caused such a stir.  Strange that last year's Celebrity Big Brother winner made a career out of racist and sexist humour and was hailed as the 'salt of the earth'.  This is a funny old world as long as you're cute and have a twinkle in your eye as you abuse your victims.  Not so much if you're a sweaty old man who looks like a cross between Jade Goody and Les Dawson. Misfit number 2 was ousted and the house rejoiced.  Perez Hilton cried because he felt safe again, although I'm not quite sure why he was scared of Ken.  Probably because he was taking away his airtime.  The house was in remission but there was another lump to start worrying about.

Poor Alicia Duvall.  Katie, Chloe and Cami Li ripped into her like a bunch of hyenas tearing at a rotting carcass.  To be fair her face does resemble a death mask but her only crimes seem to be a misguided surgery addiction and a love for fruit.  That was enough for the house Mean Girls and she was subjected to a full on public humiliation at every opportunity.  The Plastics, led by Katie Hopkins, were relentless and I'm surprised that Big Brother didn't intervene as they seem so concerned with acceptable behaviour in the house these days.  Their concern about individual welfare seems inconsistent but Alicia rose to the challenge and was quite capable of fighting her own battles in spite of the calculated support and shit stirring from Perez and Nadia.  The public like an underdog and Alicia was saved from the first eviction at the expense of her nemesis and Chloe #whoareyou was booted out on Friday night to a horrendous reception.  YAY!

Katie Hopkins and Perez Hilton are at each others throats every day.  Not so much a Clash of the Titans as a Fracas of the Insecure.  They've both built a career around being keyboard bitches but this is clearly a front. They're like needy children who want so much to be liked but are scared to let anyone see their insecurities behind the mask of meanness.  They are so similar that they fear the other and that's created a primeval hatred that's oozing from our screens.  A prime example last week was when Katie was ranting to Perez again and she suggested his problem was that when people tell him he's a twat he ought to listen.  Clearly she doesn't listen to her own advice. The battle lines are drawn and the other housemates need to decide which brat to back.  Perez simulating anal sex in the garden probably hasn't helped his cause. I think I'd be like Calum and Kav and just hide under my duvet until the carnage is over.

I'm still loving Michelle Visage.  OK so she might look like Bernard Bresslaw in drag but she's got that house sussed and has no agenda or personality cracks.  She's the Queen of Queens but even she's finding these people hard going.  That's really saying something after 6 years of dealing with high maintenance egos on Rupaul's Drag Race.  Good luck love.......and don't fuck it up!

Big Brother then played his trump card.  No I'm still not talking about Patsy's wind.  They only brought in another self obsessed media whore.  Yes the boring Katie Price entered the house on Friday like a foul mouthed Fairy Godmother.  Would she reveal all about her sordid marriage to the sex addicted stripper.  You bet she would.  She'd hardly been in there 5 minutes before she was holding court about being betrayed by her ugly mate who shagged her man on a Cape Verde sunbed.  I hope Kieran can keep it in house trousers for the next 3 weeks.  Wouldn't it be awful if he cheated on the old leathery bag while she's in there. Awful for us as it would give her more fodder for another bloody biography and some tedious OK exclusives.  Will we ever be rid of this vacuous trollop?

Seriously though.....is £500k really good value for an inarticulate old bag?  What can she possibly reveal in the house that we don't already know from her endless self publicity?  Is anyone really interested in this faded glamour model these days?  I don't think she's even worthy of a wank rating now she's had her silicon bags removed.  Josie Cunningham would have been more interesting!

Did I actually just type that!

A Grim Fairy Tale

BEWARE!

Be prepared for very offensive language and adult themes from the start and throughout.

That's this year's Channel 5 warning at the start of Celebrity Big Brother and the same goes for this blog with the prospect of 3 weeks of Katie Fucking Hopkins and a bedroom full of tattooed tits and muscles.

I was gonna say Happy New Year but 2015 hasn't got off to a great start.  A convicted rapist is getting offers of a big pay packet to kick a ball around for the pleasure of some knuckle dragging misogynists.  Cult loons are on the loose in Paris, murdering cartoonists.  Steve McDonald has clinical depression and Cain Dingle's got an aneurysm. James Cordon is singing again and worst of all........Katie Hopkins is in the Celebrity Big Brother House!

Can I pass on that one for now!  I've got too much to say about that stupid woman for this blog.  I'll save that for later if you don't mind.

The first 'real' housemate out of the eye was Patsy Kensit in a wrestler's cape and swearing like a trooper.  I like Patsy.  She looks like an angel but I bet she's a filthy minx.  Dead cert that she didn't use rubber gloves and Cillit Bang to give Liam Gallagher a blow job.  

Next in was Perez Hilton. The social media queen is clearly suffering from withdrawal from his iPhone.  Over active. Over bearing. Over by week 2. 

Reg Holdsworth!  He was one of my teachers at secondary school in Edinburgh.  Mr Morley was a great teacher and loved by everyone.  Quite an achievement when your dealing with a load of spotty Jocks with raging hormones who would rather be smoking Embassy Regal by the Waltzers at The Gyle Fair with skinny birds in pencil skirts.

Cami Li is apparently a tattoo model. Is that even a thing?  I'd love to be a School Careers Officer these days. Ken was keen on her body art.  It was like watching him leering at Raquel over the fish fingers at Bettabuys.

Calum Best. Tabloid hunk. His claim to fame is being the spawn of an alcoholic football player and shagging Lindsay Lohan during her chemical years.  He's got form so could do well.

Alicia Duvall was next. 350 cosmetic procedures to look like a goldfish at a Halloween party.  She claims that her whole face was removed and replaced.  Shame they put it back inside out.

Alexander O'Neal??? Wonder which celebrity chickened out? What happened to the sharp suits man? He looks more like a Nigerian mini cab driver these days in a baggy two piece and over-sized comfy shoes from the Sunday Mail supplement.  Don't mean to Criticize but If You Were Here Tonight I'd have burnt that suit and chucked the shoes in Asda's recycling skip. Hopefully we'll love him by Saturday.

Nadia Sawalha. This years loose woman and a master chef.  Could go the distance without having to get her baps out in the jacuzzi. 

Hobie from Baywatch. Jeremy Jackson is almost as deranged as his TV Dad, The Hoff.  All mad eyes and sinewy body like a young Steven Tyler in a Rita Fairclough fun fur.

Kavana is the annoying porky popster who had a meltdown on The Big Reunion due to feeling inferior to Gareth Gates and Adam Rickitt.  Doesn't bode well......does it.

Drag Hag Michelle Visage is my favourite so far. Letting her gut out as soon as she got through the door.  A woman after my own heart. One to watch.

Chloe who? So someone else not turned up then?

Last one in was the legend that is Keith 'Cheggers' Chegwin!  I wonder if he was rat arsed every Saturday morning on Swap Shop.  He was always a tad over excited and bog eyed as I remember.  The thought of him banging Maggie Philbin was more disturbing than John Craven's jumpers.

A brilliant cast (with one exception).  Let's hope this fairy tale has a happy ending and the Wicked Queen doesn't make it to the final page.

Oh and before I forget.  If Ched Evans is really looking for employment they're advertising for shelf stackers in Lidls in Croydon.  Just saying....

The Circle of Strife

The world is hurting right now.  The Ebola virus is spreading. Brainwashed primitives are beheading innocent people in the name of their religion, disrupting peace amongst their fellow Arabs and threatening to attack the UK.  Russia's power mad dictator is driving Europe into crisis and the world has failed children in South Yorkshire and innocent civilians in Gaza.  So what are the top trending news articles this week in the UK?  Someone sabotaged an Arctic Roll on The Great British Bake Off and James Argent off TOWIE went 'missing' for 4 hours on Friday night.  Yes folks.  These are the burning issues that matter to our nation.  The injustice of a half melted dessert and a chubby bloke from Essex, in a shell suit, getting lost on the way to Stanstead airport. Reality TV has become our reality as we bury our heads in celebrity gossip, footballer's lifestyles and Kim Kardashian's wobbly bits.

I'm just as guilty and, like Nero fiddling while Rome burned, I've been glued to Channel 5 every night for 2 hours. This Celebrity Big Brother has been more harrowing than watching baby antelopes being slaughtered on the Serengeti plains.  It's survival of the fittest in there and I think we need the soothing tones of David Attenborough to help us through the traumatic scenes unfolding in Borehamwood amongst the pink duvets.  A pride of lions are feasting on the freaks and the feeble.

The Predators

James Jordan

King of the jungle who's in touch with his feminine side. Years of hip action and arm extensions have given him an affected mince that's at odds with his Alpha swagger and bulging biceps.  James in his micro-shorts is a telly treat but he needs to reign in the bitching and patronising comments if he's going to survive the distance.  His cold blue eyes and aggressive body language reveal his true feelings of contempt despite his attempts to appear caring and concerned.

Audley Harrison

Faded boxing champ who wants so much to be the leader of the pack but sits on the sidelines with a sneer, contemplating his fall from Olympic hero to support punchbag.  After refusing to share a foot bath with Kellie this week I think he's blown his chances of a comeback fight.  TKO.



Stephanie Pratt

Cute and playful but would slit your throat open without blinking a Lauren Goodger false eyelash. She's toying with a bemused George like a cat with a paralysed frog.  I love George but he strikes me as a man who thinks 72 hour deodorant means you don't have to shower for 3 days. Steph's sweet demeanour came crashing down this week as she berated Gary for serving her lunch after he took a dump. She had a point but it made her look like a brat.  I don't think them apples fell too far from the Speidi Tree.

Dee Kelly

Rumpled old warthog whose maternal mask is slipping each day.  I so wanted to hate this woman but to be honest she's OK.  She's taken to the role of house Mother like a duck to water and there's not even been a sniff of the panic attacks that allegedly kept her out of the workplace for years.  She's always there with a flabby hug and words of comfort for the rest of the pride but there's a sly look in her eye that suggests she wouldn't think twice about culling the competition at the first sign of weakness.  I'm sure her old Brummy neighbours would agree.

David, Ricci & George

The gormless gimps.  They just spend their days running around the garden or annoying the girls.  Poor Ricci is a broken man since David got the push and squeaky George has taken comfort in the attention of a bored Stephanie.  Somehow I can't see Steph curled up on the sofa in pink Crocs with Linda & George on the next series of Gogglebox.  Just as unlikely as George rewiring Binky's flat on Made in Chelsea.

The Prey

Gary Busey

Smelly old scarecrow with a bad attitude.  He might be deaf as a post but that's no excuse for rudeness and stinky feet. Busey has a face like someone dropped their dentures into a bowl of mashed potato.  Not only is he a major international star (his words) but we learned this week that he's been reincarnated 32 times. Apparently he fought at the Alamo and was Alexander the Great's right hand man.  Shame he never learnt about personal hygiene during all those past lives. I think the Dementia Care Home beckons.

Frenchy

Grotesque Gallic stripper with psychotic tendencies. She's like how Barbie would have turned out if she'd had a crack problem and a cheap plastic surgeon.  She had a meltdown this week and threw spaghetti all over the house. I think she was confused and thought Big Brother had delivered the wrong shade of hair extensions.


Leslie Jordan

Camp sociopath who either has a tapeworm or an unstable blood sugar level due to years of living on Jack Daniels, speed and poppers.  I loved Leslie on Will & Grace and he hasn't disappointed in the house.  His fiery feuds with Gary & Frenchy have been TV gold.  He's like a tiny hand grenade.  How can something so small explode with such hilarious spite and venom.  You really can't take his spectacular hissy fits seriously.  Sadly the GBP did and the tiny bitch was the second person to be evicted on Friday.

Lauren Goodger

Porcine pool pisser.  I like Lauren but Christ, she really needs a stylist.  It's been one frock horror after another.  The canary yellow sheath with knitted arm bands, netting and a glimpse of muff was a real shocker. She's desperate to make right mark but sitting all day with a pout and a fag on isn't going to bring in the votes.



Kellie Maloney

Oh Kellie.  What were you thinking? When the doctors said you should live as a woman as part of your psychological transformation from Frank to Kellie I'm sure they didn't expect you to take your first wobbly steps into the Big Brother House for the world to witness your wig and makeup experiments.  It takes transgender patients years to develop their feminine persona and style but you decided to jeopardise an already difficult journey by stepping into the spotlight with some dodgy wigs and the sale rack from Bon Marche.  I really wish you well but hope you're evicted soon for your own state of mind.

Claire King

Another soapy letdown. Kim Tate was sexy, spunky and spiky. Claire is more like an old pot of stewed tea. I think she's missing her horses and mugs of vodka.





Edele Lynch

What can I say about Edele?  Well she's Irish..........

I thought she'd be a right firecracker but so far she's a damp squib.  She should have gone on X Factor.  Louis would have put her through to the live shows despite her vocal limitations.  I can see him now.  Bouncing up and down and asking everyone in Ireland to pick up the phone and vote.

Talking of X Factor.  Simon is back tonight with Louis, Cheryl and Scary Spice.  Four months of tears, tantrums and a ratings war with Strictly.

World crisis......what world crisis?

3 Days Later

Well that was a big disappointment.  Mean girl, Helen Wood walked away with 100 grand thanks to a modern phenomenon. A core fan base who keep dangerous dogs, rob Poundstretcher and ring the Jeremy Kyle hotline every week.  The Vicky Pollard generation have spoken and their poster bitch took the Big Brother crown, much to the embarrassment of everyone.  Poor Emma Willis was literally speechless in her post show interview on Bit the Side.  I really hope Helen is going to give Pauline a cut of her winnings.  If she hadn't received that free pass to the final she would have been out on her ass weeks ago so she owes Pauline big time.  Somehow I can't see that happening though.  Despite Helen's tears it was clear that she blames her bad behaviour on everyone else.  They caused her to act like a dick and a bully.  It was Danielle/Mathew/Jalé/Ashleigh's fault that she got 14 warnings in 4 days. Today it's always someone else's fault.  Society, environment, the Government, the Police, parents.  There's no self awareness or responsibility for their actions.  That's what I love about Big Brother.  It's a social commentary and psychological experiment disguised as a frivolous game show for the great unwashed. So Helen's out with money to burn.  Wilmslow WAGs better watch their backs.

And now for something completely different.  Well not really.  The first 'celebrity' into the house on Monday was the infamous white Dee.  A vision in figure hugging, grey poly-cotton and a Phil Oakey haircut.  This woman's claim to fame is the fact that she's not worked for years.  Yes that's a career option in 21st century Britain and when it brings fame and fortune it does seem like a bloody good choice. The BB producers know their audience and so Dee was given plenty of airtime with a launch night task to pass herself off as the Duchess of Solihull.  They might as well of handed her a golden ticket to the final.  To be fair she did a good job and the makeover was impressive but did they not spot the tattoos on her ankle?  Only an American would think nothing of a member of the Royal Family having a packet of Lambert & Butler stashed in their bra.

Macho ballroom king, James Jordan was next.  Sacked from Strictly for being too opinionated, I bet he's gonna be trouble.  Minus his Ola I wonder if he'll be offering up his Rumba in the bedroom over the next few weeks.  The first #hotmale

James was followed by Claire King off of Emmerdale.  She came over all house hostess but I'm sure it won't be long before Kim Tate resurfaces and the smiling Yorkshire assassin starts plotting to get rid of her fellow housemates.  Great tits.

Another hottie! Someone called David who's the current beau of Kelly Brook.  She seems to be going down the celebrity boyfriend ladder and this is probably her attempt to get him off the Z list and up to at least T or R by the end of the month.  Far too bouncy, lumpy and pumped for my liking.  Having sex with David would be like shagging a sack of potatoes on a Blackpool tram.

Poor Kellie Maloney should have tried walking in those shoes before she took to the runway.  Bless her.  I can't decide if she's really brave for going on the show or just plain stupid.  For someone who's only been living as a woman for such a short period of time she looked great.  Lauren Harries must be raging.

Kellie's mate Audley looked really surprised to see her but his reaction was priceless.  'So you obviously thought about this for a long time and the only thing you could come up with was Kellie'  A perfect comment for a situation that could have been awkward.  Nice one Audley.

Lauren Goodger.  Poor girl has a permanent selfie pout on her face.  What on earth was she wearing?  She looked like a bowl of Ben & Jerry's that's been left out of the freezer too long.  I reckon she might be first out which is a shame because I'm sure she's a nice girl but will forever be remembered for being the bane of poor Mark Wright's life on TOWIE.  Isn't it funny how Mark Wright could be a complete cheating bastard and yet it was always long suffering Lauren who came in for the most stick on social media sites and in the press.

Lovely George off Gogglebox was next.  Now for me he's got more charm and couch appeal than Mark Wright or any of that TOWIE lot.  He might be squeaky but you gottta love a man with no pants who loves his Mum.

Fresh from the Big Reunion it's her off Bewitched.  Edele always seemed like a bitch to me.  Like an Irish Diana Ross who thought she was better than the other girls in the band.  She probably was but Diana had Berry Gordy as a mentor, she had Louis Walsh. C'est la vie.

Oh FFS not another Geordie Shore wannabe!  Rubbish Ricci.  Sorry I can't even be bothered to comment.

And another Reality TV 'star'.  Keeping it in the family we have Spencer Pratt's sister.  Stephanie's gone from The Hills to Chelsea to Borehamwood.  That sounds like Kelly Brook's boyfriend journey.  Cute but jet-lagged.  I'm not sure she'll have the Speidi Factor.

Little Leslie Jordan!  I've loved him since Will & Grace and his massive bitch fights with Karen.  A complete legend and could be this year's Julian Clary if he can stay out of conflicts.

WTF is this????  A French pole dancer called Frenchy with a face to die for.  Truly I would rather die than have a face like that.  She looks like Plug from the Beano with cheap blonde extensions.  I'm sure she's a sweet girl but what a mess.  Reminds me of that scene in Batman when the Joker dipped Jerry Hall in that vat of toxic waste.

And finally it's Hollywood faded star, Gary Busey.  He always looked a bit crumpled and crazy but the years haven't been kind.  He scares me. I hope they have good security on hand as I don't think it will be long before Gary's demons are unleashed.

A great bunch of housemates again and I'm obsessed already but I can't help thinking they should do a version of Celebrity Big Brother for famous people.

The Last Night of the Plums

So here we are.  It's the final night of a series that's mirrored our British summer.  Clammy, inconsistent and over too soon.  How the hell did we manage to land up with this motley crew in the last 6?  I'll tell you why?  Pure and simple.  The producers interfered with the format so much that we didn't really get a chance to decide for ourselves who should be our finalists.  The real people who held the power throughout were the production team.  'The Power is back' they would announce every week and in truth it never went away.  They manipulated the housemates, the nominations and the viewers so much that the series became more like a scripted reality show than ever before.  There were so few 'normal' eviction weeks that the heart of the show was ripped out.  The game was fixed and it was like playing Twister with the cast of Cirque du Soleil.  Evicted housemates wouldn't go away and were shoe-horned back into the house at every opportunity for the flimsiest excuses to make the most of their cast.

In the end their machinations completely back-fired and they lost all their big characters except the hideous Helen and that was only because of her golden ticket to the final.  They meddled so much that there's a strong chance that the Bolton Bitch will walk a way with the title and a 100 grand.  If last year's CBB is the new benchmark then the sort of people who voted for Jim Davidson to win will have hideous Helen's number on redial this week as a vote for the 'common' man (woman). Today's working class heroes seem to be nasty, good for nothing sorts.  Being open and honest is confused with being a complete rude bitch.  What you see is what you get roughly translates to being an aggressive bully.  The salt of the earth have lost their hearts and aspirations are set low and mean.

A couple of weeks ago I thought our winner would either be a Scouse Ewok in jeggings or the bouffant buffoon.  It's now a race between the controlling ex prostitute and a truculent teenager.  I'm rooting for the body dysmorphic queen wearing Rylan Clark's spare set of teeth.

I'll be back...........

Game of Drones

OK so let me just say from the get-go that I thought the opening ceremony of the Glasgow Games was amazing.  By London 2012 standards they had a meagre budget but bloody hell did they put on a show.  I was so envious of my colleagues up there on the night but the atmosphere and warmth really came through to this viewer sat in a steamy Croydon semi.

The whole evening was brash, quirky and opinionated.  Just like a Glaswegian.  You can catch two of my favourites on The Janey Godley podcast every week.  Like Janey & Ashley, the opening ceremony was full of Scottish pride, heart and self deprecating humour.  A genuine welcome to the banks of the Clyde.

That said there were some right clangers during the evening.  What sadist set Susan Boyle up for a fall with that dreadful McCartney dirge.  Mull of fucking Kintyre has to be the worst bagpipe anthem ever written and was completely wrong for the Blackburn diva.  As soon as she opened her gob you knew she wasn't happy with this trite shite.  The nerves kicked in and she stumbled over the words and lost her pitch for the rest of the verse.  I bet she was raging back stage and throwing bottles of Irn Bru at her entourage. Her Maj and Phil must have thought they'd got a turn from the Maryhill TA Social Club.  This wasn't the dream Subo dreamed.  It was a palm sweating nightmare.

John Barrowman wasn't much better.  All contrived accent and mincing around with some Tunnock's tea cakes.  Why couldn't we have had Lulu or Sheena Easton or even the bloody Krankies?

Rod Stewart did a turn but whilst his raspy delivery used to sound quite sexy in 1978, it's just a croaky old man now who sounds like he needs some Benylin and a packet of Strepsils.

Glasgow didn't need these big yins.  The Flash mob in George Square was the highlight for me.  Just real people, on the streets, having a good time.  Oh and the little Scottie dogs leading the athletes into the stadium was inspired.  G'on yersel Glasgeh!

After losing 3 housemates last week the Big Brother house was a bit shaken.  Pav and Zoe tried to settle in while Steven had a bit of a Britney Spears meltdown after the loss of his 'poor cow'.  His game plan was scuppered so he painted his face, waxed his pubes and shaved all his hair off to keep the focus on him. His needy lust was transferred to a stuffed robot.  Now there's irony for you.  He thought he looked the bees knees in his blue task trackies but it was more Bulgarian wrestling coach than street chic.  Steven Goode proves that money can't buy you style.  He's just a massive bell-end with a fat wallet.

The Power returned to the house with Ashleigh, Chris and Mark calling the shots.  Bianca, Matthew and Danielle planted some bitter seeds of doubt about Pav & Zoe but they were always safe as we now had our opportunity to evict selfish Steve. I suspect Pav won't last past next Friday.  He's just plain dull.  I'd rather watch Lauren Goodger's sex video.

Good games in Borehamwood this week as the housemates showed of their vocal talents in a sing-off that had my cringe glands swelling up again.  Maybe Subo, Rod & Captain Jack weren't that bad after all.

Thank goodness Mark got some negative crowd reaction this week.  He's so up himself and condescending.  I'm tired of his hissy fits and attention seeking now.  It's a pity he can't see his crumbling support in his own tea leaves.

Helen and Ash crossed a line this week and had something more than a friendly spoon under the duvet.  Helen is clearly besotted with the Mancunian Macho Man but I don't think his Mum needs to be worrying about buying a new hat any time soon.

In other news. Steven is out and Ashleigh brushed her hair.

Oh and Kimberly turned up on BBBOTS looking remarkably fit and healthy but still madly in love with Steven.  She must have a mental illness.

The Three Horsemen of the Apocalypse

So poor old Vince McMahon is in the shit.  The WWE is going down the pan after 30 years of dominating professional wrestling and turning it into a money spinning circus. WWE is the Redneck version of TOWIE, Geordie Shore & The Hills.  It's just a scripted soap opera.  Reality TV for beer swilling hillbillies.  Bring back Big Daddy and Giant Haystacks.

On this side of the pond we had our very own Smackdown playing out in Borehamwood as Marlon paid the price for his cowardly deed.  Ousted in his pants through the back door. Monday Night Raw.  A fitting end to a fairly superfluous housemate.

This is Armageddon week, which in Big Brother World meant that housemates lost their kettle, hair straighteners and jacuzzi.  Mark had a hissy fit and Danielle was outraged at being asked to eat something out of a tin.  Bear Grylls this lot ain't.  The housemates were forced to fight for food in a sewer and build a life raft from garbage.  Danielle was raging again as her team failed to bag enough rotting fish and she sank like a stone on her team's raft.  They should have used her breasts as ballast.  Those Mothers could have raised the Costa Concordia.

Hard times seemed to bring Mark and Christmas closer and after a couple of shandies they had a bit of a moment behind the rice and lentils.  I doubt it will last.  Christopher is already shocked by how much time Mark can spend talking about eyebrows.  His conversation is about as stimulating as watching test cricket.

To make the end of the world even less enjoyable Big Brother threw in some new housemates.  Three cats amongst the tatty old pigeons.  Now Essex gets a lot of stick for it's shallow culture but they plumbed new depths with Biannca.  All thick hair, thick fake tan, thick white teeth and a thick waist.  Just thick really. More JJ's Basildon than Sugar Hut. Within minutes she'd got her boobs out, threatened to sit on Winston's cock and ride him into the rubble.  This apparently is called banter these days amongst the Magaluf set.  Little wonder that men are losing respect for women and confused about their role.

Pav is also from Essex but comes over as a power mad nerd.  Like someone who plays World of Warcraft and knows how to sideload Android applications onto their Google Nexus.  Small and shifty.  This boy is out to win and take down anyone who stands in his way.

OMFG it's only Zoe Birkett off of Pop Idol!  This woman is more of a celebrity than some ex-CBB housemates.  What on earth is she doing on here?  Did she get her dates mixed up and arrive too early?  Zoe hasn't changed since she was beaten in to 4th place by Will, Gareth & Darius 12 years ago.  Shame about her choice of kecks though.  She looked like she was wearing two rolls of Linda Barker wallpaper.

The inevitable paranoia set in and worst hit was Danielle.  Her prim and proper persona was about to unravel as Biannca went for the jugular and revealed her secret lifestyle to the house.  Danielle's cover was blown and no amount of tears and back-peddling could convince her housemates that she's not used to prancing around in her undies showing her lady off.

As the squalor continued we also had the ongoing squalid romance of Steven and Kimberly. Steven was determined to interrogate the newbies to find out why the public hate him and when he found out it was due to his controlling personality and shagging Kim he blamed her again for making him look bad.  His constant badgering drove her to tears which of course made him even more angry as she was making him look like a dick.  I didn't think I could detest a housemate more than BB5's Jason Cowan but I was wrong. Kim also discovered that Steven had said that he'd shag someone in the house to help him win the 100 grand.

Kimberly conveniently acquired a mystery illness and disappeared up the stairs like Tracy Barlow Mk 2.  Will she re-appear with a new face and a personality?  For her sake I hope she leaves the country before 'sensitive' Steven is evicted.  

Steven didn't seem remotely bothered about Kim's departure.  The words that fell from his mouth were completely at odds with his body language.  In fact he was more concerned that her  illness was adding to his stress about his eviction night.  He did ask Big Brother to tell Kim that he loves her very very much as tore into a sandwich and a spray of spit and ham hit the Diary Room camera.  2 Second Steve took more time savouring his snack than he did pleasuring his bed partner.  

After 4 days of acting like a slut bucket it was Biannca that felt the wrath of the viewers and out she went with her bra round her neck and the crowd booing her breasts.  I'm sure it won't be the last we hear of her.  The Daily Star were probably on the phone Friday night.

So with no Kim, and Pav having the hots for Ashleigh, the newbies eviction choice was Danielle and her dual personalities.  They both left the house in a hideous purple slit dress that looked like a Shirley Bassey costume from a fancy dress shop.

With Armageddon over and Danielle cast into hell, she'll have plenty of time to consider what went wrong and how her own Book of Revelations ended her Big Brother experience.

p.s. Does anyone know where I can get a Designer Penis?  I can't find one on the Ralph Lauren website.

Fatal Attraction

I love you Big Brother.  I really love you.  I will never leave you.  I'm pissed off with you but I love you.  I will be with you forever.  Tell me you will never leave me.  Promise me you will be with me always!  I can't live without you.

It seems like an age since Terrible Toya was shown the door for being a complete bitch.  Let me tell you Toya.  You may have a law degree but a tabloid career in Nigeria and a bad attitude doesn't give you the right to look down your big nostrils at the other housemates.  Simply delusional with a massive chip potato wedge on her shoulder.  If she took her own advice she might be a nicer person.  Just calm the fuck down!

Toya's legacy was to split the house even more and isolate Ashleigh and Danielle.  Danielle was accused of flip flopping.  I think that was a euphemism for something she does on her web-cam show.  The surly pair retreated to the bedroom and concocted an evil plan to get Ash out of the house.  Ashleigh was dead chuffed with herself as she twiddled with her teddy.  Has she never watched the show before?  Pride comes before a fall and her master plan went tits up.

Ash survived the plotting and next to get the chop was Matthew and his hairy shoulders. I was surprised that he fell so soon as he was the only person to stand up to Helen and not wilt under the torrent of abuse.  Maybe it was those cheap vests and the bushy deltoids that put the public off?  He was a bit morose and static though.  The most animated thing about him was his jumpy eyebrows.  They were like two slugs on a trampoline as he anxiously awaited his fate.

In the aftermath, the coupling started in earnest.  Ash and Helen flirted like a couple on a Blackpool Stags & Hens weekend.  All talk and no action. More Chemistry than Biology & Physics.

However Danielle was on heat.  These Catholic girls are the worst.  A couple of hail Mary's and a chat in the confession box and God will forgive any fleshy sins.  After a couple of lager and limes she was purring and stretching over the kitchen worktop in an attempt to excite a bemused Winston.  Luckily for Danielle it was clear that Winston wasn't attracted to this pussy so she won't be needing Big Brother to get her a priest any time soon. Winston pissing on her passion was awkward but by no means the most gut churning match up in the house.

Steven & Kimberly.  Oh God where do I start?  Steven Goode is bad!  A dreadful, controlling man whose wooing techniques amount to gripping his girl in a headlock and making her feel bad about herself.  Steven was voted the biggest gentleman in the house by the rest of the gang.  This makes me sad that none of them can see what a domineering and selfish creep he actually is.  He's a master manipulator.  When he cried on Pauline's breasts after being up for eviction in week two, everyone was sucked in by his niceness.  Since then he's worn Kimberly down by his constant attacks on her character whilst smothering her with his 'love' and clammy clutches.  There's nothing cuddly or romantic about his physicality with her. Kimberly started the series as what appeared to be a strong, independent woman but he's broken her down to the point where he can demand that she 'Opens it' in bed.  She obeys silently.  Uncomfortable viewing and something I'm sure will hit a nerve with a lot of UK women.  Whilst coercing her into planning their marriage and a life together he started to destroy any links to her life before Big Brother.  He told her in no uncertain terms that she must never, ever speak to her ex boyfriend again.  He then cajoled her into destroying a couple of Polaroids of his rival from her personal scrapbook and once again she submitted and apologised for making him feel angry.  Her reward for her obedience was to lie back and think of England while he rolled on top of her and emptied his scrotum in her for about 20 seconds.  Seems like he can't control where it counts. There was nothing about love in this selfish act.  It was a quick wank without the any wrist effort.  A gentleman?  Gentlemen don't finger and shag someone they profess to love on national TV.  I'm not saying Kimberly is blameless but I've seen so many women & men like her crumble under the powerful assault of an insecure, controlling man.  Hopefully his days are numbered and she'll come to her senses.

Another insecure, spoilt brat showed his true colours this week as Marlon saved his own skin in the shopping task and avoided eviction.  He decided that betraying his friends and losing the food budget was a great idea.  It may have postponed the inevitable but his cowardice has turned the whole house against him and given everyone a good reason to nominate him next week.  I'll be glad to see the back of that Bianca Jackson silver jacket and ill-fitting baseball cap.  He won't be missed.  In fact his act of betrayal is about the only thing of significance that he's done in a month.  Don't worry mate.  There's gonna be a queue of 'talent' waiting to give you a hand job in the toilets of Yate's in Croydon when you get out.

Someone who will be missed is Slugsworth.  Sorry I mean Jale.  I really liked Jale but, like the movie Mean Girls, she got sucked into Helen's court and went from good egg to bad seed recently and now I'm not sure which was the real Jale.  I had a feeling that the viewers would be thinking the same as me but during her interview with Emma we saw the old Jale who was just a down to earth bird who was out to enjoy the Big Brother experience.  We'll miss ya maggot.

Armageddon next week.  Can't wait for Monday.  Let's hope one of the new housemates is Kimberly's ex and she gets a more satisfying shag :-)

I wanna know what porn is...

So the England World Cup campaign fizzled out again with the worst performance in years.  An unsurprising let down from a bunch of overpaid egos.  It's a sad reflection of the game today that Harry Redknapp revealed that a lot of players will do anything to get out of playing for their country.  Happy to stay at home counting their obscene wage packets rather than risk being shown up on an international stage with 3 lions on their shirts.  There doesn't seem to be any pride or passion about playing for your country anymore.  International caps used to be a badge of honour but today it's all about earning power and image and why would you bother to expose yourself in the World Cup and run the risk of being rumbled.

England's new sponsors

Part of England's downfall can be laid on the shoulders of Luis Suarez.  The toothy Uruguayan striker's 2 goals sealed their fate early on.  Just to rub salt into the hand that feeds him he declared that his goals were sweet revenge for the criticism he's received in England.  That would the criticism for racial abuse and biting other players.  See this is what happens when you pay numb skulls lots of money and idolise them like Gods.

Talking of numb skulls......what another great week in the Big Brother House.

The new Power Housemate was Chris, the droll Ewok.  His secret task was to nominate the housemates for eviction and he went straight for the jugular and picked the juggernaut.  The whole house was appalled that Pol was up.  Of course Pauline knew it would be her and blamed Jale for her fate.  Self awareness isn't a skill that Mother has amongst her talents.

Next up was Slimy Steven.  Within minutes, the tough businessman was inconsolable and sobbing into Mummy's breasts.  Palpable paranoia set in and the housemates spent most of the week obsessed with the secret and horrified that someone within their midst could be so evil.  Did they all forget they were on Big Brother and nominations are just a part of the game?

The irony being that not one of them thought bad of Pauline for her killer nomination that put Jale up every week.  Nobody batted an eyelid that hapless Christopher was up but they were incensed that their Mom and her baby boy were nominated.

Ash and Marlon also felt the hand of Chris which was a bit of a surprise, as neither had really done much in the house until they perved over the girls doing their morning stretches.  Ash was gutted that there's no sluts in the house but Marlon said that, in his world, all women were sluts.  You can't condemn him.  His weekends are spent at Tiger Tiger in Croydon.

Marlon and his 'hench' man Winston have been bonding on the grass.  Doing that gym bromance thing that looks like out-takes from the Gay Joy of Sex book.  I'm still loving Winston.  He's like a reem Forest Gump in the body of an 1980s wrestler.  The housemates also have him down as a simpleton as they reacted with venom to Kim sharing the communal shower with him after the farm task.  Two young people in their swimwear having a nice chat was turned into some sordid sexual encounter by the house Mean Girls.  Head harridan Helen was the main instigator.  This moralistic bashing came from an ex-whore who sold her body for sex with a famous married man.  Winston just giggled and Kimberly rose above the fractious finger pointing.

It was so great to hear Marcus Bentley talking about the chickens during the shopping tasks.  Brought back memories of Darren and Marjorie from the very first Big Brother.  God was that really 14 years ago!

Demure Danielle continued to disappear into the background after her fire and brimstone rants from week 1.  I'm still not buying this act and my suspicions were confirmed this week when she asked her fellow housemates what porn was.  She shrieked and screwed up her nose at the explanation that followed and feigned bemusement at such things.  She's not fooling me.  I bet she's had many a Slick Biscuit and not adverse to a Boston George!

Pauline's exit on Friday didn't come as a surprise.  Even she wasn't Shocked [sic].  What followed was an epic display of arrogance and blame-shifting.  Emma and Rylan were clearly niggled by her complete lack of humility and refusal to answer a question directly.  Nobody will miss this grouchy granny apart from that silly woman on BBOTs who said 'It's a shame.  It's a black thing'.  Yes she actually said that.  A bit like Louis Walsh putting through Irish singers on X Factor.

Before Pauline's seat on the sofa had time to cool down the next Power Housemate was announced.  Hopefully they would choose someone who would restore some calm and fun to the house.  Like hell they would.  They only went and voted for Toya!  That's like replacing Grandma with the Big Bad Wolf. That girl is so ratchet.

It's gonna get bare butters :-)

I'm a lady

I need an exorcist!  I think my mouse is possessed by an evil entity.  On Friday it sent a work email to the wrong people.  Thanks God there wasn't anything contentious in there but it was almost as embarrassing as the time I pressed 'Reply All' by mistake and sent a torrent of abuse straight back to the target of my wrath.  I was about to put this down to my inability to multi-task when my online order from Sainsburys was delivered. As I emptied the orange bags I found two of nearly everything on my list.   Whilst I was dialling their Customer Service I discovered a stream of double-clicks in my trolley and my mouse had vanished.  I spotted it two hours later in the dog's bed. On Friday evening as I watched Big Brother I was making notes on here and the cursor was going crazy.  It was as jumpy as Ed Milliband's PR team after they told him that The Sun newspaper photo opportunity was a good idea. There goes the Scouse vote.  So the mouse batteries were removed and I went back to old school USB.  I'm sure I saw it move on it's own later but that might have been down to the bottle of Jacob's Creek.

What a week it's been on Big Brother.  Usually it takes a week or so for the masks to drop and the paranoia to set in.  This lot have dived straight in and it's been kicking off like an East Croydon illegal rave.

Lady Danielle was the first to lose her marbles.  The refined Scot spat her disdain at the immoral inmates at every opportunity.  Like Glasgow's answer to Moses she stormed around the house throwing her stone tablets at the unbelievers and predicted a day of reckoning for the Whore of Babylon (Helen) and her cohorts.

A lively conversation about Toya's fanny spray tipped Danielle over the edge and The Beast was awoken.  Danielle tuned into Linda Blair and let rip a volley of four letter abuse at her nemesis.  Helen rose to the challenge and they were at it like an audition for the Jeremy Kyle Show. I didn't learn that sort of language at my Sunday School.  While Jesus was carrying his cross up the hill I'm sure he didn't call the baying crowds 'F****ng Tw*ts'. Like the good Catholic girl she is - Danielle decided to ask God for his forgiveness for her behaviour and next day everything was fine.  Lady Danielle was absolved of her sins and she turned into a completely different person.  Overnight she became friendly and tolerant and faded into the background.  You'd almost think it was a game plan.  Oh and I'm not sure I understand why Toya uses feminine spray anyway.  I thought a vagina was like a self cleaning oven.

Pauline also had a major personality switch.  The public's favourite on launch night was granted The Power and boy did she accept the mantle.  Like Joan Crawford in Mommie Dearest she's ruling the house with a metal coat hanger and woe betide anyone who crosses her.  A vicious, smiling assassin who has somehow managed to recruit a group of adoring disciples and split the house.  It was a tactic that appeared to be working until she turned on Jale and Christopher with such OTT venom over minor meal time transgressions.  Some housemates became more scared of her but the cracks are showing.  After they heard the crowd chants on Friday there's a lot of damage limitation at work now.  Only Sappy Steven and Horrible Helen still seem completely on-side.

It wasn't all Mean Girls this week.  Winston and Tamara struck up a cosy friendship.  She said on her VT that she likes men who are good looking and stupid.  KERCHING!!! Flash Gordon and Dale Arden flirted all week and went on a date that ended up with some inevitable tongue action.  Could this save Tamara from an early exit?  Mystic Mark didn't think so.  He saw her exit in the Tarot cards. For a moment we thought he might really have psychic powers.  Then he did a tea leaf reading and spotted an Afro hairstyle so predicted that Marlon was the new Power Housemate.  About as psychic and Derek Acorah.

Tamara was evicted and Flash......sorry.....Winston had a wee cry in the Diary Room.  Probably thinking he'd blown his chance of a big summer romance in the Big Brother House and will need to find some other way to raise his profile.  Schoolboy error to latch onto one girl in the first week.  Ask Lee Ryan.

True to form it was the females who created the most dramas from the start while the boys sat around in the sunshine topping up their tans watching the bitches claw each others eyes out.  You could almost hear David Attenborough's commentary.

Pitbull n Boots

So before I discuss this week's Big Brother scandals and traumas I can't let the other big TV event go without a mention.  The World Cup kicked off in Brasil on Thursday but sadly the opening night was hosted by ITV and the dreadful Adrian Chiles.  The man is a buffoon and I have no idea how he manages to remain as anchor to ITV's football coverage.

His pre-match conversation was focused on talking about the empty beach and ass licking his 2 Euro legend colleagues.  A real coup to get Vieira and Cannavaro but someone forgot that with 3 thick accents on the panel, the banter wasn't going to flow.  It was like some Brit abroad trying to ingratiate himself with the local waiters.  They were confused.  We were confused and poor Lee Dixon on the end wasn't sure why he was there.

Outside we had Ian Wright.  His opening question to a deserted beach was 'I wonder why it's called Sugar Loaf Mountain?'  Seriously mate.  That was the best line you could come up with.  4 years to prep and you actually said that.  Next he hugged a German surfer but the questions didn't get any better 'So you reckon you have a good shot?'  Things can only get better....right?  Wrong!

The opening ceremony started with a half empty stadium.  It looked like the stewards were filling up seats with staff and shifting them around to make the place look busy.  The Brazilians must have known it was gonna be a shocker and decided to give it a wide berth until the match started.  Two words spring to mind.  Cheap & Nasty.  Was Katie Price their Artistic Director?  The anti-climax started with some old Brazilian pop princess in a sparkly leotard and blue ankle socks.  Then they brought out the big guns. Pitbull and J-Lo.  Well I say they brought them out but the stage lift broke down so they had to clamber out of a big hole before the vocals on the backing track kicked in.

Jen checked for snags on her tights, straightened her poison ivy minge strap and flashed a smile.  After a couple of Ola Olas it dawned on everyone that the sound had been turned down and the Latino Superstars were being drowned out by the crowd noise.  They carried on bravely but you could tell that J-Lo wasn't happy.  Love don't cost a thing but it's worth forking out for a good sound engineer.  The President of the International Olympic Committee must have been crying into his Beck's at this point.

ITV then cut to an ad break and never bothered to go back.  Just as I was starting to love the shambolic mess, they brought back Adrian Chiles.  He filled time with his inane and pointless chatter about it getting dark outside and more fawning over Vieira and Cannavaro. Not sure if it was his Brummy accent or the banal questions but Patrick & Fabio seemed to be answering completely different questions.  Lee Dixon was just happy to make up the numbers and who can blame him.

I guess ITV know that the Beeb will thrash them and this car crash just filled in time between the adverts. The beautiful game turned into an ugly mess.

Finally the football started and I switched over to Big Brother.

No Flowers of Scotland

No.  I'm not talking about the Scottish independence vote. That's far too serious and worrying to be covered in this irreverent nonsense.  The fate of my beloved homeland will no doubt be decided by a load of people who have no clue about the economical and social implications and treat it as though they're voting for an X Factor winner. I'm still undecided and will probably not really grasp the gravity of my choice on the day.  There are some things that really shouldn't be left to chance when lives and a nation's future are at stake. A public that voted for Jim Davidson to win Celebrity Big Brother have no right to decide on Scotland's journey.  That's not democracy, it's a travesty.

No.  I'm talking about the how the producers on Big Brother seem unable to find a remotely personable housemate from a land that is full of friendly, funny folk with passion and big hearts.  Every year we have wonderful Welsh characters, gregarious Geordies and cheeky Cockneys.  So why do we always have to suffer dour Scottish housemates who are about as likable as Chlamydia.  Sandy, Lynn, Federico, Jason, Shahbaz, Mikey, Dennis and now Danielle.  More on her later.  Come on BB. Gi's a brek! Try and find us someone we can feel proud of and more representative of a warm and passionate people.

So on to launch night 2 and the promise of a game-changing twist.  I had a horrible feeling that Emma might be over-selling this historical revelation.

OK so first out of the eye on Friday was Toya without an H.  She's a video blogger whose uploads appear to be attacks on her old boyfriends.  Don't scorn this woman unless you want to find your best Calvin's on eBay and your inability to find a clitoris being shared on You Tube.  Not quite sure why she was wearing a pink cupcake.

Could it be a hot Beckham look-a-like next.  No.  It's Samwise Gamgee off Lord of the Rings.  Chris is a miserable out of work actor who's polite and hates teamwork.  He'll fit in a treat.

Subtitle time.  Nor'n Ir'n veggie Ashleigh is another model but no business acumen suggested here.  She works in a clothes shop and re-homes cats on a Derry council estate. Pretty girl but what the hell was she wearing on her feet?  Her shoes looked like the topping off Toya's cupcake.

Ash sauntered down the runway next showing off his catwalk skills and trousers at half mast.  He's a tall lad so maybe the shop had run out of 34" inside leg.  A lazy Lothario who women can't say no to.  I can see the appeal but a bit too Miami Nice for my taste.  I bet he turns out to be a shy Mummy's boy.

Marlon is a local lad and one of Croydon's finest.  Values possessions more than love and would rather live a lonely life than suffer the humility of an old car and Barrett's shoes.  At least he doesn't have a contrived urban accent so the jury's out on this one.

The last one in was Jale.  A Turkish delight in a red duvet.  A disruptive call centre worker who has to meditate twice a day to control her aggression.  Intolerant and incapable of sharing her life with other people and hated by most of the human race since her schooldays.  Sounds like she'll be a perfect housemate.

Once all 16 were safely in the house, Emma dropped the bombshell.  All powerful Pauline was given the task of handing one of her housemates a free ticket to the final.  Not exactly the earth shattering news we were expecting and a rubbish 'twist'.  Big Brother is all about nominations and the public voting to save/evict the housemates.  Pauline chose Helen for some obscure reason and now she's basically out of the game and won't have a true Big Brother experience.  I think this is a lame decision and spoils things for Helen and the viewers.  Call me old fashioned.......

Quote of the week goes to Mark who, during the Least/Most task, asked his fellow housemates 'what does obnoxious mean'? He clearly didn't watch back his time on Channel 4's Shipwrecked.

And so to Danielle.  This year's entry for the Worst Scottish Housemate Award.  Despite a shady background in Web Cam Services and lurid press stories, she's spent the last 2 days telling everyone at every opportunity about her Christian morals and lady-like behaviour.  It all got too much for her when the gang dropped a few F-bombs whilst discussing the definition of a loose vagina.  That's a high-brow debate in the Big Brother House don't ya know!  Tears and tantrums followed and to make matters worse she was voted the Most Judgemental by her new housemates.  A manipulative attention seeker with a lack of self awareness.  She'll probably win the bloody thing!

Might Be Minging Power Strangers

It's back!

A summer of watching a load of egotistical jessies running around in their shorts under the floodlights and whipping their tops off at every opportunity.  No I don't mean Big Brother.  I'm talking about the 2014 World Cup.  Don't get me wrong.  I love a good footie match but 4 weeks of blanket prime time coverage with every match being mulled over by a load of sweaty pundits in Armani suits isn't my idea of TV Gold.  I'd rather give myself a Brazilian with a set of rusty tweezers than watch Adrian Chiles chewing his fat over the Iranian front 4.

Armchair pundits on Twitter are far more entertaining.  Social media discussions can definitely enhance the boredom of 90 minutes of ITVs exclusive coverage of Ghana's Group G challenge.  Having said that we need much less ball by ball commentary on Twitter.  Put your smartphones down FFS. Those of us who are interested are actually watching the match and don't need you filling up our timelines every 30 seconds.  That is as pointless as trying to have a reasonable debate with the YES vote extremists for Scottish independence or the UKIP party manifesto.

Thankfully those of us not obsessed with dribbling Prima Donnas can enjoy the summer in the company of Emma, Ryan and Ian and the class of 2014 in the revamped Big Brother House.  On launch night Emma looked stunning in a white catsuit more luminous than Rylan's teeth and not even a hint of a camel toe.  Emma could wear a Morrison's bag-for-life and look elegant.

So first to step out of the eye was Tamara.  A ruthless headhunter who hates glamour model types.  She said this with her tits hanging out whilst boasting that she enjoys a Man Buffet.  About as classy as Louisa Zissman.

Up next was a camp, Scouse window dresser called Mark in a yellow blazer.  Imagine the love child of Marcus off X Factor and Eurovision's Conchita Wurst but more Tweetie Pie than a Phoenix.  Left school with a GCSE in Lunch.  Well I guess that's more useful than General Studies or Latin. Apologies to my Merseyside mates but that affected voice was pissing me off before he even got to the top of the stairs.

Number 3 was Helen.  A Northern beauty therapist with a shady past.  No I have no idea who she is either. Oh hang on.  Is she the one who gave Wayne Rooney a BJ?  Shouldn't she be on Celebrity Big Brother ;-)

Millionaire Steven wants to be a future Prime Minister.  Personally I think all our potential PMs should go on Big Brother so we can see the real people beneath the waxy facades.  Steven has an uncanny resemblance to BB's Ian Lee.  Poor sod!  Wants to show us his soft side. Could be a limp dick.

I was wondering when the hideous Scot would turn up and right on cue we get Danielle.  A homophobic God botherer who claims to have high morals but works as a lingerie model and sold a story to the press about the size of BB Dexter's willy.  That doesn't sound very Christian to me.

Winston, all grin and guns, bragged that he's a bit smarter than the usual Essex boys.  Joey Essex and James Argent are a pretty low benchmark mate.  Cheeky chappy and easy on the eye.  Hope he's packed some Speedos.

Miserable Matthew is a posh Jewish boy with landscaped eyebrows.  Sounds like Julian Clary and has more makeup than the Avon lady but he's not gay.  Honest, he has a girlfriend although she could be his second beard.  Apparently he's scared of boats but not sure why that fact was relevant to his current status.  Maybe Big Brother have a sailing task lined up for the new pool.

Here comes another bloody model/business woman.  Is there a Uni that does degrees in Katie Price? Kimberly claims to be a closet genius.  Somehow I think her genius will remain well hidden throughout the summer.  I bet Lee Ryan will be all over her like a rash at the wrap party.

Irish Christopher was raised on a farm and looked a bit like a lamb to the slaughter.  He's a semi-journalist with a lovely smile and come to bed eyes.  However he's a fan of Katie Hopkins and a secret ginger. I just lost my semi.

Last but definitely not least we have rapper Pauline.  Most down to earth HM of the night.  Love her.  Not sure a white catsuit with netting was a good choice for someone with those thighs and a fat back mind.

More housemates on the way.  I bloody love this show.

The Only Way is Borehamwood.

Dancing on Thin Ice

So that's it folks.  Torville & Dean have danced their last Bolero and not before time. The iconic routine used to fill me with rising emotions but recently I just worried that Chris would drop Jane on her head or get stuck in the splits and have to be airlifted from Borehamwood in a rescue helicopter.  At least Jane Torville's been taking health & safety advice and now performs with a crash helmet hairdo that's been dipped in concrete.  There's no doubt that our Ice King and Queen are two of the most beloved sports stars of the last 30 years but I really don't want to see them doing Bolero in wheelchairs.

Dancing on Ice was a brilliant concept.  It was Strictly Come Dancing with danger.  Celebrities, blades and blood.  The prospect of Bonnie Langford having her head caved in or Andi Peters losing a hand or two has kept us glued to our Sunday evening screens for 9 years.  However, like Strictly, it's a format that's become tired and the thrills are as thin as the ice now.

So what is the legacy of this once great family favourite?

For a show that produced many polished performances it's not the great dances we'll remember.  It's Todd Carty bumbling his way across the ice with a terrified look on his face and crashing out in the competitors tunnel.  How can we forget Keith Chegwin's brave attempts to get Olga's legs behind his ears and Lauren Goodger being dragged round the ice like an Eskimo's dinner.

DOI's outrageous costumes were like an explosion at the Mardi Gras Carnival but the weekly wardrobe highlight was always Holly's tits.  The series lost two of it's biggest assets when she left. The stringy bit of fluff from Norn Iron was never going to fill those cups.

The judging panel didn't have a Len or a Simon.  Instead we had to suffer an acidic balding queen whose highlights were comparing Sharon Davis to human sewage and being offensive to Head Coach Karen Barber.  Shame Tim Healy didn't smack him in the face when he was being vile about Denise Welch.  A talentless waste of space who looks like he's always got a bad smell under his nose.  Wave your hair and your prime time TV days goodbye Mr Gardiner.

Philip has been looking like he could do with a good rest recently.  ITV are getting their pound of his pasty flesh but since he lost his Holly he just seemed to be going through the motions.  It wasn't helped by the lack of on screen chemistry with Christine bleedin' Bleakley.  The woman is about as cold as the studio floor.  So ITV now have a Schofield-free day to fill in their schedules. I hope they let the poor man have a bit of a break before they launch their next Sunday evening shenanigans.  Celebrity Curling anyone?

I wouldn't be at all surprised if his next on screen wife is Susanna Reid when they discover she hasn't set the morning ratings alight after defecting from the BBC for an obscene pay packet. Will they never learn?  Surprised they haven't asked Philip and Holly to start 4 hours earlier during the week.  They could have a lie down when Lorraine and Jeremy Kyle are on.

Tonight they crowned the Champion of Champions and there was little tension as the arrogant little Scouser lifted the trophy.  I say trophy but it was more like a cheap vase from IKEA Market Place.  Ray Quinn was clearly the best skater on the show but he's a charmless man who looks like a schoolboy on steroids.

So that was it.  The end of Dancing of Ice.  Perhaps 2 years late but in it's day it was great family entertainment in a perfect time slot.  Next week it's Catchphrase :-(

American Horror Story

You can keep your Real Housewives OC/Atlanta/New Jersey/Beverly Hills.  The REAL American housewife is Georgia's Mama June from TLC's Here Comes Honey Boo Boo.  A robust redneck who actually has a red neck due to the constant rubbing of her many chins.  Hubba Hubba!

June is a 21st century Southern Belle-tent. She lives in a hog pen, next to a railway siding, with her litter of piglets.  She can't work due to a condition called 'fork lift foot'.  An accident at the local  Piggly Wiggly has left her with dead toes infested with silverfish.  Thankfully the rotting appendage is kept well hidden in an old trainer sock that hasn't ever seen the inside of a washing machine.  Shame she doesn't have any coupons for Dettol or Scholl foot powder in her vast collection.  Even Dr Christian from Embarrassing Bodies would struggle to hold down his lunch.

Her baby piglet is a frightful pageant princess who lives on a diet of cold hot dogs and spaghetti with ketchup and butter sauce.  Alana's pageant talent seems to involve farting and rubbing her flabby belly at the stony faced judges like a vertically challenged stripper.  Think Shirley Temple on crack cocaine.

There's two sisters called Pumpkin and Chubbs and they are the living embodiment of the expression 'you are what you eat'.  Mama June feeds her guzzling girls from a trough.  Well it's actually something she calls a Multi-Meal.  It consists of grabbing anything and everything from the fridge and throwing it in a huge tin foil roasting dish with butter, BBQ sauce and full fat mayo.  In this house the kitchen utensils are mainly used as back scratchers or to pick up chicken droppings from the living room carpet so she mixes it all together with her bare hands. 20 minutes in a medium oven and serve with baked beans, tinned sweetcorn and more butter.   Nigella she ain't.

The eldest girl is called Chickadee and somehow she's managed to maintain a petite figure despite this tsunami of lard and carbs.  As slim blondes must be as scarce as hen's teeth in Georgia she's popular with the local teenage tom cats and delivered her own kitten called Kaitlyn on Halloween before her 17th birthday.  It's the Circle of Life only more grubby than the Disney version.

Mama June got married recently to her long suffering Sugar Bear.  A small toothless miner with an obsession for garden ornaments.  It took Sugar Bear 10 years to woo his woman.  June was always playing hard to get.  I can't think why.  She wouldn't commit but he wore her down with a romantic date at Bigshow's Burgers.  She wanted Rhett Butler but got Bilbo Baggins in a baseball cap instead.

Last but not least we have Uncle Poodle.  Sugar Bear's gay brother.  A homosexual hillbilly who doesn't say much but minces around the house teaching the piglets Spice Girl dance routines and offering fashion tips like a white trash Gok Wan.

It may be an American Horror Story but I bloody love this show.  It's like The Waltons on moonshine and donuts but there's more genuine love, warmth and fun in a half hour of Honey Boo Boo than in 9 years of The Kardashians.  Mama June is the real deal and I love her pearls of wisdom and her view of the world.  There is a heart to this show that makes you root for this family despite their faults.  You laugh with them and feel touched by their simplicity.  It would be easy to watch them with an air of disdain and superiority but this is a family full of love and honesty and they just enjoy life and being with each other.  They may be poor, but in some respects they're richer than Kim, Khloe and Kourtney will ever be.

I love you Mama June x