The Circle of Strife

The world is hurting right now.  The Ebola virus is spreading. Brainwashed primitives are beheading innocent people in the name of their religion, disrupting peace amongst their fellow Arabs and threatening to attack the UK.  Russia's power mad dictator is driving Europe into crisis and the world has failed children in South Yorkshire and innocent civilians in Gaza.  So what are the top trending news articles this week in the UK?  Someone sabotaged an Arctic Roll on The Great British Bake Off and James Argent off TOWIE went 'missing' for 4 hours on Friday night.  Yes folks.  These are the burning issues that matter to our nation.  The injustice of a half melted dessert and a chubby bloke from Essex, in a shell suit, getting lost on the way to Stanstead airport. Reality TV has become our reality as we bury our heads in celebrity gossip, footballer's lifestyles and Kim Kardashian's wobbly bits.

I'm just as guilty and, like Nero fiddling while Rome burned, I've been glued to Channel 5 every night for 2 hours. This Celebrity Big Brother has been more harrowing than watching baby antelopes being slaughtered on the Serengeti plains.  It's survival of the fittest in there and I think we need the soothing tones of David Attenborough to help us through the traumatic scenes unfolding in Borehamwood amongst the pink duvets.  A pride of lions are feasting on the freaks and the feeble.

The Predators

James Jordan

King of the jungle who's in touch with his feminine side. Years of hip action and arm extensions have given him an affected mince that's at odds with his Alpha swagger and bulging biceps.  James in his micro-shorts is a telly treat but he needs to reign in the bitching and patronising comments if he's going to survive the distance.  His cold blue eyes and aggressive body language reveal his true feelings of contempt despite his attempts to appear caring and concerned.

Audley Harrison

Faded boxing champ who wants so much to be the leader of the pack but sits on the sidelines with a sneer, contemplating his fall from Olympic hero to support punchbag.  After refusing to share a foot bath with Kellie this week I think he's blown his chances of a comeback fight.  TKO.



Stephanie Pratt

Cute and playful but would slit your throat open without blinking a Lauren Goodger false eyelash. She's toying with a bemused George like a cat with a paralysed frog.  I love George but he strikes me as a man who thinks 72 hour deodorant means you don't have to shower for 3 days. Steph's sweet demeanour came crashing down this week as she berated Gary for serving her lunch after he took a dump. She had a point but it made her look like a brat.  I don't think them apples fell too far from the Speidi Tree.

Dee Kelly

Rumpled old warthog whose maternal mask is slipping each day.  I so wanted to hate this woman but to be honest she's OK.  She's taken to the role of house Mother like a duck to water and there's not even been a sniff of the panic attacks that allegedly kept her out of the workplace for years.  She's always there with a flabby hug and words of comfort for the rest of the pride but there's a sly look in her eye that suggests she wouldn't think twice about culling the competition at the first sign of weakness.  I'm sure her old Brummy neighbours would agree.

David, Ricci & George

The gormless gimps.  They just spend their days running around the garden or annoying the girls.  Poor Ricci is a broken man since David got the push and squeaky George has taken comfort in the attention of a bored Stephanie.  Somehow I can't see Steph curled up on the sofa in pink Crocs with Linda & George on the next series of Gogglebox.  Just as unlikely as George rewiring Binky's flat on Made in Chelsea.

The Prey

Gary Busey

Smelly old scarecrow with a bad attitude.  He might be deaf as a post but that's no excuse for rudeness and stinky feet. Busey has a face like someone dropped their dentures into a bowl of mashed potato.  Not only is he a major international star (his words) but we learned this week that he's been reincarnated 32 times. Apparently he fought at the Alamo and was Alexander the Great's right hand man.  Shame he never learnt about personal hygiene during all those past lives. I think the Dementia Care Home beckons.

Frenchy

Grotesque Gallic stripper with psychotic tendencies. She's like how Barbie would have turned out if she'd had a crack problem and a cheap plastic surgeon.  She had a meltdown this week and threw spaghetti all over the house. I think she was confused and thought Big Brother had delivered the wrong shade of hair extensions.


Leslie Jordan

Camp sociopath who either has a tapeworm or an unstable blood sugar level due to years of living on Jack Daniels, speed and poppers.  I loved Leslie on Will & Grace and he hasn't disappointed in the house.  His fiery feuds with Gary & Frenchy have been TV gold.  He's like a tiny hand grenade.  How can something so small explode with such hilarious spite and venom.  You really can't take his spectacular hissy fits seriously.  Sadly the GBP did and the tiny bitch was the second person to be evicted on Friday.

Lauren Goodger

Porcine pool pisser.  I like Lauren but Christ, she really needs a stylist.  It's been one frock horror after another.  The canary yellow sheath with knitted arm bands, netting and a glimpse of muff was a real shocker. She's desperate to make right mark but sitting all day with a pout and a fag on isn't going to bring in the votes.



Kellie Maloney

Oh Kellie.  What were you thinking? When the doctors said you should live as a woman as part of your psychological transformation from Frank to Kellie I'm sure they didn't expect you to take your first wobbly steps into the Big Brother House for the world to witness your wig and makeup experiments.  It takes transgender patients years to develop their feminine persona and style but you decided to jeopardise an already difficult journey by stepping into the spotlight with some dodgy wigs and the sale rack from Bon Marche.  I really wish you well but hope you're evicted soon for your own state of mind.

Claire King

Another soapy letdown. Kim Tate was sexy, spunky and spiky. Claire is more like an old pot of stewed tea. I think she's missing her horses and mugs of vodka.





Edele Lynch

What can I say about Edele?  Well she's Irish..........

I thought she'd be a right firecracker but so far she's a damp squib.  She should have gone on X Factor.  Louis would have put her through to the live shows despite her vocal limitations.  I can see him now.  Bouncing up and down and asking everyone in Ireland to pick up the phone and vote.

Talking of X Factor.  Simon is back tonight with Louis, Cheryl and Scary Spice.  Four months of tears, tantrums and a ratings war with Strictly.

World crisis......what world crisis?

3 Days Later

Well that was a big disappointment.  Mean girl, Helen Wood walked away with 100 grand thanks to a modern phenomenon. A core fan base who keep dangerous dogs, rob Poundstretcher and ring the Jeremy Kyle hotline every week.  The Vicky Pollard generation have spoken and their poster bitch took the Big Brother crown, much to the embarrassment of everyone.  Poor Emma Willis was literally speechless in her post show interview on Bit the Side.  I really hope Helen is going to give Pauline a cut of her winnings.  If she hadn't received that free pass to the final she would have been out on her ass weeks ago so she owes Pauline big time.  Somehow I can't see that happening though.  Despite Helen's tears it was clear that she blames her bad behaviour on everyone else.  They caused her to act like a dick and a bully.  It was Danielle/Mathew/Jalé/Ashleigh's fault that she got 14 warnings in 4 days. Today it's always someone else's fault.  Society, environment, the Government, the Police, parents.  There's no self awareness or responsibility for their actions.  That's what I love about Big Brother.  It's a social commentary and psychological experiment disguised as a frivolous game show for the great unwashed. So Helen's out with money to burn.  Wilmslow WAGs better watch their backs.

And now for something completely different.  Well not really.  The first 'celebrity' into the house on Monday was the infamous white Dee.  A vision in figure hugging, grey poly-cotton and a Phil Oakey haircut.  This woman's claim to fame is the fact that she's not worked for years.  Yes that's a career option in 21st century Britain and when it brings fame and fortune it does seem like a bloody good choice. The BB producers know their audience and so Dee was given plenty of airtime with a launch night task to pass herself off as the Duchess of Solihull.  They might as well of handed her a golden ticket to the final.  To be fair she did a good job and the makeover was impressive but did they not spot the tattoos on her ankle?  Only an American would think nothing of a member of the Royal Family having a packet of Lambert & Butler stashed in their bra.

Macho ballroom king, James Jordan was next.  Sacked from Strictly for being too opinionated, I bet he's gonna be trouble.  Minus his Ola I wonder if he'll be offering up his Rumba in the bedroom over the next few weeks.  The first #hotmale

James was followed by Claire King off of Emmerdale.  She came over all house hostess but I'm sure it won't be long before Kim Tate resurfaces and the smiling Yorkshire assassin starts plotting to get rid of her fellow housemates.  Great tits.

Another hottie! Someone called David who's the current beau of Kelly Brook.  She seems to be going down the celebrity boyfriend ladder and this is probably her attempt to get him off the Z list and up to at least T or R by the end of the month.  Far too bouncy, lumpy and pumped for my liking.  Having sex with David would be like shagging a sack of potatoes on a Blackpool tram.

Poor Kellie Maloney should have tried walking in those shoes before she took to the runway.  Bless her.  I can't decide if she's really brave for going on the show or just plain stupid.  For someone who's only been living as a woman for such a short period of time she looked great.  Lauren Harries must be raging.

Kellie's mate Audley looked really surprised to see her but his reaction was priceless.  'So you obviously thought about this for a long time and the only thing you could come up with was Kellie'  A perfect comment for a situation that could have been awkward.  Nice one Audley.

Lauren Goodger.  Poor girl has a permanent selfie pout on her face.  What on earth was she wearing?  She looked like a bowl of Ben & Jerry's that's been left out of the freezer too long.  I reckon she might be first out which is a shame because I'm sure she's a nice girl but will forever be remembered for being the bane of poor Mark Wright's life on TOWIE.  Isn't it funny how Mark Wright could be a complete cheating bastard and yet it was always long suffering Lauren who came in for the most stick on social media sites and in the press.

Lovely George off Gogglebox was next.  Now for me he's got more charm and couch appeal than Mark Wright or any of that TOWIE lot.  He might be squeaky but you gottta love a man with no pants who loves his Mum.

Fresh from the Big Reunion it's her off Bewitched.  Edele always seemed like a bitch to me.  Like an Irish Diana Ross who thought she was better than the other girls in the band.  She probably was but Diana had Berry Gordy as a mentor, she had Louis Walsh. C'est la vie.

Oh FFS not another Geordie Shore wannabe!  Rubbish Ricci.  Sorry I can't even be bothered to comment.

And another Reality TV 'star'.  Keeping it in the family we have Spencer Pratt's sister.  Stephanie's gone from The Hills to Chelsea to Borehamwood.  That sounds like Kelly Brook's boyfriend journey.  Cute but jet-lagged.  I'm not sure she'll have the Speidi Factor.

Little Leslie Jordan!  I've loved him since Will & Grace and his massive bitch fights with Karen.  A complete legend and could be this year's Julian Clary if he can stay out of conflicts.

WTF is this????  A French pole dancer called Frenchy with a face to die for.  Truly I would rather die than have a face like that.  She looks like Plug from the Beano with cheap blonde extensions.  I'm sure she's a sweet girl but what a mess.  Reminds me of that scene in Batman when the Joker dipped Jerry Hall in that vat of toxic waste.

And finally it's Hollywood faded star, Gary Busey.  He always looked a bit crumpled and crazy but the years haven't been kind.  He scares me. I hope they have good security on hand as I don't think it will be long before Gary's demons are unleashed.

A great bunch of housemates again and I'm obsessed already but I can't help thinking they should do a version of Celebrity Big Brother for famous people.

The Last Night of the Plums

So here we are.  It's the final night of a series that's mirrored our British summer.  Clammy, inconsistent and over too soon.  How the hell did we manage to land up with this motley crew in the last 6?  I'll tell you why?  Pure and simple.  The producers interfered with the format so much that we didn't really get a chance to decide for ourselves who should be our finalists.  The real people who held the power throughout were the production team.  'The Power is back' they would announce every week and in truth it never went away.  They manipulated the housemates, the nominations and the viewers so much that the series became more like a scripted reality show than ever before.  There were so few 'normal' eviction weeks that the heart of the show was ripped out.  The game was fixed and it was like playing Twister with the cast of Cirque du Soleil.  Evicted housemates wouldn't go away and were shoe-horned back into the house at every opportunity for the flimsiest excuses to make the most of their cast.

In the end their machinations completely back-fired and they lost all their big characters except the hideous Helen and that was only because of her golden ticket to the final.  They meddled so much that there's a strong chance that the Bolton Bitch will walk a way with the title and a 100 grand.  If last year's CBB is the new benchmark then the sort of people who voted for Jim Davidson to win will have hideous Helen's number on redial this week as a vote for the 'common' man (woman). Today's working class heroes seem to be nasty, good for nothing sorts.  Being open and honest is confused with being a complete rude bitch.  What you see is what you get roughly translates to being an aggressive bully.  The salt of the earth have lost their hearts and aspirations are set low and mean.

A couple of weeks ago I thought our winner would either be a Scouse Ewok in jeggings or the bouffant buffoon.  It's now a race between the controlling ex prostitute and a truculent teenager.  I'm rooting for the body dysmorphic queen wearing Rylan Clark's spare set of teeth.

I'll be back...........