Let it go

Oh for heaven's sake Channel 5.  Stop messing with the format and giving us your 'twists'......enough already!  When was the last time we actually had a normal week of nominations and a proper eviction?  A twist should be a gob smacking surprise but for the last couple of years the show has been messed around with so much that it would be a bloody shock if we were actually given the opportunity to evict people that had been nominated by their housemates.

Constructed reality is already a dying art as shows like TOWIE, Made in Chelsea and Geordie Shore are in their final death throes.  So why are the Celebrity Big Brother producers following this weary path instead of trusting a proven format that has kept the nation gripped for over a decade?

Their latest fiddling is so blatant and they're not even trying to be clever or discreet.  Last week they rushed through a nomination shocker in an attempt to save Perez Hilton by asking Pricey to save someone and swap them for the most boring housemate.  It didn't go quite to plan as she chose to save Katie Hopkins and put up Calum Best.  I bet they breathed a sigh of relief on Friday when fish face Douvall was sent packing.

Not wanting to leave anything to chance this week, they've come up with a real beauty.  Today they decided to pretend that Perez had walked before nominations and put him in a secret room for a few days.  Didn't see that one coming.  A secret room!  Christ that's genius.  Won't this be fun.  Actually no it won't and I bet even the other housemates will rumble this before dinner.  Lazy, dull and about as subtle as Perez Hilton in his underpants snorting cheddar.

To be fair I can see why they're worried after Katie Price failed to set the show alight.  In fact she's been like a foam party at a hospice.  Completely out of place and inappropriate.  The woman has sucked the life out of the show and has no conversation other than spewing out sordid tales of her sexual antics with her many husbands.  From fisting Alex Reid to eye watering encounters with a well hung Argentinian.  From suicides to squirting. Her kids will be so proud. Strange that she spends so much time in the Diary Room telling Big Brother that she finds it difficult talking about her relationships.   The woman is deluded with no self awareness.  She's about as interesting as counting toenail clippings.

The trouble with Katie Price is that we're not shocked or surprised by her filthy gob but it seems to be catching.  In the papers this week I was horrified to read that Eamonn Holmes and Ruth Langsford are going at it like rabbits 24/7.  Poor Eamonn is run ragged.  I almost sicked up my breakfast smoothie.

Back in the house poor Patsy is going a bit bonkers.  She's needy and neurotic and despite her meditation routine she's about as calm as a ferret on heat.  But don't worry.  She's fine because she doesn't think there's any cameras around to film her breakdown.  Phew!  That's a relief Patsy.

In other news this week, Kav had a booze fuelled meltdown in his towelling robe after deciding that Cheggers is Dr Evil.  A nasty drunk in a nasty dressing gown.  Even foul mouthed, low rent Cammi was shocked by his attack.  It was like watching Joan Crawford battering her kid with a metal coat hanger.

So Alicia Douvall lost her place on Friday in a photo finish with Perez and Nadia.  Poor Alicia. She's an odd one but I quite liked her.  She's clearly had a tough life but couldn't see that her addictions and quirks are just as selfish as the alcohol and drugs lifestyle she despises.  When she said she'd rather die than have small tits you knew she really meant that with all her being.  Such a sad message for her kids.  She was fuming when her name was called and threw daggers at Katie Price for not saving her.  Pout was in full trout as she stomped up the stairs with her frown fighting the botox.

Katie Hopkins has been sticking her incredibly big nose into everything again.  Her obsession with Perez Hilton and his back fat is really spoiling her time in the house.  I hate to admit it but I've warmed to Katie over the last 2 weeks but FFS ........

Let it go, let it go.  Perez shouldn't bother you anyway.

In other news I heard today that in Northern supermarkets they're putting security tags on packs of bacon.  Says more about the North/South divide than anything I've read in the media recently.

The Price of Fame

Well it's been a bit of an explosive week in the house this week and I'm not talking about Patsy's farts!

First we had a juiced up Jeremy Jackson trying to free Chloe's boobs in the toilet after throwing up a rum and coke.  The outrage and drama that followed was understandable but I'm sure a slap and a knee to the scrotum would have been a more appropriate response in the circumstances.  I'm not blaming Chloe for the histrionics that swept the house but it did give the housemates an opportunity to dispose of the first victim on their list of outsiders.  The first oddball out.

Next on their agenda was Ken Morley.  A crusty old relic from a thankfully bygone age who hadn't quite managed to catch on to 21st century political correctness.  Whilst I'm not defending his use of dated and racist words I did find the outrage at his sexist behaviour slightly hypocritical.  It appears to be OK for the Loose Women panel and various female mags to continually make lewd references to men's packages, bums and pecs and talk about them as sex objects but a man is hung drawn and quartered for admitting to liking the curve of a pretty girl's bum cheek.  I have a feeling that if Calum had made the same comment it would been more acceptable to those girls.  I'm suggesting it was because it came from a plump, bald old man with thick glasses that it caused such a stir.  Strange that last year's Celebrity Big Brother winner made a career out of racist and sexist humour and was hailed as the 'salt of the earth'.  This is a funny old world as long as you're cute and have a twinkle in your eye as you abuse your victims.  Not so much if you're a sweaty old man who looks like a cross between Jade Goody and Les Dawson. Misfit number 2 was ousted and the house rejoiced.  Perez Hilton cried because he felt safe again, although I'm not quite sure why he was scared of Ken.  Probably because he was taking away his airtime.  The house was in remission but there was another lump to start worrying about.

Poor Alicia Duvall.  Katie, Chloe and Cami Li ripped into her like a bunch of hyenas tearing at a rotting carcass.  To be fair her face does resemble a death mask but her only crimes seem to be a misguided surgery addiction and a love for fruit.  That was enough for the house Mean Girls and she was subjected to a full on public humiliation at every opportunity.  The Plastics, led by Katie Hopkins, were relentless and I'm surprised that Big Brother didn't intervene as they seem so concerned with acceptable behaviour in the house these days.  Their concern about individual welfare seems inconsistent but Alicia rose to the challenge and was quite capable of fighting her own battles in spite of the calculated support and shit stirring from Perez and Nadia.  The public like an underdog and Alicia was saved from the first eviction at the expense of her nemesis and Chloe #whoareyou was booted out on Friday night to a horrendous reception.  YAY!

Katie Hopkins and Perez Hilton are at each others throats every day.  Not so much a Clash of the Titans as a Fracas of the Insecure.  They've both built a career around being keyboard bitches but this is clearly a front. They're like needy children who want so much to be liked but are scared to let anyone see their insecurities behind the mask of meanness.  They are so similar that they fear the other and that's created a primeval hatred that's oozing from our screens.  A prime example last week was when Katie was ranting to Perez again and she suggested his problem was that when people tell him he's a twat he ought to listen.  Clearly she doesn't listen to her own advice. The battle lines are drawn and the other housemates need to decide which brat to back.  Perez simulating anal sex in the garden probably hasn't helped his cause. I think I'd be like Calum and Kav and just hide under my duvet until the carnage is over.

I'm still loving Michelle Visage.  OK so she might look like Bernard Bresslaw in drag but she's got that house sussed and has no agenda or personality cracks.  She's the Queen of Queens but even she's finding these people hard going.  That's really saying something after 6 years of dealing with high maintenance egos on Rupaul's Drag Race.  Good luck love.......and don't fuck it up!

Big Brother then played his trump card.  No I'm still not talking about Patsy's wind.  They only brought in another self obsessed media whore.  Yes the boring Katie Price entered the house on Friday like a foul mouthed Fairy Godmother.  Would she reveal all about her sordid marriage to the sex addicted stripper.  You bet she would.  She'd hardly been in there 5 minutes before she was holding court about being betrayed by her ugly mate who shagged her man on a Cape Verde sunbed.  I hope Kieran can keep it in house trousers for the next 3 weeks.  Wouldn't it be awful if he cheated on the old leathery bag while she's in there. Awful for us as it would give her more fodder for another bloody biography and some tedious OK exclusives.  Will we ever be rid of this vacuous trollop?

Seriously though.....is £500k really good value for an inarticulate old bag?  What can she possibly reveal in the house that we don't already know from her endless self publicity?  Is anyone really interested in this faded glamour model these days?  I don't think she's even worthy of a wank rating now she's had her silicon bags removed.  Josie Cunningham would have been more interesting!

Did I actually just type that!

A Grim Fairy Tale

BEWARE!

Be prepared for very offensive language and adult themes from the start and throughout.

That's this year's Channel 5 warning at the start of Celebrity Big Brother and the same goes for this blog with the prospect of 3 weeks of Katie Fucking Hopkins and a bedroom full of tattooed tits and muscles.

I was gonna say Happy New Year but 2015 hasn't got off to a great start.  A convicted rapist is getting offers of a big pay packet to kick a ball around for the pleasure of some knuckle dragging misogynists.  Cult loons are on the loose in Paris, murdering cartoonists.  Steve McDonald has clinical depression and Cain Dingle's got an aneurysm. James Cordon is singing again and worst of all........Katie Hopkins is in the Celebrity Big Brother House!

Can I pass on that one for now!  I've got too much to say about that stupid woman for this blog.  I'll save that for later if you don't mind.

The first 'real' housemate out of the eye was Patsy Kensit in a wrestler's cape and swearing like a trooper.  I like Patsy.  She looks like an angel but I bet she's a filthy minx.  Dead cert that she didn't use rubber gloves and Cillit Bang to give Liam Gallagher a blow job.  

Next in was Perez Hilton. The social media queen is clearly suffering from withdrawal from his iPhone.  Over active. Over bearing. Over by week 2. 

Reg Holdsworth!  He was one of my teachers at secondary school in Edinburgh.  Mr Morley was a great teacher and loved by everyone.  Quite an achievement when your dealing with a load of spotty Jocks with raging hormones who would rather be smoking Embassy Regal by the Waltzers at The Gyle Fair with skinny birds in pencil skirts.

Cami Li is apparently a tattoo model. Is that even a thing?  I'd love to be a School Careers Officer these days. Ken was keen on her body art.  It was like watching him leering at Raquel over the fish fingers at Bettabuys.

Calum Best. Tabloid hunk. His claim to fame is being the spawn of an alcoholic football player and shagging Lindsay Lohan during her chemical years.  He's got form so could do well.

Alicia Duvall was next. 350 cosmetic procedures to look like a goldfish at a Halloween party.  She claims that her whole face was removed and replaced.  Shame they put it back inside out.

Alexander O'Neal??? Wonder which celebrity chickened out? What happened to the sharp suits man? He looks more like a Nigerian mini cab driver these days in a baggy two piece and over-sized comfy shoes from the Sunday Mail supplement.  Don't mean to Criticize but If You Were Here Tonight I'd have burnt that suit and chucked the shoes in Asda's recycling skip. Hopefully we'll love him by Saturday.

Nadia Sawalha. This years loose woman and a master chef.  Could go the distance without having to get her baps out in the jacuzzi. 

Hobie from Baywatch. Jeremy Jackson is almost as deranged as his TV Dad, The Hoff.  All mad eyes and sinewy body like a young Steven Tyler in a Rita Fairclough fun fur.

Kavana is the annoying porky popster who had a meltdown on The Big Reunion due to feeling inferior to Gareth Gates and Adam Rickitt.  Doesn't bode well......does it.

Drag Hag Michelle Visage is my favourite so far. Letting her gut out as soon as she got through the door.  A woman after my own heart. One to watch.

Chloe who? So someone else not turned up then?

Last one in was the legend that is Keith 'Cheggers' Chegwin!  I wonder if he was rat arsed every Saturday morning on Swap Shop.  He was always a tad over excited and bog eyed as I remember.  The thought of him banging Maggie Philbin was more disturbing than John Craven's jumpers.

A brilliant cast (with one exception).  Let's hope this fairy tale has a happy ending and the Wicked Queen doesn't make it to the final page.

Oh and before I forget.  If Ched Evans is really looking for employment they're advertising for shelf stackers in Lidls in Croydon.  Just saying....

The Circle of Strife

The world is hurting right now.  The Ebola virus is spreading. Brainwashed primitives are beheading innocent people in the name of their religion, disrupting peace amongst their fellow Arabs and threatening to attack the UK.  Russia's power mad dictator is driving Europe into crisis and the world has failed children in South Yorkshire and innocent civilians in Gaza.  So what are the top trending news articles this week in the UK?  Someone sabotaged an Arctic Roll on The Great British Bake Off and James Argent off TOWIE went 'missing' for 4 hours on Friday night.  Yes folks.  These are the burning issues that matter to our nation.  The injustice of a half melted dessert and a chubby bloke from Essex, in a shell suit, getting lost on the way to Stanstead airport. Reality TV has become our reality as we bury our heads in celebrity gossip, footballer's lifestyles and Kim Kardashian's wobbly bits.

I'm just as guilty and, like Nero fiddling while Rome burned, I've been glued to Channel 5 every night for 2 hours. This Celebrity Big Brother has been more harrowing than watching baby antelopes being slaughtered on the Serengeti plains.  It's survival of the fittest in there and I think we need the soothing tones of David Attenborough to help us through the traumatic scenes unfolding in Borehamwood amongst the pink duvets.  A pride of lions are feasting on the freaks and the feeble.

The Predators

James Jordan

King of the jungle who's in touch with his feminine side. Years of hip action and arm extensions have given him an affected mince that's at odds with his Alpha swagger and bulging biceps.  James in his micro-shorts is a telly treat but he needs to reign in the bitching and patronising comments if he's going to survive the distance.  His cold blue eyes and aggressive body language reveal his true feelings of contempt despite his attempts to appear caring and concerned.

Audley Harrison

Faded boxing champ who wants so much to be the leader of the pack but sits on the sidelines with a sneer, contemplating his fall from Olympic hero to support punchbag.  After refusing to share a foot bath with Kellie this week I think he's blown his chances of a comeback fight.  TKO.



Stephanie Pratt

Cute and playful but would slit your throat open without blinking a Lauren Goodger false eyelash. She's toying with a bemused George like a cat with a paralysed frog.  I love George but he strikes me as a man who thinks 72 hour deodorant means you don't have to shower for 3 days. Steph's sweet demeanour came crashing down this week as she berated Gary for serving her lunch after he took a dump. She had a point but it made her look like a brat.  I don't think them apples fell too far from the Speidi Tree.

Dee Kelly

Rumpled old warthog whose maternal mask is slipping each day.  I so wanted to hate this woman but to be honest she's OK.  She's taken to the role of house Mother like a duck to water and there's not even been a sniff of the panic attacks that allegedly kept her out of the workplace for years.  She's always there with a flabby hug and words of comfort for the rest of the pride but there's a sly look in her eye that suggests she wouldn't think twice about culling the competition at the first sign of weakness.  I'm sure her old Brummy neighbours would agree.

David, Ricci & George

The gormless gimps.  They just spend their days running around the garden or annoying the girls.  Poor Ricci is a broken man since David got the push and squeaky George has taken comfort in the attention of a bored Stephanie.  Somehow I can't see Steph curled up on the sofa in pink Crocs with Linda & George on the next series of Gogglebox.  Just as unlikely as George rewiring Binky's flat on Made in Chelsea.

The Prey

Gary Busey

Smelly old scarecrow with a bad attitude.  He might be deaf as a post but that's no excuse for rudeness and stinky feet. Busey has a face like someone dropped their dentures into a bowl of mashed potato.  Not only is he a major international star (his words) but we learned this week that he's been reincarnated 32 times. Apparently he fought at the Alamo and was Alexander the Great's right hand man.  Shame he never learnt about personal hygiene during all those past lives. I think the Dementia Care Home beckons.

Frenchy

Grotesque Gallic stripper with psychotic tendencies. She's like how Barbie would have turned out if she'd had a crack problem and a cheap plastic surgeon.  She had a meltdown this week and threw spaghetti all over the house. I think she was confused and thought Big Brother had delivered the wrong shade of hair extensions.


Leslie Jordan

Camp sociopath who either has a tapeworm or an unstable blood sugar level due to years of living on Jack Daniels, speed and poppers.  I loved Leslie on Will & Grace and he hasn't disappointed in the house.  His fiery feuds with Gary & Frenchy have been TV gold.  He's like a tiny hand grenade.  How can something so small explode with such hilarious spite and venom.  You really can't take his spectacular hissy fits seriously.  Sadly the GBP did and the tiny bitch was the second person to be evicted on Friday.

Lauren Goodger

Porcine pool pisser.  I like Lauren but Christ, she really needs a stylist.  It's been one frock horror after another.  The canary yellow sheath with knitted arm bands, netting and a glimpse of muff was a real shocker. She's desperate to make right mark but sitting all day with a pout and a fag on isn't going to bring in the votes.



Kellie Maloney

Oh Kellie.  What were you thinking? When the doctors said you should live as a woman as part of your psychological transformation from Frank to Kellie I'm sure they didn't expect you to take your first wobbly steps into the Big Brother House for the world to witness your wig and makeup experiments.  It takes transgender patients years to develop their feminine persona and style but you decided to jeopardise an already difficult journey by stepping into the spotlight with some dodgy wigs and the sale rack from Bon Marche.  I really wish you well but hope you're evicted soon for your own state of mind.

Claire King

Another soapy letdown. Kim Tate was sexy, spunky and spiky. Claire is more like an old pot of stewed tea. I think she's missing her horses and mugs of vodka.





Edele Lynch

What can I say about Edele?  Well she's Irish..........

I thought she'd be a right firecracker but so far she's a damp squib.  She should have gone on X Factor.  Louis would have put her through to the live shows despite her vocal limitations.  I can see him now.  Bouncing up and down and asking everyone in Ireland to pick up the phone and vote.

Talking of X Factor.  Simon is back tonight with Louis, Cheryl and Scary Spice.  Four months of tears, tantrums and a ratings war with Strictly.

World crisis......what world crisis?

3 Days Later

Well that was a big disappointment.  Mean girl, Helen Wood walked away with 100 grand thanks to a modern phenomenon. A core fan base who keep dangerous dogs, rob Poundstretcher and ring the Jeremy Kyle hotline every week.  The Vicky Pollard generation have spoken and their poster bitch took the Big Brother crown, much to the embarrassment of everyone.  Poor Emma Willis was literally speechless in her post show interview on Bit the Side.  I really hope Helen is going to give Pauline a cut of her winnings.  If she hadn't received that free pass to the final she would have been out on her ass weeks ago so she owes Pauline big time.  Somehow I can't see that happening though.  Despite Helen's tears it was clear that she blames her bad behaviour on everyone else.  They caused her to act like a dick and a bully.  It was Danielle/Mathew/Jalé/Ashleigh's fault that she got 14 warnings in 4 days. Today it's always someone else's fault.  Society, environment, the Government, the Police, parents.  There's no self awareness or responsibility for their actions.  That's what I love about Big Brother.  It's a social commentary and psychological experiment disguised as a frivolous game show for the great unwashed. So Helen's out with money to burn.  Wilmslow WAGs better watch their backs.

And now for something completely different.  Well not really.  The first 'celebrity' into the house on Monday was the infamous white Dee.  A vision in figure hugging, grey poly-cotton and a Phil Oakey haircut.  This woman's claim to fame is the fact that she's not worked for years.  Yes that's a career option in 21st century Britain and when it brings fame and fortune it does seem like a bloody good choice. The BB producers know their audience and so Dee was given plenty of airtime with a launch night task to pass herself off as the Duchess of Solihull.  They might as well of handed her a golden ticket to the final.  To be fair she did a good job and the makeover was impressive but did they not spot the tattoos on her ankle?  Only an American would think nothing of a member of the Royal Family having a packet of Lambert & Butler stashed in their bra.

Macho ballroom king, James Jordan was next.  Sacked from Strictly for being too opinionated, I bet he's gonna be trouble.  Minus his Ola I wonder if he'll be offering up his Rumba in the bedroom over the next few weeks.  The first #hotmale

James was followed by Claire King off of Emmerdale.  She came over all house hostess but I'm sure it won't be long before Kim Tate resurfaces and the smiling Yorkshire assassin starts plotting to get rid of her fellow housemates.  Great tits.

Another hottie! Someone called David who's the current beau of Kelly Brook.  She seems to be going down the celebrity boyfriend ladder and this is probably her attempt to get him off the Z list and up to at least T or R by the end of the month.  Far too bouncy, lumpy and pumped for my liking.  Having sex with David would be like shagging a sack of potatoes on a Blackpool tram.

Poor Kellie Maloney should have tried walking in those shoes before she took to the runway.  Bless her.  I can't decide if she's really brave for going on the show or just plain stupid.  For someone who's only been living as a woman for such a short period of time she looked great.  Lauren Harries must be raging.

Kellie's mate Audley looked really surprised to see her but his reaction was priceless.  'So you obviously thought about this for a long time and the only thing you could come up with was Kellie'  A perfect comment for a situation that could have been awkward.  Nice one Audley.

Lauren Goodger.  Poor girl has a permanent selfie pout on her face.  What on earth was she wearing?  She looked like a bowl of Ben & Jerry's that's been left out of the freezer too long.  I reckon she might be first out which is a shame because I'm sure she's a nice girl but will forever be remembered for being the bane of poor Mark Wright's life on TOWIE.  Isn't it funny how Mark Wright could be a complete cheating bastard and yet it was always long suffering Lauren who came in for the most stick on social media sites and in the press.

Lovely George off Gogglebox was next.  Now for me he's got more charm and couch appeal than Mark Wright or any of that TOWIE lot.  He might be squeaky but you gottta love a man with no pants who loves his Mum.

Fresh from the Big Reunion it's her off Bewitched.  Edele always seemed like a bitch to me.  Like an Irish Diana Ross who thought she was better than the other girls in the band.  She probably was but Diana had Berry Gordy as a mentor, she had Louis Walsh. C'est la vie.

Oh FFS not another Geordie Shore wannabe!  Rubbish Ricci.  Sorry I can't even be bothered to comment.

And another Reality TV 'star'.  Keeping it in the family we have Spencer Pratt's sister.  Stephanie's gone from The Hills to Chelsea to Borehamwood.  That sounds like Kelly Brook's boyfriend journey.  Cute but jet-lagged.  I'm not sure she'll have the Speidi Factor.

Little Leslie Jordan!  I've loved him since Will & Grace and his massive bitch fights with Karen.  A complete legend and could be this year's Julian Clary if he can stay out of conflicts.

WTF is this????  A French pole dancer called Frenchy with a face to die for.  Truly I would rather die than have a face like that.  She looks like Plug from the Beano with cheap blonde extensions.  I'm sure she's a sweet girl but what a mess.  Reminds me of that scene in Batman when the Joker dipped Jerry Hall in that vat of toxic waste.

And finally it's Hollywood faded star, Gary Busey.  He always looked a bit crumpled and crazy but the years haven't been kind.  He scares me. I hope they have good security on hand as I don't think it will be long before Gary's demons are unleashed.

A great bunch of housemates again and I'm obsessed already but I can't help thinking they should do a version of Celebrity Big Brother for famous people.

The Last Night of the Plums

So here we are.  It's the final night of a series that's mirrored our British summer.  Clammy, inconsistent and over too soon.  How the hell did we manage to land up with this motley crew in the last 6?  I'll tell you why?  Pure and simple.  The producers interfered with the format so much that we didn't really get a chance to decide for ourselves who should be our finalists.  The real people who held the power throughout were the production team.  'The Power is back' they would announce every week and in truth it never went away.  They manipulated the housemates, the nominations and the viewers so much that the series became more like a scripted reality show than ever before.  There were so few 'normal' eviction weeks that the heart of the show was ripped out.  The game was fixed and it was like playing Twister with the cast of Cirque du Soleil.  Evicted housemates wouldn't go away and were shoe-horned back into the house at every opportunity for the flimsiest excuses to make the most of their cast.

In the end their machinations completely back-fired and they lost all their big characters except the hideous Helen and that was only because of her golden ticket to the final.  They meddled so much that there's a strong chance that the Bolton Bitch will walk a way with the title and a 100 grand.  If last year's CBB is the new benchmark then the sort of people who voted for Jim Davidson to win will have hideous Helen's number on redial this week as a vote for the 'common' man (woman). Today's working class heroes seem to be nasty, good for nothing sorts.  Being open and honest is confused with being a complete rude bitch.  What you see is what you get roughly translates to being an aggressive bully.  The salt of the earth have lost their hearts and aspirations are set low and mean.

A couple of weeks ago I thought our winner would either be a Scouse Ewok in jeggings or the bouffant buffoon.  It's now a race between the controlling ex prostitute and a truculent teenager.  I'm rooting for the body dysmorphic queen wearing Rylan Clark's spare set of teeth.

I'll be back...........

Game of Drones

OK so let me just say from the get-go that I thought the opening ceremony of the Glasgow Games was amazing.  By London 2012 standards they had a meagre budget but bloody hell did they put on a show.  I was so envious of my colleagues up there on the night but the atmosphere and warmth really came through to this viewer sat in a steamy Croydon semi.

The whole evening was brash, quirky and opinionated.  Just like a Glaswegian.  You can catch two of my favourites on The Janey Godley podcast every week.  Like Janey & Ashley, the opening ceremony was full of Scottish pride, heart and self deprecating humour.  A genuine welcome to the banks of the Clyde.

That said there were some right clangers during the evening.  What sadist set Susan Boyle up for a fall with that dreadful McCartney dirge.  Mull of fucking Kintyre has to be the worst bagpipe anthem ever written and was completely wrong for the Blackburn diva.  As soon as she opened her gob you knew she wasn't happy with this trite shite.  The nerves kicked in and she stumbled over the words and lost her pitch for the rest of the verse.  I bet she was raging back stage and throwing bottles of Irn Bru at her entourage. Her Maj and Phil must have thought they'd got a turn from the Maryhill TA Social Club.  This wasn't the dream Subo dreamed.  It was a palm sweating nightmare.

John Barrowman wasn't much better.  All contrived accent and mincing around with some Tunnock's tea cakes.  Why couldn't we have had Lulu or Sheena Easton or even the bloody Krankies?

Rod Stewart did a turn but whilst his raspy delivery used to sound quite sexy in 1978, it's just a croaky old man now who sounds like he needs some Benylin and a packet of Strepsils.

Glasgow didn't need these big yins.  The Flash mob in George Square was the highlight for me.  Just real people, on the streets, having a good time.  Oh and the little Scottie dogs leading the athletes into the stadium was inspired.  G'on yersel Glasgeh!

After losing 3 housemates last week the Big Brother house was a bit shaken.  Pav and Zoe tried to settle in while Steven had a bit of a Britney Spears meltdown after the loss of his 'poor cow'.  His game plan was scuppered so he painted his face, waxed his pubes and shaved all his hair off to keep the focus on him. His needy lust was transferred to a stuffed robot.  Now there's irony for you.  He thought he looked the bees knees in his blue task trackies but it was more Bulgarian wrestling coach than street chic.  Steven Goode proves that money can't buy you style.  He's just a massive bell-end with a fat wallet.

The Power returned to the house with Ashleigh, Chris and Mark calling the shots.  Bianca, Matthew and Danielle planted some bitter seeds of doubt about Pav & Zoe but they were always safe as we now had our opportunity to evict selfish Steve. I suspect Pav won't last past next Friday.  He's just plain dull.  I'd rather watch Lauren Goodger's sex video.

Good games in Borehamwood this week as the housemates showed of their vocal talents in a sing-off that had my cringe glands swelling up again.  Maybe Subo, Rod & Captain Jack weren't that bad after all.

Thank goodness Mark got some negative crowd reaction this week.  He's so up himself and condescending.  I'm tired of his hissy fits and attention seeking now.  It's a pity he can't see his crumbling support in his own tea leaves.

Helen and Ash crossed a line this week and had something more than a friendly spoon under the duvet.  Helen is clearly besotted with the Mancunian Macho Man but I don't think his Mum needs to be worrying about buying a new hat any time soon.

In other news. Steven is out and Ashleigh brushed her hair.

Oh and Kimberly turned up on BBBOTS looking remarkably fit and healthy but still madly in love with Steven.  She must have a mental illness.